Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My recent statement of faith and other ramblings....
(need to edit more...I know)
The Jesus of Luke plays a very special role in my life.
Since high school I have felt conflicted about Jesus’ life and words and yet the way we live as Christians and how our churches function, excluding some people intentionally or unintentionally, overlooking some scripture and only teaching what we want to hear and follow. I saw individual lives of church members sometimes line up more with Jesus’ teachings but we a corporate body I did not experience or see missions lived out. Certain individuals were deemed “called” to mission and THEY were the ones that lived it out. The rest of us were off the hook. I have always felt strongly about marginalized people being mistreated and have felt marginalized myself at times.
When I started to stand up or begin to ask questions as I went through college I was thrown into categories “educated,” “liberal,” “social worker.” In all actuality, I felt that I was just a Christian.
Fast forward to my experience as a benevolence coordinator… I’m meeting with people and charged with the responsibility of decided who is worthy and not worthy to receive assistance. Thinking it would be easy to justify and decide I soon became overwhelmed with how ill-prepared I was to understand the lives of those living in poverty. Every situation was more complex than “laziness” or “drugs.” Each individual coming into see me had a significant story, that sometimes involved bad choices but when putting myself int hat person’s shoes I might have made the same bad choice considering the lack of options present for them. A single mom had to choose whether to keep her job (barely paying her minimum wage) and be cut off of food stamps or quit her job and stay on welfare (TANF) in order to feed her kids until they would be old enough to take care of themselves. She had no family to take care of her kids while at work so she had to pay for a babysitter and so the money she would use for food was going to that expense. I heard story after story of surviving on the streets, making money, escaping to drugs to escape the loneliness, pain or to help them deal with their schizophrenia when they did not have transportation to get to their appointment in order to get a prescription.
I had no power to solve all of the issues at hand for each person. The best I could do was to help them navigate the system of help offered in Waco through churches and nonprofits and occasionally help with groceries or gas assistance…and then we would pray. I cannot tell you the power that comes when you pray with someone who is desperate. There is a supernatural power that occurs when you are on level with your brother or sister need, holding their hands in yours and calling on a God that you believe is bigger than any illness, injustice or cause of suffering. Often times I would not have been in conversation with God much at all that week and in that moment I believed because my brother or sister believed. I saw peace come over people that I cannot explain and I experienced it myself. I received phone calls occasionally from people letting me know what worked out and how God took care of them. Sometimes, I would pray something specific for someone, a free washing machine, gas money, food (not telling any agency or church about this need)…..and the next day would get a call from an agency or church asking if I knew of anyone needing that item.
This happened on numerous occasions. In the midst of these experiences I wondered if I really was a “liberal.” People I highly respected believed that certain churches should only be for certain people and yet I was being the church for people that were not accepted and I was experiencing power. The Jesus of Luke CHOSE to spend time with the people that were marginalized (poor, Samaritan, women, tax-collectors, prostitutes) and indicated that these were the people that truly “got it.”
This is not a liberal interpretation…. When understanding the context of this scripture this is the message of Jesus, plain and simple.
Sitting in Missions class today talking about the mission of Jesus in Luke-Acts my mind was flooded with “the poor” I came to know while serving as benevolence coordinator, except they were not “the poor” to me. They were Linda, Jerry, Joe, Sandy…..and so on and so on. Each person had a story and a face that will be etched in my mind forever. I realized that before even fully comprehending Luke God was teaching me about his kingdom and message as I realized how much more these friends were ministering to ME than I to them. How in their desperateness they could NOT control their lives as I tried to do my own but fully depending on God. They were not afraid to talk about the Holy spirit and did not have time to care about an image or whether or not they were being too liberal. They life was one of survival, day to day and yet for those that truly depended on God…they were more at peace and joyful than I could have claimed to be at the point in my life.
During my internship this past Spring I studied Luke more and stumbled upon a constant theme throughout the gospel “those whom have been forgiven much, love much.” I did not truly understand this until I made choices in my life I was not proud of and needed forgiveness to the enth degree. I found myself in the spring realizing that I was in control of NOTHING in my life for the first time. I did not know who I was, whether I was worthy, what I was doing at Truett/School of Social work, why I was serving this church in Huntsville…. For the first time in my life I had no answers. Over a period of months I soon realized that not only had I experienced forgiveness but in the realizing of losing control and finally calling on God and giving it to him…He found me and gave me peace.
I get it now. Forgiveness has to be a huge factor in driving our mission and calling in life as Christians, whatever that calling is. Until the Spring I believe I had talked a lot about forgiveness but I don’t think I had ever fully experienced it. I believed God forgave me for my sins and loved me….or I said I did…. But somewhere in the back of my mind there lingered the thought that I was not really worthy.
Although I am thankful and thrilled to realize this and be at Seminary studying and reflecting on the character of God, his work among us and throughout history I am fearful for the future. I grieve for churches that do not understand the teachings of Jesus and I grieve for those of us that will be among these people, our friends, family because it will not be easy. It hit me today in class that Jesus’ teachings were not popular and not listening to them was easy. It is not the norm to go out of our way for someone and to let the mess of their lives infiltrate our own. This agape love is what Jesus called the early church to do and what He’s calling us to do today.
If I am on staff at a church or even laity leadership and someone with authority says that this church is only for certain kinds of people, singling out a specific person desiring to attend and worship with our faith family I will HAVE to speak up. True, you might say that “speaking up may cause dissention among the greater body…why would I want to disrupt the flow of the larger body when making a decision about this issue will just affect that ONE person that won’t be aloud to attend?”
My answer will be, “Because…Jesus said to.” Luke 4 clearly expresses that Jesus came to preach the gospel to the poor, proclaim release to the captives, recover the sight of the blind, set the oppressed free and proclaim the favorable year of the Lord. He modeled this for us through his lifestyle while on Earth and to be followers of Christ we then are do what? …..the same.
This is going to cost me, my family, maybe even my job someday….. but when faced with situations in my daily life or greater ones such as the example mentioned above I HAVE to be ready to answer on behalf of the Jesus I proclaim to follow….
It is amazing to realize that after years of professing to be a Christian only the last 9 months of my life have I come to believe and accept that:
I am forgiven
I am worthy
My passion and calling is valid
Jesus’ words are true
I will suffer
Because of this personal experience I truly believe that salvation is a process. Many of these things about myself God has not told me in a dream or through his audible voice but through my interaction with friends, life group and family, all of which I consider my community.
The realization of this progression the last few months hit me in class and brought me to my knees, in a dark room on the third floor of Truett where I currently sitting and writing this.
I get why I am at Seminary now, I get the huge responsibility we have as Christians with seminary education to share with others what we’re learning, if we do not….. what will the church become?
I have never cared to “evangelize” because I am not comfortable with tracks, evangecubes, or anything like that. I now have a desire to share my story with people, not wanting to secure that all of the people in my life will go to heaven….. but I want people that cross my path to experience the kind of forgiveness I have…. I want people to live life in freedom not burdened…..and I want people to know what it is to have HOPE.
Hope comes through Christ working through us as we love and serve one another through this crazy world. That is kingdom living and thinking…and it will cost us but I am ready.
The Jesus of Luke plays a very special role in my life.
Since high school I have felt conflicted about Jesus’ life and words and yet the way we live as Christians and how our churches function, excluding some people intentionally or unintentionally, overlooking some scripture and only teaching what we want to hear and follow. I saw individual lives of church members sometimes line up more with Jesus’ teachings but we a corporate body I did not experience or see missions lived out. Certain individuals were deemed “called” to mission and THEY were the ones that lived it out. The rest of us were off the hook. I have always felt strongly about marginalized people being mistreated and have felt marginalized myself at times.
When I started to stand up or begin to ask questions as I went through college I was thrown into categories “educated,” “liberal,” “social worker.” In all actuality, I felt that I was just a Christian.
Fast forward to my experience as a benevolence coordinator… I’m meeting with people and charged with the responsibility of decided who is worthy and not worthy to receive assistance. Thinking it would be easy to justify and decide I soon became overwhelmed with how ill-prepared I was to understand the lives of those living in poverty. Every situation was more complex than “laziness” or “drugs.” Each individual coming into see me had a significant story, that sometimes involved bad choices but when putting myself int hat person’s shoes I might have made the same bad choice considering the lack of options present for them. A single mom had to choose whether to keep her job (barely paying her minimum wage) and be cut off of food stamps or quit her job and stay on welfare (TANF) in order to feed her kids until they would be old enough to take care of themselves. She had no family to take care of her kids while at work so she had to pay for a babysitter and so the money she would use for food was going to that expense. I heard story after story of surviving on the streets, making money, escaping to drugs to escape the loneliness, pain or to help them deal with their schizophrenia when they did not have transportation to get to their appointment in order to get a prescription.
I had no power to solve all of the issues at hand for each person. The best I could do was to help them navigate the system of help offered in Waco through churches and nonprofits and occasionally help with groceries or gas assistance…and then we would pray. I cannot tell you the power that comes when you pray with someone who is desperate. There is a supernatural power that occurs when you are on level with your brother or sister need, holding their hands in yours and calling on a God that you believe is bigger than any illness, injustice or cause of suffering. Often times I would not have been in conversation with God much at all that week and in that moment I believed because my brother or sister believed. I saw peace come over people that I cannot explain and I experienced it myself. I received phone calls occasionally from people letting me know what worked out and how God took care of them. Sometimes, I would pray something specific for someone, a free washing machine, gas money, food (not telling any agency or church about this need)…..and the next day would get a call from an agency or church asking if I knew of anyone needing that item.
This happened on numerous occasions. In the midst of these experiences I wondered if I really was a “liberal.” People I highly respected believed that certain churches should only be for certain people and yet I was being the church for people that were not accepted and I was experiencing power. The Jesus of Luke CHOSE to spend time with the people that were marginalized (poor, Samaritan, women, tax-collectors, prostitutes) and indicated that these were the people that truly “got it.”
This is not a liberal interpretation…. When understanding the context of this scripture this is the message of Jesus, plain and simple.
Sitting in Missions class today talking about the mission of Jesus in Luke-Acts my mind was flooded with “the poor” I came to know while serving as benevolence coordinator, except they were not “the poor” to me. They were Linda, Jerry, Joe, Sandy…..and so on and so on. Each person had a story and a face that will be etched in my mind forever. I realized that before even fully comprehending Luke God was teaching me about his kingdom and message as I realized how much more these friends were ministering to ME than I to them. How in their desperateness they could NOT control their lives as I tried to do my own but fully depending on God. They were not afraid to talk about the Holy spirit and did not have time to care about an image or whether or not they were being too liberal. They life was one of survival, day to day and yet for those that truly depended on God…they were more at peace and joyful than I could have claimed to be at the point in my life.
During my internship this past Spring I studied Luke more and stumbled upon a constant theme throughout the gospel “those whom have been forgiven much, love much.” I did not truly understand this until I made choices in my life I was not proud of and needed forgiveness to the enth degree. I found myself in the spring realizing that I was in control of NOTHING in my life for the first time. I did not know who I was, whether I was worthy, what I was doing at Truett/School of Social work, why I was serving this church in Huntsville…. For the first time in my life I had no answers. Over a period of months I soon realized that not only had I experienced forgiveness but in the realizing of losing control and finally calling on God and giving it to him…He found me and gave me peace.
I get it now. Forgiveness has to be a huge factor in driving our mission and calling in life as Christians, whatever that calling is. Until the Spring I believe I had talked a lot about forgiveness but I don’t think I had ever fully experienced it. I believed God forgave me for my sins and loved me….or I said I did…. But somewhere in the back of my mind there lingered the thought that I was not really worthy.
Although I am thankful and thrilled to realize this and be at Seminary studying and reflecting on the character of God, his work among us and throughout history I am fearful for the future. I grieve for churches that do not understand the teachings of Jesus and I grieve for those of us that will be among these people, our friends, family because it will not be easy. It hit me today in class that Jesus’ teachings were not popular and not listening to them was easy. It is not the norm to go out of our way for someone and to let the mess of their lives infiltrate our own. This agape love is what Jesus called the early church to do and what He’s calling us to do today.
If I am on staff at a church or even laity leadership and someone with authority says that this church is only for certain kinds of people, singling out a specific person desiring to attend and worship with our faith family I will HAVE to speak up. True, you might say that “speaking up may cause dissention among the greater body…why would I want to disrupt the flow of the larger body when making a decision about this issue will just affect that ONE person that won’t be aloud to attend?”
My answer will be, “Because…Jesus said to.” Luke 4 clearly expresses that Jesus came to preach the gospel to the poor, proclaim release to the captives, recover the sight of the blind, set the oppressed free and proclaim the favorable year of the Lord. He modeled this for us through his lifestyle while on Earth and to be followers of Christ we then are do what? …..the same.
This is going to cost me, my family, maybe even my job someday….. but when faced with situations in my daily life or greater ones such as the example mentioned above I HAVE to be ready to answer on behalf of the Jesus I proclaim to follow….
It is amazing to realize that after years of professing to be a Christian only the last 9 months of my life have I come to believe and accept that:
I am forgiven
I am worthy
My passion and calling is valid
Jesus’ words are true
I will suffer
Because of this personal experience I truly believe that salvation is a process. Many of these things about myself God has not told me in a dream or through his audible voice but through my interaction with friends, life group and family, all of which I consider my community.
The realization of this progression the last few months hit me in class and brought me to my knees, in a dark room on the third floor of Truett where I currently sitting and writing this.
I get why I am at Seminary now, I get the huge responsibility we have as Christians with seminary education to share with others what we’re learning, if we do not….. what will the church become?
I have never cared to “evangelize” because I am not comfortable with tracks, evangecubes, or anything like that. I now have a desire to share my story with people, not wanting to secure that all of the people in my life will go to heaven….. but I want people that cross my path to experience the kind of forgiveness I have…. I want people to live life in freedom not burdened…..and I want people to know what it is to have HOPE.
Hope comes through Christ working through us as we love and serve one another through this crazy world. That is kingdom living and thinking…and it will cost us but I am ready.
Monday, September 1, 2008
of course....
You’re sitting on the curb hearing gunshots down the street
You wonder where your mom is, you just want to eat
You don’t know where your right foot is from you left, of course.
You’ve got your coffee and computer stare
You’re almost the smartest but hardly anyone cares.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You perfect your beauty 24 hrs a day
But you’re still not happy as you wear away
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You made a bad choice and took the easy road,
Now you live on the streets carrying too heavy a load
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You got the t-shirt and your poster in hand
You are yelling on the corner but don’t know where you stand.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well you got your Jesus and your enemies too,
You quote your scripture but you are broken in two.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well I don’t have the answers and I’m not going to try,
But I think we’re all a piece of this big, funky pie.
We don’t know where our right foot is from our left, of course.
Of course.
You wonder where your mom is, you just want to eat
You don’t know where your right foot is from you left, of course.
You’ve got your coffee and computer stare
You’re almost the smartest but hardly anyone cares.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You perfect your beauty 24 hrs a day
But you’re still not happy as you wear away
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You made a bad choice and took the easy road,
Now you live on the streets carrying too heavy a load
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You got the t-shirt and your poster in hand
You are yelling on the corner but don’t know where you stand.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well you got your Jesus and your enemies too,
You quote your scripture but you are broken in two.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well I don’t have the answers and I’m not going to try,
But I think we’re all a piece of this big, funky pie.
We don’t know where our right foot is from our left, of course.
Of course.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory......
I attribute my current outlook in life and ability to view and glimpse hope, to a present and active God working through my social work education. It is my faith coupled with social work values of people of all shapes and sizes, those in the depths of despair and those on top of mountains, that helps me to grasp an understanding of a supernatural power at work, a God that would take our form and dwell among us so that we may understand a new way to live. Without realizing how my heart would be transformed I served as the benevolence coordinator for a large Baptist church while putting myself through my first years of seminary and the graduate social work program. I was able to view persons coming in for assistance with a strengths perspective and identify assets in their environments that provided both that individual and myself hope as we planned to get them through another day. I began to see how identical this was to the way Jesus viewed and lived among people. When Jesus saw people in their most broken state he saw hope for restoration. Learning to let some of the most marginalized in our society teach me the deepest lessons about faith helped me to not give up on my own beliefs.
With this filter I signed up to serve alongside a group on a mission trip to the heart of the Amazon basin this summer. My task was to be one of 30 Americans traveling to various villages by boat offering medical and dental services primarily but also providing entertainment for children and adults, concluding the day with a joint worship service. Although somewhat cynical about our typical American approach to missions I still desired to go and serve as best I could, hoping to learn from the people in return. What I didn’t expect was to encounter such a diverse American team. I had typically gone on mission trips with a bunch of middle to upperclass, church people who seemed to have it all together. This group was comprised of both church-goers and non-church-goers alike, various denominations and ages. One man, Fred (for the purposes of this article) in particular had not been to church in years. He found out he was going on the trip only a couple of weeks prior to leaving. He was hired to paint the trip leader’s house and one afternoon while taking a break from painting sat down at their piano and began to play hymns he recalled from his past. The trip leaders wife walked in and requested he play “It is well with my soul” as that was her recently deceased father’s favorite hymn. Fred played as she clung to pictures of her father and wept. He began to weep as he told me this story and claimed that that was the first time he had been used to minister to someone through music in years. He was a crack addict and had spent the last 10 years of his life losing his job, wife, kids and dignity, losing himself with every sexual act and despicable job he took just for a small amount of drugs to feed his addiction.
For the rest of the trip I visited late at night on the boat with this man and watched him as he threw himself fully into service, leading us by keyboard in worship and making himself available for any task that had to be done. Where the rest of us were quick to put up boundaries of what we were and were not willing to do for fear that we would be taken advantage of or would work harder than another, he did not hold back at all. One night during devotionals as the rest of us reflected on experiences of the day with the mindset that the villagers needed us and what all we had taught them…… Fred shared that perhaps we were there to learn from the villagers. He reflected on how many of the families lived together in the villages, how they ate meals together regularly and how close-nit the community was, neighbor taking care of neighbor. He said, “our friends in these villages don’t seem unhappy or in need at all, perhaps we are here to learn from them, our brothers and sisters.” This blew me away because I knew his story behind that reflection. Once again I was witnessing a moment where the world would tell us to give up on this man but Jesus hadn’t and Jesus was working through him in a powerful way. Throughout the gospel of Luke one can see where Jesus works through individuals and those whom are forgiven seem to know how to love much. I witnessed that, something straight out of the gospel, before my own eyes. Fred was given a second chance; this broken vessel was used by God to minister in powerful ways not only to our brothers and sisters living in poor villages along the Amazon but also to those of us pompous, successful American Christians supposedly on his team. He has experienced forgiveness and did not let anything hold him back from loving others around him that week so that we could seek the sources to experience and receive that forgiveness also.
The last night of our trip during devotional time we concluded with a foot-washing service. I have never participated in this before and when given the opportunity I’ve usually not attended out of fear. I was moved to do something out of the ordinary for myself however this particular evening. As our boat coasted down the moonlit Amazon away from the villages and towards the city of Manaus, the background music of the service stopped as the former addict and now profound musician and instrument of God wept while I washed his feet with water and my tears. The kingdom of God lies in such as these, my eyes glimpsed the glory of what God is daily trying to teach us and I’m so very thankful I listened this time.
With this filter I signed up to serve alongside a group on a mission trip to the heart of the Amazon basin this summer. My task was to be one of 30 Americans traveling to various villages by boat offering medical and dental services primarily but also providing entertainment for children and adults, concluding the day with a joint worship service. Although somewhat cynical about our typical American approach to missions I still desired to go and serve as best I could, hoping to learn from the people in return. What I didn’t expect was to encounter such a diverse American team. I had typically gone on mission trips with a bunch of middle to upperclass, church people who seemed to have it all together. This group was comprised of both church-goers and non-church-goers alike, various denominations and ages. One man, Fred (for the purposes of this article) in particular had not been to church in years. He found out he was going on the trip only a couple of weeks prior to leaving. He was hired to paint the trip leader’s house and one afternoon while taking a break from painting sat down at their piano and began to play hymns he recalled from his past. The trip leaders wife walked in and requested he play “It is well with my soul” as that was her recently deceased father’s favorite hymn. Fred played as she clung to pictures of her father and wept. He began to weep as he told me this story and claimed that that was the first time he had been used to minister to someone through music in years. He was a crack addict and had spent the last 10 years of his life losing his job, wife, kids and dignity, losing himself with every sexual act and despicable job he took just for a small amount of drugs to feed his addiction.
For the rest of the trip I visited late at night on the boat with this man and watched him as he threw himself fully into service, leading us by keyboard in worship and making himself available for any task that had to be done. Where the rest of us were quick to put up boundaries of what we were and were not willing to do for fear that we would be taken advantage of or would work harder than another, he did not hold back at all. One night during devotionals as the rest of us reflected on experiences of the day with the mindset that the villagers needed us and what all we had taught them…… Fred shared that perhaps we were there to learn from the villagers. He reflected on how many of the families lived together in the villages, how they ate meals together regularly and how close-nit the community was, neighbor taking care of neighbor. He said, “our friends in these villages don’t seem unhappy or in need at all, perhaps we are here to learn from them, our brothers and sisters.” This blew me away because I knew his story behind that reflection. Once again I was witnessing a moment where the world would tell us to give up on this man but Jesus hadn’t and Jesus was working through him in a powerful way. Throughout the gospel of Luke one can see where Jesus works through individuals and those whom are forgiven seem to know how to love much. I witnessed that, something straight out of the gospel, before my own eyes. Fred was given a second chance; this broken vessel was used by God to minister in powerful ways not only to our brothers and sisters living in poor villages along the Amazon but also to those of us pompous, successful American Christians supposedly on his team. He has experienced forgiveness and did not let anything hold him back from loving others around him that week so that we could seek the sources to experience and receive that forgiveness also.
The last night of our trip during devotional time we concluded with a foot-washing service. I have never participated in this before and when given the opportunity I’ve usually not attended out of fear. I was moved to do something out of the ordinary for myself however this particular evening. As our boat coasted down the moonlit Amazon away from the villages and towards the city of Manaus, the background music of the service stopped as the former addict and now profound musician and instrument of God wept while I washed his feet with water and my tears. The kingdom of God lies in such as these, my eyes glimpsed the glory of what God is daily trying to teach us and I’m so very thankful I listened this time.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Beautiful.
I spent time and got to know the tangible definition of beauty and peace today. I helped her into my car, sat by her in church, held her hand during the moving worship service, ate lunch with her and grocery shopped with her. Two years ago I would have not seen the beauty in her. Two years ago I would have tried to find a purpose for her and would have spent time with her out of guilt. I would have unknowingly felt superior to her and most likely become frustrated with the time it takes to move from vehicle to walker and from conversation to conversation.
The human condition of needing love and acceptance is interesting. Although my life functioned well without this beauty, I somehow now need her. Is it because she tells me I am the daughter God always brings into her life each city she lives because she never had children? Is it because of the unusual spirit that oozes out of her when in her presence? Is it because I need someone to listen or an affirmation that I'm doing a good deed? I don’t know but I somehow need her and she needs me.
This beauty is a 58 yr old African-American woman who happens to live with cerebral palsy. We met serving together at church and just clicked. Within the 6 hrs we spent time together today, I was moved and brought to tears by her wisdom and passion for life. Again, two years ago I would have been moved because I would not expect a woman with her disability to be living as vibrantly as she. Today I was moved by HER and everything that she stands for, lives for and encompasses. Cheezy as it may sound, it is as if I spent time with Jesus.
When I am with her life HAS to move slow. People stare constantly and yet when she looks up and smiles at them they somehow seem to change. The only thing different about her that I see is that she has hope…..really…..she never doubts it. She interacts with Jesus in daily conversation. When I’m with her she shares with me about how Jesus made her smile this morning with what he told her. When I’m with her I’m completely present because of all that she needs from me. When I’m with her I’m a servant.
Lessons learned in her presence today:
Today in our conversation alone she reminded me that when we feel the need to control things in our life it is only because we fear something. This floored me and I realized how this was true in so many areas of my life.
When sharing about her love life she said that to get a man you have to remind them of how great they are and let them take care of you. Through social work, seeing so many women’s lives shattered from abusive men I was immediately on the defensive --- “but what if they still screw you over?” I asked the beauty, to which she replied, “then you stop trying to control and trust God with your life.”
She said women that find themselves in positions such as that often don’t love themselves already. “How can you expect a man, or anyone for that matter to see beauty in your body and who you are if YOU don’t see it yourself??” This hit me pretty hard. She said, “at the age of 58, I am beautiful. I know I am.” Then smiled and continued on her walker past me with a smirk of confidence.
Later, when talking about my hectic lifestyle, including bad eating and sleeping habits she asked me about a personal, previous health concern I had told her about. She asked me why I had not gone to the doctor but I told her I was just too busy to schedule an appointment and take the time to figure it out. “There haven’t been any major problems, it will work out,” I said, to which she replied, “I remember when I thought I was invincible once too… ha.”
She told me that a long time ago she made a commitment to God to be thankful to Him for everything. She said she did not want to get to heaven someday and tell Jesus that she lived in anger towards him because he had made a mistake with her. She wanted him to know that she loves herself and did the best she could to spread His love through her until her final day. That is why she is active in yoga, church life, prayer and eating healthy daily. She said life is too short to take your body for granted.
All day these lessons have consumed me. Most often, after 4 years surrounded by a Bible-belt, college culture where it was cool to say “I’m praying for you” and know the praise songs, when someone says God told them to do something I scoff. When she tells me that she speaks with Jesus regularly…I believe it. There is a sincerity in her eyes and voice…something changes and I find myself desperately wanting to know what He told her.
This relationship seems to be a repeat of my experiences working with persons in need from the community through the benevolence program at FBC last year. The people in society we fear because we do not understand…those we often do not “have the time” to take time and care for… are the mediators between us and Jesus. Or at least they have been the mediators for me. I believe through their belief….and I see why Jesus spent time with certain people….because they were beautiful.
The human condition of needing love and acceptance is interesting. Although my life functioned well without this beauty, I somehow now need her. Is it because she tells me I am the daughter God always brings into her life each city she lives because she never had children? Is it because of the unusual spirit that oozes out of her when in her presence? Is it because I need someone to listen or an affirmation that I'm doing a good deed? I don’t know but I somehow need her and she needs me.
This beauty is a 58 yr old African-American woman who happens to live with cerebral palsy. We met serving together at church and just clicked. Within the 6 hrs we spent time together today, I was moved and brought to tears by her wisdom and passion for life. Again, two years ago I would have been moved because I would not expect a woman with her disability to be living as vibrantly as she. Today I was moved by HER and everything that she stands for, lives for and encompasses. Cheezy as it may sound, it is as if I spent time with Jesus.
When I am with her life HAS to move slow. People stare constantly and yet when she looks up and smiles at them they somehow seem to change. The only thing different about her that I see is that she has hope…..really…..she never doubts it. She interacts with Jesus in daily conversation. When I’m with her she shares with me about how Jesus made her smile this morning with what he told her. When I’m with her I’m completely present because of all that she needs from me. When I’m with her I’m a servant.
Lessons learned in her presence today:
Today in our conversation alone she reminded me that when we feel the need to control things in our life it is only because we fear something. This floored me and I realized how this was true in so many areas of my life.
When sharing about her love life she said that to get a man you have to remind them of how great they are and let them take care of you. Through social work, seeing so many women’s lives shattered from abusive men I was immediately on the defensive --- “but what if they still screw you over?” I asked the beauty, to which she replied, “then you stop trying to control and trust God with your life.”
She said women that find themselves in positions such as that often don’t love themselves already. “How can you expect a man, or anyone for that matter to see beauty in your body and who you are if YOU don’t see it yourself??” This hit me pretty hard. She said, “at the age of 58, I am beautiful. I know I am.” Then smiled and continued on her walker past me with a smirk of confidence.
Later, when talking about my hectic lifestyle, including bad eating and sleeping habits she asked me about a personal, previous health concern I had told her about. She asked me why I had not gone to the doctor but I told her I was just too busy to schedule an appointment and take the time to figure it out. “There haven’t been any major problems, it will work out,” I said, to which she replied, “I remember when I thought I was invincible once too… ha.”
She told me that a long time ago she made a commitment to God to be thankful to Him for everything. She said she did not want to get to heaven someday and tell Jesus that she lived in anger towards him because he had made a mistake with her. She wanted him to know that she loves herself and did the best she could to spread His love through her until her final day. That is why she is active in yoga, church life, prayer and eating healthy daily. She said life is too short to take your body for granted.
All day these lessons have consumed me. Most often, after 4 years surrounded by a Bible-belt, college culture where it was cool to say “I’m praying for you” and know the praise songs, when someone says God told them to do something I scoff. When she tells me that she speaks with Jesus regularly…I believe it. There is a sincerity in her eyes and voice…something changes and I find myself desperately wanting to know what He told her.
This relationship seems to be a repeat of my experiences working with persons in need from the community through the benevolence program at FBC last year. The people in society we fear because we do not understand…those we often do not “have the time” to take time and care for… are the mediators between us and Jesus. Or at least they have been the mediators for me. I believe through their belief….and I see why Jesus spent time with certain people….because they were beautiful.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Enough
This weekend I became fully aware that there is a “me” that I do not like. It tries too hard to make friends, cannot handle missing out and struggles with not being the center of attention. I realized last night that I live as if I am “chosen” and that although I believe that ALL are chosen by God and have opportunity to realize and believe in this grace, I confuse this confidence, freedom and joy so much with an arrogance and superiority given to me by the world. I live sometimes as if my choseness is because of something I do or because I looked a certain way that makes me special.
If I was truly chosen and recognized my fullness in Christ, would I not then be that much more aware of my downward mobility in the world and kingdom I live in – a kingdom in which Jesus is ever present and active. I am ashamed to think there is ANYTHING that I could do or am that makes me set apart. Anything I have “done” is only a glimmer of who I am and hoping to become as I learn to surrender to Jesus these things. It’s a mentality shift, heart change and a work of divine grace as I live each day. I am thankful for God’s love and terribly disturbed at who I’ve become. I believed that because of who I was and what I did for God meant that I deserved from God. Perhaps this mislead belief is why I’ve been so miserable at times and why I’ve had broken relationships, missed out on true joy in situations in life and because I was expecting them to fulfill my every need rather than looking at them as an undeserved, unexpected gift that could teach me.
The best experience I could have gone through was to serve in a small town in TX, in a small church not aware of the power and value of the skills social work could contribute to a church context.. I struggled not being constantly praised. I struggled with not having control of anything and yet I was closet to Jesus than ever. At one point I felt God was asking, “Am I enough for you Mallory?” and I said honestly, “No.” I felt I deserved more. I want to serve God and want others to feel hope that I know – especially after seeing what despair tangibly looks like in other countries, in the US, in our own community, in the eyes of my friends and in myself. I believe there is more to faith than Sunday morning, scripture, deacon’s meeting, not missing Sunday school, VBS, not cussing and not drinking. God is crying out for us to realize this truth and showing the truth to us daily but we don’t say “yes” to him because if we’re honest with ourselves we don’t believe he is enough. We want to serve God and still get what we deserve for it.
I recognize now that while I can still be honest in what I desire – I do not “deserve” those things and if I force or control what I want to occur in my life – I might actually get that but will never understand my fullness in life or the fullness of that gift until I can truly believe an accept that God is enough above all of those things. What does it take for me to realize that God is enough? How do I avoid temptations of what I deserve when the world tells us constantly that we do deserve and there is not point in believing in something that doesn’t deliver??
There’s no one to trust. And there is no right or wrong – even in the midst of the world in which I am studying and being shaped to know God better. One cannot trust the legalistic bible-abiding gossip more than the good-hearted, out-of-control drunkard or anyone in between-- that are all only trying to figure out who they are and what God wants with them. Because of this I can choose to despair even further and be ashamed of my own lack of trustworthiness OR fall in line with the attitude of grace, recognizing that because we are all searching we need a higher power that saves us daily and teaches us through one another about a character of grace and love. I’ve come to understand at the moment I guess that THAT is enough for me. And THAT is actually God. It is only enough for me if it is intentional and so it requires something of me. It requires seeking God in all of these situations of struggle, joy, temptation and disappointment rather than controlling and figuring it out on my own.
God you show yourself in unlikely faces,
And I don’t know why I still believe in you sometimes.
But when the despair becomes too much
You’ve never NOT revealed a truth or path.
What is it about me that you care so much for,
When time and time again I’ve thrown your grace away?
I’ve proven myself a hard heart acting in your name.
I find it hard to claim your work or utter your name even in the presence of friends.
Then there are moments in others’ lives I cannot explain.
Others seem to be rewarded what I felt I deserved.
I find myself 8 steps behind in what I know of you,
Giving up is easy and so I do.
Thinking I have a choice in the matter but
I don’t really when my heart aches so to ignore the issue.
They have it together but they don’t
The aura around them is dark
What I can do? Mine is not much different.
YOU do it! YOU bring your miracles and prove your
Power – why are you waiting for us? It’s too late.
Our buildings, status and lives that we cannot control anyway
Mean too much! Just give up, we’re never going to get it.
“Yes, you are”
If I was truly chosen and recognized my fullness in Christ, would I not then be that much more aware of my downward mobility in the world and kingdom I live in – a kingdom in which Jesus is ever present and active. I am ashamed to think there is ANYTHING that I could do or am that makes me set apart. Anything I have “done” is only a glimmer of who I am and hoping to become as I learn to surrender to Jesus these things. It’s a mentality shift, heart change and a work of divine grace as I live each day. I am thankful for God’s love and terribly disturbed at who I’ve become. I believed that because of who I was and what I did for God meant that I deserved from God. Perhaps this mislead belief is why I’ve been so miserable at times and why I’ve had broken relationships, missed out on true joy in situations in life and because I was expecting them to fulfill my every need rather than looking at them as an undeserved, unexpected gift that could teach me.
The best experience I could have gone through was to serve in a small town in TX, in a small church not aware of the power and value of the skills social work could contribute to a church context.. I struggled not being constantly praised. I struggled with not having control of anything and yet I was closet to Jesus than ever. At one point I felt God was asking, “Am I enough for you Mallory?” and I said honestly, “No.” I felt I deserved more. I want to serve God and want others to feel hope that I know – especially after seeing what despair tangibly looks like in other countries, in the US, in our own community, in the eyes of my friends and in myself. I believe there is more to faith than Sunday morning, scripture, deacon’s meeting, not missing Sunday school, VBS, not cussing and not drinking. God is crying out for us to realize this truth and showing the truth to us daily but we don’t say “yes” to him because if we’re honest with ourselves we don’t believe he is enough. We want to serve God and still get what we deserve for it.
I recognize now that while I can still be honest in what I desire – I do not “deserve” those things and if I force or control what I want to occur in my life – I might actually get that but will never understand my fullness in life or the fullness of that gift until I can truly believe an accept that God is enough above all of those things. What does it take for me to realize that God is enough? How do I avoid temptations of what I deserve when the world tells us constantly that we do deserve and there is not point in believing in something that doesn’t deliver??
There’s no one to trust. And there is no right or wrong – even in the midst of the world in which I am studying and being shaped to know God better. One cannot trust the legalistic bible-abiding gossip more than the good-hearted, out-of-control drunkard or anyone in between-- that are all only trying to figure out who they are and what God wants with them. Because of this I can choose to despair even further and be ashamed of my own lack of trustworthiness OR fall in line with the attitude of grace, recognizing that because we are all searching we need a higher power that saves us daily and teaches us through one another about a character of grace and love. I’ve come to understand at the moment I guess that THAT is enough for me. And THAT is actually God. It is only enough for me if it is intentional and so it requires something of me. It requires seeking God in all of these situations of struggle, joy, temptation and disappointment rather than controlling and figuring it out on my own.
God you show yourself in unlikely faces,
And I don’t know why I still believe in you sometimes.
But when the despair becomes too much
You’ve never NOT revealed a truth or path.
What is it about me that you care so much for,
When time and time again I’ve thrown your grace away?
I’ve proven myself a hard heart acting in your name.
I find it hard to claim your work or utter your name even in the presence of friends.
Then there are moments in others’ lives I cannot explain.
Others seem to be rewarded what I felt I deserved.
I find myself 8 steps behind in what I know of you,
Giving up is easy and so I do.
Thinking I have a choice in the matter but
I don’t really when my heart aches so to ignore the issue.
They have it together but they don’t
The aura around them is dark
What I can do? Mine is not much different.
YOU do it! YOU bring your miracles and prove your
Power – why are you waiting for us? It’s too late.
Our buildings, status and lives that we cannot control anyway
Mean too much! Just give up, we’re never going to get it.
“Yes, you are”
Rhythm of my Life
The rhythm I function on is chaotic, 60% purposeless sand functions mostly out of bursts of opportunity that feed my loneliness, hunger, despair, selfishness and anxiousness. What if all I “did” remained the same but became a rhythm through you? As if I was aware that washing dishes, drinking a beer on the porch and riding my bike to class were all connected to a rhythm that glorified you through how it affected your living creation? Perhaps then the rhythms would not be striving or escaping but SHAPING who you desire me to BE now, not just who I am becoming.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Life is Noisy
Life is noisy. Radio. TV. Ipods. Internet. Cell phones. Traffic. Children. Problems. Stresses. Gossip. Etc, etc.
More specifically:
Songs remind us of pain and easy answers that will only create more problems and lingering issues.
Television shows that, although entertaining, provide an escape that only prolongs the things we are not willing to deal with in reality.
Facebook, Myspace and Blogging allow us to communicate our feelings, our hearts, posting to see who cares or responds and tracking others’ posts and status messages as well.
Cell phones allow us to text and receive texts to remind us we have friends, communicate without the nervousness to those we want to be more than friends and keep us updated with emails and in communication with people next door, in our community and overseas.
Sounds of cars bustling to where they need to be, truckers making a living, teenagers blaring their bass…..
On top of this noise we all have internal noise such as situations and circumstances weighing heavy on our minds, gossip we hear and contribute to, fears, jealousies and pains.
Life is noisy. When the noise gets to be too much and we begin to feel enveloped by the noise that will NOT cease how do we find the constant? Is it bottled up in 3 easy steps to happiness? No way.
In the midst of the noise the constant, unfailing love of Jesus is there. In the brief interludes of children crying and complaining for a toy at Wal-mart when a passerby smiles to let you know she’s been there before. In the email you receive from a friend as you find yourself Facebook-stalking, reminding you of your worth. In the middle of escaping into hours of television rather than something you should be working on and you are reminded of your faithful roomate who is sitting beside you enjoying the lazy afternoon also. Thankfulness is a constant…a constant choice. The choice to be thankful draws us up out of the noise into praise and honor of Christ who is His among us through His people and His spirit. When the noise surrounds you be thankful and assured in knowing that it does not have to overcome you and will not when you are aware of the constant. Relationships may fail, tragedy strike, illness befall you but Christ will be the constant.
More specifically:
Songs remind us of pain and easy answers that will only create more problems and lingering issues.
Television shows that, although entertaining, provide an escape that only prolongs the things we are not willing to deal with in reality.
Facebook, Myspace and Blogging allow us to communicate our feelings, our hearts, posting to see who cares or responds and tracking others’ posts and status messages as well.
Cell phones allow us to text and receive texts to remind us we have friends, communicate without the nervousness to those we want to be more than friends and keep us updated with emails and in communication with people next door, in our community and overseas.
Sounds of cars bustling to where they need to be, truckers making a living, teenagers blaring their bass…..
On top of this noise we all have internal noise such as situations and circumstances weighing heavy on our minds, gossip we hear and contribute to, fears, jealousies and pains.
Life is noisy. When the noise gets to be too much and we begin to feel enveloped by the noise that will NOT cease how do we find the constant? Is it bottled up in 3 easy steps to happiness? No way.
In the midst of the noise the constant, unfailing love of Jesus is there. In the brief interludes of children crying and complaining for a toy at Wal-mart when a passerby smiles to let you know she’s been there before. In the email you receive from a friend as you find yourself Facebook-stalking, reminding you of your worth. In the middle of escaping into hours of television rather than something you should be working on and you are reminded of your faithful roomate who is sitting beside you enjoying the lazy afternoon also. Thankfulness is a constant…a constant choice. The choice to be thankful draws us up out of the noise into praise and honor of Christ who is His among us through His people and His spirit. When the noise surrounds you be thankful and assured in knowing that it does not have to overcome you and will not when you are aware of the constant. Relationships may fail, tragedy strike, illness befall you but Christ will be the constant.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
the meek shall inherit the earth
Today I drove in from Waco to be a part of something called “Impact Huntsville,” a gathering of youth groups from various churches in the community working on houses in need of repair. This event began as an outgrowth of Huntsville’s Promise, a non-profit organization partly funded by the city of Huntsville as an attempt to promote the well-being of youth in the community, encouraging collaborative efforts of congregations, businesses and institutions to take responsibility and action in facilitating an environment of empowerment for all youth in the community. As an “outsider” of the community, first-time participant of Impact Huntsville and not knowledgeable enough to lead construction, I was posted with 6 boys from the Elkins Lake Baptist youth group to work with 3 adults from First Christian Church of Huntsville in building a wheelchair ramp for an elderly, African-American couple.
The organizer of the wheel-chair ramp building was in a wheel-chair himself but somehow I hardly noticed, as he was by far the hardest worker of our group and most efficient. I did my best to hand tools when needed to the 6 boys and 3 men facilitating their progress and teaching them as they went along but after a while I decided to take more of a public relations role and visit with the resident of the house, Mr. Johnson. He positioned himself on the front steps of his porch so that he could recline on the railing and watch the progress going on to his right. His wife had been in a wheelchair for three months and he had been trying to get her down the steps of the porch of their dilapidated trailer home as the make-shift ramp he had attempted to build had fallen down. Our conversation began as I leaned against the same railing and asked him about his term of residence in Huntsville, which led to conversation about fishing, trying to catch rats around their trailer home and finally he commented, “You know, not everyone would come do something like this for people like us.” I asked him why he thought that was the case and he asked me to turn around and tell me what I saw. I turned around and saw an old jeep to which I answered him. “And what color is that jeep girl?” he asked, and I responded, “It is black.” He then began to tell me that although we were a church group, he was still surprised us white-folk would come help a poor black man and his wife. “We do not have the money for a wheel-chair ramp. I was so surprised you all would do this for free.”
I then began telling him about how several church youth groups were involved in these projects all over Huntsville, from Hispanic, white and African-American churches. As he asked me questions about my life, I mentioned at one point that I intended to become a minister. “Well you all in the right company, you know what the good book says, ‘the meek shall inherit the earth,’” said Mr. Johnson. After many biblical references and teachings that meant a lot to him I finally asked if he went to church anywhere in the community and he took this opportunity to teach me about power. “I don’t go to church because they only tell you you’re going to hell and they want your money.” I said that I had been to churches were I felt that way also and that perhaps if we spoke of love more often then more projects like this could happen and a community would change. He reminded me that where 2 or 3 are gathered in Jesus’ name there He is and power happens. He believed churches should work together like that. He then commented, “I believe in the Holy Spirit and that it is at work around us. I believe our job here is not to preach hell and take money but to make this earth beautiful why we are here. With the help of the Holy spirit of course.” I asked him if those of us helping out our brothers and sisters in the community today, like helping him and his wife with a wheel chair ramp, would count as making the earth beautiful. He said, “Why yes.” I said, “Well then that’s the kind of gospel and Jesus I can believe too, Mr. Johnson, we agree with you in that and that’s why woke us up this morning to come serve you.”
Mr. Johnson then proceeded to teach me about life, asking permission first, to which I gladly obliged. He taught me about power corrupting people, how you know when love is love and how the world changing all around him. I asked lots of questions as I listened and he asked me some as well. He did not know if he agreed with me being a minister since I was a woman but gave me the best compliment I could ever receive, “I can see you are different. You talk of love and see people different like you are separated from the world.”
It is sometimes the least likely people you encounter that have the most wisdom to give. During our conversation today something happened, mutuality of grace and equality was achieved as we acknowledged each other’s mishaps, judgments, failures and beliefs. At first we seemed just two completely different people by race, socio-economic class and age but soon only became only “brother and sister” in one another’s eyes. I walked away from my time spent with Mr. Johnson thinking that perhaps I should have helped more to build the ramp but then remembered two things: 1. Jesus commended Mary for sitting as His feet and being with Him 2. Jesus said (and Mr. Johnson) that the “meek shall inherit the earth.”
The organizer of the wheel-chair ramp building was in a wheel-chair himself but somehow I hardly noticed, as he was by far the hardest worker of our group and most efficient. I did my best to hand tools when needed to the 6 boys and 3 men facilitating their progress and teaching them as they went along but after a while I decided to take more of a public relations role and visit with the resident of the house, Mr. Johnson. He positioned himself on the front steps of his porch so that he could recline on the railing and watch the progress going on to his right. His wife had been in a wheelchair for three months and he had been trying to get her down the steps of the porch of their dilapidated trailer home as the make-shift ramp he had attempted to build had fallen down. Our conversation began as I leaned against the same railing and asked him about his term of residence in Huntsville, which led to conversation about fishing, trying to catch rats around their trailer home and finally he commented, “You know, not everyone would come do something like this for people like us.” I asked him why he thought that was the case and he asked me to turn around and tell me what I saw. I turned around and saw an old jeep to which I answered him. “And what color is that jeep girl?” he asked, and I responded, “It is black.” He then began to tell me that although we were a church group, he was still surprised us white-folk would come help a poor black man and his wife. “We do not have the money for a wheel-chair ramp. I was so surprised you all would do this for free.”
I then began telling him about how several church youth groups were involved in these projects all over Huntsville, from Hispanic, white and African-American churches. As he asked me questions about my life, I mentioned at one point that I intended to become a minister. “Well you all in the right company, you know what the good book says, ‘the meek shall inherit the earth,’” said Mr. Johnson. After many biblical references and teachings that meant a lot to him I finally asked if he went to church anywhere in the community and he took this opportunity to teach me about power. “I don’t go to church because they only tell you you’re going to hell and they want your money.” I said that I had been to churches were I felt that way also and that perhaps if we spoke of love more often then more projects like this could happen and a community would change. He reminded me that where 2 or 3 are gathered in Jesus’ name there He is and power happens. He believed churches should work together like that. He then commented, “I believe in the Holy Spirit and that it is at work around us. I believe our job here is not to preach hell and take money but to make this earth beautiful why we are here. With the help of the Holy spirit of course.” I asked him if those of us helping out our brothers and sisters in the community today, like helping him and his wife with a wheel chair ramp, would count as making the earth beautiful. He said, “Why yes.” I said, “Well then that’s the kind of gospel and Jesus I can believe too, Mr. Johnson, we agree with you in that and that’s why woke us up this morning to come serve you.”
Mr. Johnson then proceeded to teach me about life, asking permission first, to which I gladly obliged. He taught me about power corrupting people, how you know when love is love and how the world changing all around him. I asked lots of questions as I listened and he asked me some as well. He did not know if he agreed with me being a minister since I was a woman but gave me the best compliment I could ever receive, “I can see you are different. You talk of love and see people different like you are separated from the world.”
It is sometimes the least likely people you encounter that have the most wisdom to give. During our conversation today something happened, mutuality of grace and equality was achieved as we acknowledged each other’s mishaps, judgments, failures and beliefs. At first we seemed just two completely different people by race, socio-economic class and age but soon only became only “brother and sister” in one another’s eyes. I walked away from my time spent with Mr. Johnson thinking that perhaps I should have helped more to build the ramp but then remembered two things: 1. Jesus commended Mary for sitting as His feet and being with Him 2. Jesus said (and Mr. Johnson) that the “meek shall inherit the earth.”
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Raising Weird Kids
One of my ultimate goals in life will be to write a book or at least an article about raising children with an awareness of an Upside-Down Kingdom. What do I mean? Well in the past 3 years of my life I have been on a journey of realizing how much I have learned how to “do” church and how little I know about Jesus’ ministry and what it means to “be” the church. I am discovering and realizing each day what it truly means to be a “follower of Christ” and how counter-cultural that is or at least should be even to our present church culture and ideals. The idea of starting a family someday scares me because if I am serious about this lifestyle then I should expect and intend on raising my children with these values; however, this will mean that we may be different …even from “church” people. How do I mean? I mean that I want them to learn how to produce things instead of consume so much (and because I am beginning to learn this late in life I will probably be learning with them as I teach them). I want them not to just attend Sunday school classes and learn the Bible stories but I want to plan on having them with me as we serve and experience missions together, keeping sack lunches in our mini-van or station wagon and having them make it a practice of giving it to the man/woman begging on the corner, spending a Saturday morning after cartoons serving at the soup kitchen (I will strap the baby on my back if need be) and letting those in need hold and love my baby. I want my child to see that the Christian life is to be lived out. I want them to not be attracted by fancy programs and fancy preaching but moved by the meat of the message. I want to have people over to our house and around our table at dinner that look and act different than us --- this is not limited to the poor but anyone! So that they learn to look and experience people as Jesus did! I want to be smart about our purchases and careful about how much we give into American consumerism. In the hustle and bustle of needing to make a living and help them make friends I realize this is going to be a daily struggle and decision but I think it can happen.
A couple of summers ago I read the book “Irresistible Revolution” and was determined to attend PapaFest, a festival on Shane Claiborne’s family farm held by SimpleWay, Mennonite faith families and other intentional communities. I did not have anyone to travel with so I found a group meeting up outside of Dallas and asked if I could ride with them. None of us knew one another but we decide to embark on this adventure. One girl worked for Shell, another grew up on the streets of Houston, the other two girls grew up in 3rd world countries as Missionary Kids. Although fascinated by the stories and plights of each girl ---- I found the MK’s to be quite interesting. They were meeting up with 3 other friends of theirs that grew up in Africa also as MKs. They were all friends growing up but came to the United States and attended different universities in different parts of the country. I wondered what it was it that drew them to this festival. I soon realized that each of these girls grew up in 3rd world countries watching their parents minister to poor, desperate people. It was never a question in their lives to wonder which came first, feed the people or evangelize. They only knew that it was both, it had to be both. They knew what it was to pray for a need and see someone healed and/or tangibly see their prayer request answered and believing that it was God that answered it. They grew up knowing that “church” was an act, a daily decision to BE Christ to people. It was never a social event they grew up attending on Sunday mornings. When each of the girls came to the U.S. for college they were extremely dismayed by the churches they attended. Can you imagine? Then upon hearing about the ministry of Shane Claiborne and this “revolution” of love he was preaching based on the life of Jesus and the emphasis of Jesus’ ministry, realized that some American Christians were actually “Getting” what the Kingdom was all about and wanted to attend.
What would happen in our world if we committed to raise our kids to think in terms of the “kingdom?” Although there are books out there challenging our thoughts about Christianity today by Clairborne, Campolo, McClarren and so many more written on another level of academia…..how great would it be if there were a manual for parents and families on these issues as well? Pulling out truths and practical application for Christians in helping their children experience and know God in this way from an early age?
A couple of summers ago I read the book “Irresistible Revolution” and was determined to attend PapaFest, a festival on Shane Claiborne’s family farm held by SimpleWay, Mennonite faith families and other intentional communities. I did not have anyone to travel with so I found a group meeting up outside of Dallas and asked if I could ride with them. None of us knew one another but we decide to embark on this adventure. One girl worked for Shell, another grew up on the streets of Houston, the other two girls grew up in 3rd world countries as Missionary Kids. Although fascinated by the stories and plights of each girl ---- I found the MK’s to be quite interesting. They were meeting up with 3 other friends of theirs that grew up in Africa also as MKs. They were all friends growing up but came to the United States and attended different universities in different parts of the country. I wondered what it was it that drew them to this festival. I soon realized that each of these girls grew up in 3rd world countries watching their parents minister to poor, desperate people. It was never a question in their lives to wonder which came first, feed the people or evangelize. They only knew that it was both, it had to be both. They knew what it was to pray for a need and see someone healed and/or tangibly see their prayer request answered and believing that it was God that answered it. They grew up knowing that “church” was an act, a daily decision to BE Christ to people. It was never a social event they grew up attending on Sunday mornings. When each of the girls came to the U.S. for college they were extremely dismayed by the churches they attended. Can you imagine? Then upon hearing about the ministry of Shane Claiborne and this “revolution” of love he was preaching based on the life of Jesus and the emphasis of Jesus’ ministry, realized that some American Christians were actually “Getting” what the Kingdom was all about and wanted to attend.
What would happen in our world if we committed to raise our kids to think in terms of the “kingdom?” Although there are books out there challenging our thoughts about Christianity today by Clairborne, Campolo, McClarren and so many more written on another level of academia…..how great would it be if there were a manual for parents and families on these issues as well? Pulling out truths and practical application for Christians in helping their children experience and know God in this way from an early age?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
75 yr old roomate
Over the past 4 months I have had the privilege of living with Mrs. ____, 13 yr resident of Huntsville and world-traveler. Her husband worked for Gulf for years so she raised 3 kids and often moved their belongings from country to country all her life. She has lived in Kuwait, the Congo, Nigeria, Venezuela, London....the list continues. In each of these places she made friends with wives of other oil men if available and also with locals. She became an active member of churches located in each country and opened her home to company from all over the world. Because of these life experiences she is not your typical middle-to upperclass, Caucasian, Baptist woman in East, TX. In her spare time she teaches 2 bible classes at one of the prison units in the area. She is the only woman allowed in the unit and has been teaching for 13 years. Many of the inmats refer to her as another grandmother. She has opened her home to international studnets from the local university studying here temporarily or needing a place to live on holidays, providing transportation to them as well. During tax season she volunteers for AARP and does peoples' taxes for free, taking time to learn the new software each year in order to do this. Over the past few months of living in her home we have related to one another at several different levels. Sometimes our conversations seem as if we are "college roomates" hanging out, at other times she offers her wisdom like a grandmother and then still she constantly teaches me from her life-experiences. She is an independent woman and is self-aware about that fact. Although married for years she learned how to take care of herself and her children while he was away. This causes her to almost relate more with men than the church ladies of the choir. She looks just like the "'social ladies" of the church but when you hear her stories you find out that she has been caught in numerous riots, sometimes with her children, she has hunted gorillas, traveled alone in Africa, entertained dignitaries, the list continues.... All of these experiences make it difficult to blend in with the local gossip around a game of bridge.
In this "wildneress" experience of living in Huntsville, although I have learned MUCH about church life, ministry, social work in a ministry context, social services and ministry in rural areas and how much the Western church has screwed up the message of what it is to "be" the church..... I count some of my most crucial learning to come from Mrs. ______. She seized life and although she and her husband, when alive, lived much differently than their family or friends around them they made their own choices and regret nothing. She cannot be bottled up or contained. This spirit seems to have affected her granddaughters and children as well! Her life experiences have also opened her mind up to the possibilities and great mystery of Jesus. She looks at people with compassion, understanding the plight of those living in poverty and the depressing cycle of our justice system. This perspective comes out in her Sunday School class as she boldly challenges the mentalities of those she teaches even to the point of arguments that always end in love. She is not passive-aggressive but honest. She is not necessarily warm & nurturing but genuine at the same time. She is frusterated at her generation -- for using retirement only for themselves and their families rather than making time to help the greater society and world.
I am quite fascinated wiht her and she has reminded me that my 'idealism' does NOT have to be only while I'm in my 20s or in graduate school. It is a choice to remain hopeful. It is a choice to continue taking time to make some part of the world a better place. It is a choice to be who I am with no apologies...regardless of what others think and to not worry about "blending in" with those around me. It is a choice to stand for something and to live it. I hope that "compassion fatigue" does not take me under but that when I am in my 70s I will be going ever so strong....living life like Mrs. _____. I am so thankful to have experienced her in my life at this time.
In this "wildneress" experience of living in Huntsville, although I have learned MUCH about church life, ministry, social work in a ministry context, social services and ministry in rural areas and how much the Western church has screwed up the message of what it is to "be" the church..... I count some of my most crucial learning to come from Mrs. ______. She seized life and although she and her husband, when alive, lived much differently than their family or friends around them they made their own choices and regret nothing. She cannot be bottled up or contained. This spirit seems to have affected her granddaughters and children as well! Her life experiences have also opened her mind up to the possibilities and great mystery of Jesus. She looks at people with compassion, understanding the plight of those living in poverty and the depressing cycle of our justice system. This perspective comes out in her Sunday School class as she boldly challenges the mentalities of those she teaches even to the point of arguments that always end in love. She is not passive-aggressive but honest. She is not necessarily warm & nurturing but genuine at the same time. She is frusterated at her generation -- for using retirement only for themselves and their families rather than making time to help the greater society and world.
I am quite fascinated wiht her and she has reminded me that my 'idealism' does NOT have to be only while I'm in my 20s or in graduate school. It is a choice to remain hopeful. It is a choice to continue taking time to make some part of the world a better place. It is a choice to be who I am with no apologies...regardless of what others think and to not worry about "blending in" with those around me. It is a choice to stand for something and to live it. I hope that "compassion fatigue" does not take me under but that when I am in my 70s I will be going ever so strong....living life like Mrs. _____. I am so thankful to have experienced her in my life at this time.
Friday, March 21, 2008
stop, drop (your life's worries), and SMILE
For the past couple of days construction has complicated my journey from abode to the church where I intern. Although there are a couple other ways to get to the church from the house, I see men actually designated to direct traffic "slowly" as their sign reads and somehow feel obligated to give them some business since they were not the lucky ones to get to operate the big machinery that day.
As I ran errands and had to go through that road that day this is how it went: Day 1 -- passing through, waiting in line to be waved on. Day 1.5 (2 hrs later) - same guy, hot since still waving cars one. Day 1.85 -- 2 more hours later -- SAME guy doing SAME job!!!
There he stood, in the heat, on asphalt all day, holding a huge orange sign and looking his right and left repeatedly to wave cars on to their destination. Although I know that working on Highways can be a decent job with benefits, I still felt bad for the guy. I was complaining to myself and God about spending my life on my laptop, researching and reading all day and yet realized how privileged I was to be able to "think".....to write my thoughts.....to learn more.....to ask big questions.....to buy weekly drinks at Starbucks and work in the aircondition. I have "opportunity" in so many areas of my life and will continue to have them so I needed to hush my anxious self soak up where I have found myself in life.
Day 2 - still waving cars but only passed him once.
Day 3 - same guy waving cars in the hot sun --- I stop and wait to be waved on --- and instead of him waving cars he waves at me. He finally gets my attention and he yells while pointing to his mouth, "Hey you, SMILE!!!!" He grins and laughs and then I see him through my rearview mirror walking away happily waving more cars on.
Huh. Who the hell am I to think this guy is miserable? Here I am having pity and he is probably in a more peaceful, thankful state of heart and mind than me. I'm thankful he shared that with me.
He's right. Although I am always for genuiness and honesty believing that life can completely be dreadful sometimes, taking too much of our strength to force a smile... I believe there are also times in life where we find joy. I also thank that perhaps God wants to provide spurts of comfort and joy most often but we have the decision to see it and realize it. I have a lot to be thankful for and so why am I not smiling? I am lamenting about some things in my life but for the most part I have peace and because of that I truly am beginning to believe again that God is at work not only in my life but in people around me.
For that alone, I should conjour up a smile or two occasionally ---- smiling in itself is countercultural in today's world with as much hurt as people are experiencing daily and bottling up. Life is too short to wallow in all of the things we "could" have or to let ourselves be consumed with our shortcomings...... at some point we have to just choose to smile and begin living in the present.
As I ran errands and had to go through that road that day this is how it went: Day 1 -- passing through, waiting in line to be waved on. Day 1.5 (2 hrs later) - same guy, hot since still waving cars one. Day 1.85 -- 2 more hours later -- SAME guy doing SAME job!!!
There he stood, in the heat, on asphalt all day, holding a huge orange sign and looking his right and left repeatedly to wave cars on to their destination. Although I know that working on Highways can be a decent job with benefits, I still felt bad for the guy. I was complaining to myself and God about spending my life on my laptop, researching and reading all day and yet realized how privileged I was to be able to "think".....to write my thoughts.....to learn more.....to ask big questions.....to buy weekly drinks at Starbucks and work in the aircondition. I have "opportunity" in so many areas of my life and will continue to have them so I needed to hush my anxious self soak up where I have found myself in life.
Day 2 - still waving cars but only passed him once.
Day 3 - same guy waving cars in the hot sun --- I stop and wait to be waved on --- and instead of him waving cars he waves at me. He finally gets my attention and he yells while pointing to his mouth, "Hey you, SMILE!!!!" He grins and laughs and then I see him through my rearview mirror walking away happily waving more cars on.
Huh. Who the hell am I to think this guy is miserable? Here I am having pity and he is probably in a more peaceful, thankful state of heart and mind than me. I'm thankful he shared that with me.
He's right. Although I am always for genuiness and honesty believing that life can completely be dreadful sometimes, taking too much of our strength to force a smile... I believe there are also times in life where we find joy. I also thank that perhaps God wants to provide spurts of comfort and joy most often but we have the decision to see it and realize it. I have a lot to be thankful for and so why am I not smiling? I am lamenting about some things in my life but for the most part I have peace and because of that I truly am beginning to believe again that God is at work not only in my life but in people around me.
For that alone, I should conjour up a smile or two occasionally ---- smiling in itself is countercultural in today's world with as much hurt as people are experiencing daily and bottling up. Life is too short to wallow in all of the things we "could" have or to let ourselves be consumed with our shortcomings...... at some point we have to just choose to smile and begin living in the present.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Cigarette Buts at the Door, Kleenex on the Altar: My Kind of Church
Jesus came to earth not only to tell of “Good News” but he embodied it. I watched someone else do that today in Trinity, TX. On the outside he is a country preacher, with a Texas twang. Behind the accent there is a heart so alive that he can’t HELP but share about all God is doing in this small, low-income town.
I found myself captivated by his ability to not just give numbers of how many persons had been saved through the ministries of Burning Hope church but by the way he told story after story of personal accounts of people experiencing love, changing their lives and then living to love others. He and his wife have pastored Burning Hope Baptist church for almost 13 years but as he recounts when they came to serve through Missions Corps of SBC, “we came to minister and church happened.”
Their heart and intent were not to plant a new church but rather to meet the greatest needs they saw in Trinity as God led. They soon realized how addictions and poverty plagued so many individuals and families of this small town and how this divided them from the rest of the town. Aware of the God’s grace in his own life, this pastor and his wife were passionate to communicate God’s love and grace to those trapped in these situations. Not having degrees or expertise in these areas, only love and hope in Christ they began to pray and meet needs through a food pantry and then soup kitchen. In conversations with other pastors in the town this pastor sensed the fear that perhaps they would take church members from the existing churches but he assured one local pastor by saying, “We’re hear for those living along the highways and hedges. If you have people coming to you for help that you know won’t feel comfortable attending your church Sunday mornin’ – you send’em to us to love.” Over the years the food pantry grew out of its’ building and churches in the community worked together to pay for a new building as well as partnering with the Houston food bank and FEMA to receive funds and food periodically. As the pastor continued telling us of Burning Hope’s story of becoming a church, having their own soup kitchen and ministering to those with addictions I was taken back by the simple, yet great faith of this man.
Time and time again over the years this country preacher and his wife prayed specifically for needs that were met in the most astounding and unusual ways. Each part of the church building from the foundation to the lining of the walls had a story as to how it was paid for or donated – and how lives of the business persons he worked with were changed. As the pastor said, “One thing I have learned in ministry, you can’t move ahead of God.” Every piece of the building both inside and out is composed of materials mostly donated and then “restored” by Burning Hope members because of their thankful hearts and willingness figure out how to put everything given to use. The building itself tells a story and is a representation of the goal of its congregants, many of whom have suffered from severe addictions, abuse or burned by the church in the past –Jesus is Savior and “restorer” of our hearts.
This church is continuing to grow and flourish as it finds its missions to “reach out” and love the rest of the community no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name. So here’s my question: are some “followers of Christ” called to specific ministry with these populations of people? OR as we look at the life of Christ in the gospels should not ALL of us be prepared to minister to our communities no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name?
As our communities change and will continue to change we wonder why our churches are not growing but perhaps we if we step back and evaluate who we are as the church, we might see that we are not truly reaching out the “community” as a whole; rather, one sector of the community in which WE are most comfortable. Is this what being a “Christ follower” is about? Were the Lukan Jesus to step into your community today, who would he be spending most of his time with?
I found myself captivated by his ability to not just give numbers of how many persons had been saved through the ministries of Burning Hope church but by the way he told story after story of personal accounts of people experiencing love, changing their lives and then living to love others. He and his wife have pastored Burning Hope Baptist church for almost 13 years but as he recounts when they came to serve through Missions Corps of SBC, “we came to minister and church happened.”
Their heart and intent were not to plant a new church but rather to meet the greatest needs they saw in Trinity as God led. They soon realized how addictions and poverty plagued so many individuals and families of this small town and how this divided them from the rest of the town. Aware of the God’s grace in his own life, this pastor and his wife were passionate to communicate God’s love and grace to those trapped in these situations. Not having degrees or expertise in these areas, only love and hope in Christ they began to pray and meet needs through a food pantry and then soup kitchen. In conversations with other pastors in the town this pastor sensed the fear that perhaps they would take church members from the existing churches but he assured one local pastor by saying, “We’re hear for those living along the highways and hedges. If you have people coming to you for help that you know won’t feel comfortable attending your church Sunday mornin’ – you send’em to us to love.” Over the years the food pantry grew out of its’ building and churches in the community worked together to pay for a new building as well as partnering with the Houston food bank and FEMA to receive funds and food periodically. As the pastor continued telling us of Burning Hope’s story of becoming a church, having their own soup kitchen and ministering to those with addictions I was taken back by the simple, yet great faith of this man.
Time and time again over the years this country preacher and his wife prayed specifically for needs that were met in the most astounding and unusual ways. Each part of the church building from the foundation to the lining of the walls had a story as to how it was paid for or donated – and how lives of the business persons he worked with were changed. As the pastor said, “One thing I have learned in ministry, you can’t move ahead of God.” Every piece of the building both inside and out is composed of materials mostly donated and then “restored” by Burning Hope members because of their thankful hearts and willingness figure out how to put everything given to use. The building itself tells a story and is a representation of the goal of its congregants, many of whom have suffered from severe addictions, abuse or burned by the church in the past –Jesus is Savior and “restorer” of our hearts.
This church is continuing to grow and flourish as it finds its missions to “reach out” and love the rest of the community no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name. So here’s my question: are some “followers of Christ” called to specific ministry with these populations of people? OR as we look at the life of Christ in the gospels should not ALL of us be prepared to minister to our communities no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name?
As our communities change and will continue to change we wonder why our churches are not growing but perhaps we if we step back and evaluate who we are as the church, we might see that we are not truly reaching out the “community” as a whole; rather, one sector of the community in which WE are most comfortable. Is this what being a “Christ follower” is about? Were the Lukan Jesus to step into your community today, who would he be spending most of his time with?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Another day at the Post-office….
Today I decided to take a break from work to mail a few things at the local post office. I went about mid-afternoon thinking I could miss most of the lunch/post-work traffic but due to ONE postman on duty this was not the case. The line was long and people were fidgety. I stepped up as number 6 in what would soon be a line of 10 when the drama occurred. After 5 minutes of a standing in a line full of people that obviously had more important things to do other than wait 5 more minutes to get their stamps or send a package, an older man pushing 90 yrs avoided the line, moving straight to the counter to ask the postman (post-woman?) if she could help him find his letter he accidentally dropped in the box around a corner without putting a stamp on it. The post woman was quite busy but seeing how anxious this man was and his lack of hearing she decided to step away from helping the line to assist him. Immediately everyone reacted in line, turning to one another, shifting their weight, and sighing heavily. The older man was confused when the post woman left – she returned to the desk to tell him the postmaster would come and help him if he would return to the drop box – then he could talk to her through the hole in the drop box to describe the letter they were looking for. After several huhs and whats and the older man looking through several holes in the wall that were no related to the drop box he understood what she was telling him. Everyone in line was smirking and even as I was finding myself impatient I thought to myself, “some day we will all be that old man.”
Thinking that success had arrived for the old man the line progressed and all were happy. I could hear the older man talking loudly through the hole in the drop box at one point telling a middle-aged business man that had just walked in not to put his mail in the box because they were looking for something…….and all of a sudden I heard a “boom!” I abruptly turned to my left to see the older man falling hard, to the ground, knocking over a barrier, post & chain blocking the drop box area from the line. The man behind me rushed to his side claiming that the businessman had just shoved the older man, causing him to fall. Another woman and I rushed to help also as the older man was being helped up, while the middle-aged man stood there with the rest of his mail in hands held in an arrogant, yet innocent stance in the air saying, “that old man slapped me, it’s not my fault. That old man slapped me.” The 9 other people in line along with myself saw the old man fall and watched as the business man did nothing to help him out and not even denying that he shoved the old man. I couldn’t believe it.
Increasingly appalled, the 10 persons including myself who were once intolerant of the older man causing our time at the post-office to be 5 minutes longer than we had planned were immediately moved to action. One woman followed the business man out getting his license plate number as he continued to deny he was ever in the wrong (in hitting 90 yr old man mind you), another man walked the older gentleman to his car (where his wife with Alzheimer’s was waiting in the sun), another woman called the police while the postmaster searched for the mail the man had dropped off in order to figure out who he was or where he worked.
I stayed long enough to make sure the older man was okay and left my contact information for the police if they needed more witnesses but the older man’s daughter had already arrived and they had 5 adult witnesses so I decided not to get in the way.
Considering all that has just transpired I couldn’t help but ask myself these questions thinking in terms of Americans today:
What’s wrong with us – what’s so important in our lives that we can be set off enough to shove an elderly man because he’s taking so long?
OR what’s making us so angry that we react violently without even a slight hesitation of thinking rationally about the situation or concern for the other human being?
Why can’t we stay in a line for 10-15 minutes? What are we going to miss that is so imperative?
Why are we so intolerant of people who are different or perhaps embarrassing at times?
I’m hopeful that 10 people decided to act --- not one person walked away and didn’t help with something in that moment. Everyone was concerned and it was hilarious to see how all of us important, demanding, impatient peoples…all of a sudden had all the time in the world….
Thinking that success had arrived for the old man the line progressed and all were happy. I could hear the older man talking loudly through the hole in the drop box at one point telling a middle-aged business man that had just walked in not to put his mail in the box because they were looking for something…….and all of a sudden I heard a “boom!” I abruptly turned to my left to see the older man falling hard, to the ground, knocking over a barrier, post & chain blocking the drop box area from the line. The man behind me rushed to his side claiming that the businessman had just shoved the older man, causing him to fall. Another woman and I rushed to help also as the older man was being helped up, while the middle-aged man stood there with the rest of his mail in hands held in an arrogant, yet innocent stance in the air saying, “that old man slapped me, it’s not my fault. That old man slapped me.” The 9 other people in line along with myself saw the old man fall and watched as the business man did nothing to help him out and not even denying that he shoved the old man. I couldn’t believe it.
Increasingly appalled, the 10 persons including myself who were once intolerant of the older man causing our time at the post-office to be 5 minutes longer than we had planned were immediately moved to action. One woman followed the business man out getting his license plate number as he continued to deny he was ever in the wrong (in hitting 90 yr old man mind you), another man walked the older gentleman to his car (where his wife with Alzheimer’s was waiting in the sun), another woman called the police while the postmaster searched for the mail the man had dropped off in order to figure out who he was or where he worked.
I stayed long enough to make sure the older man was okay and left my contact information for the police if they needed more witnesses but the older man’s daughter had already arrived and they had 5 adult witnesses so I decided not to get in the way.
Considering all that has just transpired I couldn’t help but ask myself these questions thinking in terms of Americans today:
What’s wrong with us – what’s so important in our lives that we can be set off enough to shove an elderly man because he’s taking so long?
OR what’s making us so angry that we react violently without even a slight hesitation of thinking rationally about the situation or concern for the other human being?
Why can’t we stay in a line for 10-15 minutes? What are we going to miss that is so imperative?
Why are we so intolerant of people who are different or perhaps embarrassing at times?
I’m hopeful that 10 people decided to act --- not one person walked away and didn’t help with something in that moment. Everyone was concerned and it was hilarious to see how all of us important, demanding, impatient peoples…all of a sudden had all the time in the world….
Saturday, March 15, 2008
my heart sang today, or maybe wailed (dec. 2006 post)
For a while now...I have made fun of a lot of Christian music. Maybe going to Baylor put a bad taste in my mouth or something. I struggled with connecting the pain and ugliness of the world on our streets with us, privileged Baylor kids, singing our hearts out to the lyrics of bands that dressed hip like us and then patting ourselves on the back for purchasing those itunes instead of "secular" music. Today something happened to change my view a little. A lot of people are hurting right now. Some friends of mine have experienced loss recently or are hurting for a friend that is very sick. Some are sleeping on the streets tonight. Some are getting abused and feel trapped in their situation. Some have mental illnesses that make them think people are out to destroy them. Some are just very lonely. In all of these situations I feel powerless because there is only so much I can do. For a while now in my benevolence job I have been running on empty. I know that the pain in the world is not God's fault but when you constantly see more and more depressing situations and even your close friends encounter similar pain you start to wonder what is going on. That may seem like a faithless question but I don't care to admit it. You would think that this attitude of helplessness would have brought me to my knees -- but ironically, it made me harden my heart more and desperately try to figure out how, if I kept working harder, I could somehow figure out how to ease the pain, pray more, make more referrals, call more agencies, send more encouraging emails, whatever. No matter how hard I worked, however, more and more painful news & situations would come my way and I realized that it really was pretty much out of my control. I left work today and had had too much. I kind of felt frantic, and desperate like the girl marking bodies with lipstick in the movie Pearl Harbor, after the bombing. (probably a bad analogy). I left work and drove straight to the parking lot on University near the place where you can paddleboat & other things. I don't know why I went there. I immediately popped in a Christian mix CD - turned it up as loud as I could - and wailed. I cried and cried and cried. I cried for the abused, for the mourners, for the suffering friends, for the mentally ill, for the lonely, for the poor, for the hungry..... I cried for me... b/c I had tried to do so much on my own. I didn't have the strength to open a Bible. I didn't have the strength or words to pray to God...I didn't even know what to say. But I blared the music and let them speak for me. And then I understood Christian music. If I turned the music up louder and louder the thoughts of the world were drowned for a moment...and only uplifting words to God could be heard. I guess.... during this moment what sang the loudest was my heart...as it amened the lyrics and presented its' hurt and repentence to God. Hurting people make my heart sing? weird concept. Regardless... whatever prompted that person to write that song... helped me. God heard me and I believed the words and I believed in God's provision for these hurting people and I believed He was with me in that moment. I don't know why bad things happen in the world and I am not going to even begin to try and figure that out, EVER.Instead, I will spend my life helping others through that hurt..... even when it seems there is nothing I can do to help other than cry and pray earnestly. When I'm weak or when I'm strong... I'm thankful for the gift of song... (didn't realize that was going to rhyme...but i can't figure out how to end this post)
irreplaceable role in a great adventure
Significance. We all want this. To be significant to one, to a group of people, to the world. We want to make an impact, leave a legacy and for some of us we want to be used of God to do this. We desire adventure but often find and will continue to find that it comes in forms we did not expect or intend, especially when following Christ.
I've been thinking about the adventure of my life currently and although I still and will always have a thirst and intention to experience what I would traditionally term "adventure" (traveling to beautiful signts all over the world, experiencing & immersing myself in various cultures around the world, hiking, rafting, visiting ballparks & great cities, etc) I am begining to accept the adventure I am currently in and see the significance of it. It includes being a student of theology, sociology and scripture; letting this sink into my life, asking God to shape me as it does. This learning is coupled with profound experiences in human interaction with friends, family, church members, different churches and hurting people living in poverty. The adventure does not have a final answer as its' goal but rather a commitment to not give up on the adventure but see it through my life, sharing with all around me through my life and words how a church can truly BE the church and how hurting people all around them are WAITING for us to speak truth & hope into their hurting lives. I'm okay with this adventure and feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon in it out of grace and continue to stumble through it by grace. What adventure are you in?
My 5th grade teacher remains in my life now as a friend, mentor of sorts from my church back home and "partner in hope" as we have tried together to help our friend on parole stay out of trouble and on his feet. Now there have been times through the years that I thought to myself, "this lady talks about Jesus all the time, geeees," because Jesus is literally mentioned in every 1 of every 3 of her sentences but as I've gotten older and began to witness her life firsthand I realized what great faith she has. She is a wife, mother of two, grandmother of 10, retired teacher of 30? years, active church member and ministers to prisoners at the unit in town as well as the county jail. Not only does she go out to minister but she is faithful in corresponding with those she has visited at one point in time by letter and by phone. I don't know when she sleeps. You will not see her without a genuine smile on her face. I have met with one of the ex-offenders she led to Christ, infact I became good friends with him and his face lit up when he spoke of her. I couldn't believe that after 10 years of receiving Christ and visiting with her she was still writing him letters and he knew he could call her occasionally. She is what I term "the real deal." My friend was making it because this woman stayed faithfully in his corner, praying for him and being available as a sister in Christ. Who the hell am I to say she is saying "Jesus" way to much in her sentences??
Some of the men and women she ministers to in prison and the county jail, upon getting out then come with her to church. Our church has changed a lot but for the most part we are a middle to upper class congregation (for our small town) and predominantly but not all, white. Most friends she has brought with her are low-income and either AFrican-American or Hispanic. Several people have accepted Christ and have been baptized in our church over the years because of her and some have even joined the church.
Over the years I have heard comments from congregants including myself that know or have known some of the friends she has brought, for example, "oh they're just going to go back to their old habits." "I'm nervous about them being in our church." "Why are THEY going on the mission trip??" Or when one of her friends slipped back into an hold habit I've heard some say, "See, I told ya." Although I'm sure some of our congregants, especially her husband and others that minister alongside her also as well as our pastor have reached out to these friends of hers, for the most part she the only one doing it and continuing to follow-up even when her friends slipped back into addictions.
I ran into her this past weekend when home at a wedding shower. Immediately she engaged me new stories of God's faithfulness as well as concerns. We talked about our mutual friend not doing so well and as she spoke to me I noticed she looked so tired. This woman's adventure is wearing her out. She is passionate as I am about seeing the church BE the church.........but the difference in her and I is that instead of learning and waiting for it to happen....she's doing it. She's bearing it all.......with reckless abandon and when she made comments like "God is good" or "God is faithful" I knew those statements were not cliche ways of ending a conversation but deep-rooted statements of faith from multiple experiences had on her kneeds begging God to come through for these hurting friends of hers, pleading with God to raise up Christians in the community that would rise up and accept them and then seeing God's merciful hand in action. She was speaking of a personal friend, she is constantly communication with and attesting to the goodness this friend has shown her.
Still, among this great testimony of the life of my 5th grade teacher, I know so many people don't truly "get" her. She is perhaps too zealous, too "Jesusy" and I used to think of her that way too, honestly. But now I see something I desire -- a life communed with God, sent out daily, a heart that is fierce with love for her husband, children, grandchildren and for all the hopeless of her community, a life that comes with great cost, a nurturer, a lover.......... she is a true disciple in the midst of her continuous advenure of following Christ at the age of 68.....playing an irreplaceable role.
I've been thinking about the adventure of my life currently and although I still and will always have a thirst and intention to experience what I would traditionally term "adventure" (traveling to beautiful signts all over the world, experiencing & immersing myself in various cultures around the world, hiking, rafting, visiting ballparks & great cities, etc) I am begining to accept the adventure I am currently in and see the significance of it. It includes being a student of theology, sociology and scripture; letting this sink into my life, asking God to shape me as it does. This learning is coupled with profound experiences in human interaction with friends, family, church members, different churches and hurting people living in poverty. The adventure does not have a final answer as its' goal but rather a commitment to not give up on the adventure but see it through my life, sharing with all around me through my life and words how a church can truly BE the church and how hurting people all around them are WAITING for us to speak truth & hope into their hurting lives. I'm okay with this adventure and feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon in it out of grace and continue to stumble through it by grace. What adventure are you in?
My 5th grade teacher remains in my life now as a friend, mentor of sorts from my church back home and "partner in hope" as we have tried together to help our friend on parole stay out of trouble and on his feet. Now there have been times through the years that I thought to myself, "this lady talks about Jesus all the time, geeees," because Jesus is literally mentioned in every 1 of every 3 of her sentences but as I've gotten older and began to witness her life firsthand I realized what great faith she has. She is a wife, mother of two, grandmother of 10, retired teacher of 30? years, active church member and ministers to prisoners at the unit in town as well as the county jail. Not only does she go out to minister but she is faithful in corresponding with those she has visited at one point in time by letter and by phone. I don't know when she sleeps. You will not see her without a genuine smile on her face. I have met with one of the ex-offenders she led to Christ, infact I became good friends with him and his face lit up when he spoke of her. I couldn't believe that after 10 years of receiving Christ and visiting with her she was still writing him letters and he knew he could call her occasionally. She is what I term "the real deal." My friend was making it because this woman stayed faithfully in his corner, praying for him and being available as a sister in Christ. Who the hell am I to say she is saying "Jesus" way to much in her sentences??
Some of the men and women she ministers to in prison and the county jail, upon getting out then come with her to church. Our church has changed a lot but for the most part we are a middle to upper class congregation (for our small town) and predominantly but not all, white. Most friends she has brought with her are low-income and either AFrican-American or Hispanic. Several people have accepted Christ and have been baptized in our church over the years because of her and some have even joined the church.
Over the years I have heard comments from congregants including myself that know or have known some of the friends she has brought, for example, "oh they're just going to go back to their old habits." "I'm nervous about them being in our church." "Why are THEY going on the mission trip??" Or when one of her friends slipped back into an hold habit I've heard some say, "See, I told ya." Although I'm sure some of our congregants, especially her husband and others that minister alongside her also as well as our pastor have reached out to these friends of hers, for the most part she the only one doing it and continuing to follow-up even when her friends slipped back into addictions.
I ran into her this past weekend when home at a wedding shower. Immediately she engaged me new stories of God's faithfulness as well as concerns. We talked about our mutual friend not doing so well and as she spoke to me I noticed she looked so tired. This woman's adventure is wearing her out. She is passionate as I am about seeing the church BE the church.........but the difference in her and I is that instead of learning and waiting for it to happen....she's doing it. She's bearing it all.......with reckless abandon and when she made comments like "God is good" or "God is faithful" I knew those statements were not cliche ways of ending a conversation but deep-rooted statements of faith from multiple experiences had on her kneeds begging God to come through for these hurting friends of hers, pleading with God to raise up Christians in the community that would rise up and accept them and then seeing God's merciful hand in action. She was speaking of a personal friend, she is constantly communication with and attesting to the goodness this friend has shown her.
Still, among this great testimony of the life of my 5th grade teacher, I know so many people don't truly "get" her. She is perhaps too zealous, too "Jesusy" and I used to think of her that way too, honestly. But now I see something I desire -- a life communed with God, sent out daily, a heart that is fierce with love for her husband, children, grandchildren and for all the hopeless of her community, a life that comes with great cost, a nurturer, a lover.......... she is a true disciple in the midst of her continuous advenure of following Christ at the age of 68.....playing an irreplaceable role.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Delayed Gratification
I do not understand this concept. I want it fast and I want it now. I want resolution and answers. I'm middle-class, educated, white American. If I want an answer I google my question. If I want food I go through a drive-thru. If I'm sleepy I get a drink at starbucks. If I want a new toy and can't afford it I charge it to my credit card. If I'm having a bad day I do one or all of these things and get my quick fix.
Are these things bad? I dunno. At some point this lifestyle and mentality begins to infect the way I view Christianity also. I'm unhappy God so fix it. If I have enough faith and if I pray every day at 6 am I can will this to happen! I'm serving you and haven't missed a monthly tithe God so where's my bonus or reward?
It's not enough to preach it. I actually have to live it. I'm not talking about just a moral between me and God life and I'm definitey not talking about YOUR standards of how I should be living. I'm talking about a complete mentaliy change. A lifestyle in which I literally choose and by the grace of God find it a joy to follow Him, putting him first and not fretting about the complications of life because of the gentle whisper He gives me as I face adversity. I'm talking about being okay with the struggles and roadblocks because I realize they are inevitable..... expressing my anger and frusteration with God all the way through because I am human yet realizing in the end that God is beautiful and gracious and I am not meant to control or understand everything.
There is pressure for me to produce a "product" while I am here interning in this congregation in this community. I am probably putting the pressure on myself mostly because I feel I need to produce something to show my efforts, to communicate it was worth their while to have me there, to provide me a stipend and to possibly house another intern in the future. The problem is, if I helped them start another program it would probalby just be another thing to add to their list and the same volunteers that volunteer for everything would help. I could come up with a flashy presentation and incentive to lure the young families into a community project but again if the mentality and heart are not right it will surely dwindle also. The development of a mission-minded church and/or community ministries takes time. Why? Because I am realizing just now that to truly "get it" it takes a death to self.
That's not a very popular thing to promote in church haha and neither is ministry to the poor.
I've come to the conclusion that because we serve a God of grace we probably can experience him in a "prosperity theology" type worship and setting BUT for those (and I so hope that some day I will bel able to look back and see that I attempted to grasp this) that truly decide to place their needs, wants and ideals before God and choose to follow Him first at no matter what the cost, there is a richer, more sustaining peace and love experienced than one could imagine. Perhaps its just a glimpse of the relationship Jesus had with God ---
I've heard people pray before in church or in a small group setting and their request was so honest and language was so real it was as a friend of mine put it, "like we were eavesdropping on a conversation that had been going on for a long time."
I long to get to a place like that in my life.... to spend time aware of God's presence around me daily as well as in others' lives...believing it so much that when I asked to pray infront of or behalf of a group of people it is just a continuation of a conversation that has been going on all day, week and hour.
Are these things bad? I dunno. At some point this lifestyle and mentality begins to infect the way I view Christianity also. I'm unhappy God so fix it. If I have enough faith and if I pray every day at 6 am I can will this to happen! I'm serving you and haven't missed a monthly tithe God so where's my bonus or reward?
It's not enough to preach it. I actually have to live it. I'm not talking about just a moral between me and God life and I'm definitey not talking about YOUR standards of how I should be living. I'm talking about a complete mentaliy change. A lifestyle in which I literally choose and by the grace of God find it a joy to follow Him, putting him first and not fretting about the complications of life because of the gentle whisper He gives me as I face adversity. I'm talking about being okay with the struggles and roadblocks because I realize they are inevitable..... expressing my anger and frusteration with God all the way through because I am human yet realizing in the end that God is beautiful and gracious and I am not meant to control or understand everything.
There is pressure for me to produce a "product" while I am here interning in this congregation in this community. I am probably putting the pressure on myself mostly because I feel I need to produce something to show my efforts, to communicate it was worth their while to have me there, to provide me a stipend and to possibly house another intern in the future. The problem is, if I helped them start another program it would probalby just be another thing to add to their list and the same volunteers that volunteer for everything would help. I could come up with a flashy presentation and incentive to lure the young families into a community project but again if the mentality and heart are not right it will surely dwindle also. The development of a mission-minded church and/or community ministries takes time. Why? Because I am realizing just now that to truly "get it" it takes a death to self.
That's not a very popular thing to promote in church haha and neither is ministry to the poor.
I've come to the conclusion that because we serve a God of grace we probably can experience him in a "prosperity theology" type worship and setting BUT for those (and I so hope that some day I will bel able to look back and see that I attempted to grasp this) that truly decide to place their needs, wants and ideals before God and choose to follow Him first at no matter what the cost, there is a richer, more sustaining peace and love experienced than one could imagine. Perhaps its just a glimpse of the relationship Jesus had with God ---
I've heard people pray before in church or in a small group setting and their request was so honest and language was so real it was as a friend of mine put it, "like we were eavesdropping on a conversation that had been going on for a long time."
I long to get to a place like that in my life.... to spend time aware of God's presence around me daily as well as in others' lives...believing it so much that when I asked to pray infront of or behalf of a group of people it is just a continuation of a conversation that has been going on all day, week and hour.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
the next step
When serving as the benevolence coordinator of a church for over a year, I came into contact with people from all walks of life, cultures, backgrounds and experiences. Everyday the only thing I could depend on was that someone I work with would think I was giving/helping too much, someone asking for help would be lying and someone would be hurting. Some of our visitors were were schizophrenic, bi-polar, depressed, addicted to alcohol, crack, cocaine, or xanex, didn't speak english, couldn't read, sex offenders, murderers, rapists...... this list continues. The power of Christ I experienced during this job -- I could't articulate at the time because it was so different than the message of Christ I grew up hearing and modeled by the church. Somehow, when I admitted that I was desperate and did not know HOW to help these people, how much to give them, how to figure out who was telling the truth, how to please the church I was working for...... God would step in and in mid-conversation these people lost their previous label and instead I saw lonliness, guilt, loss of hope, fear, hurt, grief, and desperation. Because I am judgmental and selfish I know this ability and new way of seeing did not come from me.
The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.
I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.
Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.
I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?
The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.
I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.
Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.
I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
loneliness
Loneliness
It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.
I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:
“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”
Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.
All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.
Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.
I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.
Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.
I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.
As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.
I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.
Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.
I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.
I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.
prayer for worship:
Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.
It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.
I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:
“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”
Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.
All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.
Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.
I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.
Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.
I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.
As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.
I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.
Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.
I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.
I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.
prayer for worship:
Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Let us NOT be sheepish....
Hello ______Church! As you know I am the social work intern with you all this semester. Most of my time here will be spent visiting agencies and congregations, hearing their stories of how they minister to their communities and how they work together to meet needs in the community. As I gather this information I intend to share it with you all either in situations much like this or in written form, repeating some things you may already know but hopefully refreshing you with stories of what God is doing in your community! I want to briefly share with you about my experiences the last couple of days.
Monday, I decided to attend the community celebration in honor of Martin Luther King at the held for the last 20 years. I decided to attend this because well I had the time to attend but I wanted to honor the legacy that Martin Luther King, a devout Christ follower left for us, his brothers & sisters in Christ. I desired to get to know more people from the community and thought this would be a great opportunity to do so as well. Expecting a quick, formal service where I could slip in the back and leave without being noticed too much I was surprised when an older African-American woman asked me to walk in with her, helping me to find a seat. What a comforting expression of the body of Christ! As she walked with me it was as if her hand reaching for mine, guiding me in the building with her kind eyes were saying “come in child, you belong.” The service included figures from all facets of the community: the mayor, president of the University, many local African-American pastors, a university gospel choir, children’s groups and citizens filling the venue until there was only standing room left. At one point in the service the speaker, when discussing the ills of society all around us in which we (all people) point our fingers naming what is wrong but rarely doing much fix it, said,
“we should be like the good Samaritan, not thinking about what others think of us if we choose to help but rather considering what will happen if we DO NOT help.”
Wow.
With that theme in my mind I continued my journey of meeting with various people in the community by going to visit the Hospitality House on 10th street and letting the ____ share with me stories of how they have given hugs, wiped tears, prayed with inmates’ families, victim’s families, inmates themselves and shown through their smiles and patience, the love of Christ no matter how difficult and irritating some people might be. Hospitality after all is not just a gift, it is a discipline I think! It hit me as their eyes lit up talking about the way God has shown up and how through their daily ministry --How difficult, how exhausted, how misunderstood, how countercultural they must be and they are!!! …..wow….they are really doing it! They experience the Gospel in REAL terms….it’s where “the rubber meets the road” some might say!
In the gospels Jesus is identified by his public ministry to the marginalized and all those in need! In Luke 4 he quotes the prophet Isaiah,
18"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, 19TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."
Are we all not to mirror His image?
Then finally yesterday as I returned from Hospitality House, I came into the church office to see Our pastor was visiting with ___, pastor of Iglesia ____ as you know. I accompanied them to view the changes that have taken place at Iglesia ____ and to hear ___ explain how God has worked through their church. Again, I stood in awe as one of God’s ordinary radicals….just a man with a heart for people and for a God that no doubt drives his every move, is not only working in the lives of those attending his church but is concerned about the community! As he shared with us his ideas, his passion seemed to tangibly touch and affect me! He shared at one point how families in his church have started to adopt other families to mentor and guide and as we commented on what a great idea that was he asked the pastor and I, “Who gives birth to sheep?” I could not quite understand him the first time and with his bright eyes and wide smile he asked “WHO GIVES BIRTH TO SHEEP? Not shepherds….. Sheep.” Interesting….
I realized through personal experience in the last two days what scriptures attempt to teach us and how we, in our American, fast-pace, selfishly-driven, independent culture so often distort in our churches because we are so far from perfect.
Those that we fear (several pictures should come to your mind as we all come from different experiences), those issues we don’t understand, injustices we see, oppression of people temporarily, people in need…. Whether for a moment or long-term…… they ARE OUR responsibility. No questions. Because we are followers of Christ.
We all have responsibility to our brothers and sisters in need whether we be retired, mothers, fathers, grandparents, youth, children…. We all play a role.
What that role looks like may be different for all of us; for example, for some of us it may be to educate our kids about injustices and how to “love their neighbor”, to be intentional about educating ourselves and continually be aware of happenenings in the world and in our local community, writing to our congress men and women on behalf of issues we feel are unjust, supporting agencies and those from our congregations that have sought to minister and fight these injustices vocationally like _____ (local church member), volunteering, mentoring…… participating in IMPACT ____ and caring about people living in poor housing conditions all over the city, teaching ESL at Iglesia ____, giving the ____a rest one weekend—checking inmates’ families’ in when they arrive, training Sunday school teachers at Iglesia _____….. the needs are there..and they will ALWAYS be there..
We have to continually ask ourselves, Will we be more concerned with success of those we minister to OR with the faithfulness of the service to our brother and sisters?
AND.....remember you are NEVER alone.
“Sheep produce sheep” as Pastor ___ said. The body of Christ all around you right now supports you and sends you out…with prayer, with hugs, with shoulders to cry on, with listening ears, with notes of encouragement, with pizza and sodas Tuesday nights at men’s fraternity, with a relaxing golf game…….
The needs are all around, the support is all around! God is at work --- let’s join Him!!
Monday, I decided to attend the community celebration in honor of Martin Luther King at the held for the last 20 years. I decided to attend this because well I had the time to attend but I wanted to honor the legacy that Martin Luther King, a devout Christ follower left for us, his brothers & sisters in Christ. I desired to get to know more people from the community and thought this would be a great opportunity to do so as well. Expecting a quick, formal service where I could slip in the back and leave without being noticed too much I was surprised when an older African-American woman asked me to walk in with her, helping me to find a seat. What a comforting expression of the body of Christ! As she walked with me it was as if her hand reaching for mine, guiding me in the building with her kind eyes were saying “come in child, you belong.” The service included figures from all facets of the community: the mayor, president of the University, many local African-American pastors, a university gospel choir, children’s groups and citizens filling the venue until there was only standing room left. At one point in the service the speaker, when discussing the ills of society all around us in which we (all people) point our fingers naming what is wrong but rarely doing much fix it, said,
“we should be like the good Samaritan, not thinking about what others think of us if we choose to help but rather considering what will happen if we DO NOT help.”
Wow.
With that theme in my mind I continued my journey of meeting with various people in the community by going to visit the Hospitality House on 10th street and letting the ____ share with me stories of how they have given hugs, wiped tears, prayed with inmates’ families, victim’s families, inmates themselves and shown through their smiles and patience, the love of Christ no matter how difficult and irritating some people might be. Hospitality after all is not just a gift, it is a discipline I think! It hit me as their eyes lit up talking about the way God has shown up and how through their daily ministry --How difficult, how exhausted, how misunderstood, how countercultural they must be and they are!!! …..wow….they are really doing it! They experience the Gospel in REAL terms….it’s where “the rubber meets the road” some might say!
In the gospels Jesus is identified by his public ministry to the marginalized and all those in need! In Luke 4 he quotes the prophet Isaiah,
18"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, 19TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."
Are we all not to mirror His image?
Then finally yesterday as I returned from Hospitality House, I came into the church office to see Our pastor was visiting with ___, pastor of Iglesia ____ as you know. I accompanied them to view the changes that have taken place at Iglesia ____ and to hear ___ explain how God has worked through their church. Again, I stood in awe as one of God’s ordinary radicals….just a man with a heart for people and for a God that no doubt drives his every move, is not only working in the lives of those attending his church but is concerned about the community! As he shared with us his ideas, his passion seemed to tangibly touch and affect me! He shared at one point how families in his church have started to adopt other families to mentor and guide and as we commented on what a great idea that was he asked the pastor and I, “Who gives birth to sheep?” I could not quite understand him the first time and with his bright eyes and wide smile he asked “WHO GIVES BIRTH TO SHEEP? Not shepherds….. Sheep.” Interesting….
I realized through personal experience in the last two days what scriptures attempt to teach us and how we, in our American, fast-pace, selfishly-driven, independent culture so often distort in our churches because we are so far from perfect.
Those that we fear (several pictures should come to your mind as we all come from different experiences), those issues we don’t understand, injustices we see, oppression of people temporarily, people in need…. Whether for a moment or long-term…… they ARE OUR responsibility. No questions. Because we are followers of Christ.
We all have responsibility to our brothers and sisters in need whether we be retired, mothers, fathers, grandparents, youth, children…. We all play a role.
What that role looks like may be different for all of us; for example, for some of us it may be to educate our kids about injustices and how to “love their neighbor”, to be intentional about educating ourselves and continually be aware of happenenings in the world and in our local community, writing to our congress men and women on behalf of issues we feel are unjust, supporting agencies and those from our congregations that have sought to minister and fight these injustices vocationally like _____ (local church member), volunteering, mentoring…… participating in IMPACT ____ and caring about people living in poor housing conditions all over the city, teaching ESL at Iglesia ____, giving the ____a rest one weekend—checking inmates’ families’ in when they arrive, training Sunday school teachers at Iglesia _____….. the needs are there..and they will ALWAYS be there..
We have to continually ask ourselves, Will we be more concerned with success of those we minister to OR with the faithfulness of the service to our brother and sisters?
AND.....remember you are NEVER alone.
“Sheep produce sheep” as Pastor ___ said. The body of Christ all around you right now supports you and sends you out…with prayer, with hugs, with shoulders to cry on, with listening ears, with notes of encouragement, with pizza and sodas Tuesday nights at men’s fraternity, with a relaxing golf game…….
The needs are all around, the support is all around! God is at work --- let’s join Him!!
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