Over the past 4 months I have had the privilege of living with Mrs. ____, 13 yr resident of Huntsville and world-traveler. Her husband worked for Gulf for years so she raised 3 kids and often moved their belongings from country to country all her life. She has lived in Kuwait, the Congo, Nigeria, Venezuela, London....the list continues. In each of these places she made friends with wives of other oil men if available and also with locals. She became an active member of churches located in each country and opened her home to company from all over the world. Because of these life experiences she is not your typical middle-to upperclass, Caucasian, Baptist woman in East, TX. In her spare time she teaches 2 bible classes at one of the prison units in the area. She is the only woman allowed in the unit and has been teaching for 13 years. Many of the inmats refer to her as another grandmother. She has opened her home to international studnets from the local university studying here temporarily or needing a place to live on holidays, providing transportation to them as well. During tax season she volunteers for AARP and does peoples' taxes for free, taking time to learn the new software each year in order to do this. Over the past few months of living in her home we have related to one another at several different levels. Sometimes our conversations seem as if we are "college roomates" hanging out, at other times she offers her wisdom like a grandmother and then still she constantly teaches me from her life-experiences. She is an independent woman and is self-aware about that fact. Although married for years she learned how to take care of herself and her children while he was away. This causes her to almost relate more with men than the church ladies of the choir. She looks just like the "'social ladies" of the church but when you hear her stories you find out that she has been caught in numerous riots, sometimes with her children, she has hunted gorillas, traveled alone in Africa, entertained dignitaries, the list continues.... All of these experiences make it difficult to blend in with the local gossip around a game of bridge.
In this "wildneress" experience of living in Huntsville, although I have learned MUCH about church life, ministry, social work in a ministry context, social services and ministry in rural areas and how much the Western church has screwed up the message of what it is to "be" the church..... I count some of my most crucial learning to come from Mrs. ______. She seized life and although she and her husband, when alive, lived much differently than their family or friends around them they made their own choices and regret nothing. She cannot be bottled up or contained. This spirit seems to have affected her granddaughters and children as well! Her life experiences have also opened her mind up to the possibilities and great mystery of Jesus. She looks at people with compassion, understanding the plight of those living in poverty and the depressing cycle of our justice system. This perspective comes out in her Sunday School class as she boldly challenges the mentalities of those she teaches even to the point of arguments that always end in love. She is not passive-aggressive but honest. She is not necessarily warm & nurturing but genuine at the same time. She is frusterated at her generation -- for using retirement only for themselves and their families rather than making time to help the greater society and world.
I am quite fascinated wiht her and she has reminded me that my 'idealism' does NOT have to be only while I'm in my 20s or in graduate school. It is a choice to remain hopeful. It is a choice to continue taking time to make some part of the world a better place. It is a choice to be who I am with no apologies...regardless of what others think and to not worry about "blending in" with those around me. It is a choice to stand for something and to live it. I hope that "compassion fatigue" does not take me under but that when I am in my 70s I will be going ever so strong....living life like Mrs. _____. I am so thankful to have experienced her in my life at this time.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
stop, drop (your life's worries), and SMILE
For the past couple of days construction has complicated my journey from abode to the church where I intern. Although there are a couple other ways to get to the church from the house, I see men actually designated to direct traffic "slowly" as their sign reads and somehow feel obligated to give them some business since they were not the lucky ones to get to operate the big machinery that day.
As I ran errands and had to go through that road that day this is how it went: Day 1 -- passing through, waiting in line to be waved on. Day 1.5 (2 hrs later) - same guy, hot since still waving cars one. Day 1.85 -- 2 more hours later -- SAME guy doing SAME job!!!
There he stood, in the heat, on asphalt all day, holding a huge orange sign and looking his right and left repeatedly to wave cars on to their destination. Although I know that working on Highways can be a decent job with benefits, I still felt bad for the guy. I was complaining to myself and God about spending my life on my laptop, researching and reading all day and yet realized how privileged I was to be able to "think".....to write my thoughts.....to learn more.....to ask big questions.....to buy weekly drinks at Starbucks and work in the aircondition. I have "opportunity" in so many areas of my life and will continue to have them so I needed to hush my anxious self soak up where I have found myself in life.
Day 2 - still waving cars but only passed him once.
Day 3 - same guy waving cars in the hot sun --- I stop and wait to be waved on --- and instead of him waving cars he waves at me. He finally gets my attention and he yells while pointing to his mouth, "Hey you, SMILE!!!!" He grins and laughs and then I see him through my rearview mirror walking away happily waving more cars on.
Huh. Who the hell am I to think this guy is miserable? Here I am having pity and he is probably in a more peaceful, thankful state of heart and mind than me. I'm thankful he shared that with me.
He's right. Although I am always for genuiness and honesty believing that life can completely be dreadful sometimes, taking too much of our strength to force a smile... I believe there are also times in life where we find joy. I also thank that perhaps God wants to provide spurts of comfort and joy most often but we have the decision to see it and realize it. I have a lot to be thankful for and so why am I not smiling? I am lamenting about some things in my life but for the most part I have peace and because of that I truly am beginning to believe again that God is at work not only in my life but in people around me.
For that alone, I should conjour up a smile or two occasionally ---- smiling in itself is countercultural in today's world with as much hurt as people are experiencing daily and bottling up. Life is too short to wallow in all of the things we "could" have or to let ourselves be consumed with our shortcomings...... at some point we have to just choose to smile and begin living in the present.
As I ran errands and had to go through that road that day this is how it went: Day 1 -- passing through, waiting in line to be waved on. Day 1.5 (2 hrs later) - same guy, hot since still waving cars one. Day 1.85 -- 2 more hours later -- SAME guy doing SAME job!!!
There he stood, in the heat, on asphalt all day, holding a huge orange sign and looking his right and left repeatedly to wave cars on to their destination. Although I know that working on Highways can be a decent job with benefits, I still felt bad for the guy. I was complaining to myself and God about spending my life on my laptop, researching and reading all day and yet realized how privileged I was to be able to "think".....to write my thoughts.....to learn more.....to ask big questions.....to buy weekly drinks at Starbucks and work in the aircondition. I have "opportunity" in so many areas of my life and will continue to have them so I needed to hush my anxious self soak up where I have found myself in life.
Day 2 - still waving cars but only passed him once.
Day 3 - same guy waving cars in the hot sun --- I stop and wait to be waved on --- and instead of him waving cars he waves at me. He finally gets my attention and he yells while pointing to his mouth, "Hey you, SMILE!!!!" He grins and laughs and then I see him through my rearview mirror walking away happily waving more cars on.
Huh. Who the hell am I to think this guy is miserable? Here I am having pity and he is probably in a more peaceful, thankful state of heart and mind than me. I'm thankful he shared that with me.
He's right. Although I am always for genuiness and honesty believing that life can completely be dreadful sometimes, taking too much of our strength to force a smile... I believe there are also times in life where we find joy. I also thank that perhaps God wants to provide spurts of comfort and joy most often but we have the decision to see it and realize it. I have a lot to be thankful for and so why am I not smiling? I am lamenting about some things in my life but for the most part I have peace and because of that I truly am beginning to believe again that God is at work not only in my life but in people around me.
For that alone, I should conjour up a smile or two occasionally ---- smiling in itself is countercultural in today's world with as much hurt as people are experiencing daily and bottling up. Life is too short to wallow in all of the things we "could" have or to let ourselves be consumed with our shortcomings...... at some point we have to just choose to smile and begin living in the present.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Cigarette Buts at the Door, Kleenex on the Altar: My Kind of Church
Jesus came to earth not only to tell of “Good News” but he embodied it. I watched someone else do that today in Trinity, TX. On the outside he is a country preacher, with a Texas twang. Behind the accent there is a heart so alive that he can’t HELP but share about all God is doing in this small, low-income town.
I found myself captivated by his ability to not just give numbers of how many persons had been saved through the ministries of Burning Hope church but by the way he told story after story of personal accounts of people experiencing love, changing their lives and then living to love others. He and his wife have pastored Burning Hope Baptist church for almost 13 years but as he recounts when they came to serve through Missions Corps of SBC, “we came to minister and church happened.”
Their heart and intent were not to plant a new church but rather to meet the greatest needs they saw in Trinity as God led. They soon realized how addictions and poverty plagued so many individuals and families of this small town and how this divided them from the rest of the town. Aware of the God’s grace in his own life, this pastor and his wife were passionate to communicate God’s love and grace to those trapped in these situations. Not having degrees or expertise in these areas, only love and hope in Christ they began to pray and meet needs through a food pantry and then soup kitchen. In conversations with other pastors in the town this pastor sensed the fear that perhaps they would take church members from the existing churches but he assured one local pastor by saying, “We’re hear for those living along the highways and hedges. If you have people coming to you for help that you know won’t feel comfortable attending your church Sunday mornin’ – you send’em to us to love.” Over the years the food pantry grew out of its’ building and churches in the community worked together to pay for a new building as well as partnering with the Houston food bank and FEMA to receive funds and food periodically. As the pastor continued telling us of Burning Hope’s story of becoming a church, having their own soup kitchen and ministering to those with addictions I was taken back by the simple, yet great faith of this man.
Time and time again over the years this country preacher and his wife prayed specifically for needs that were met in the most astounding and unusual ways. Each part of the church building from the foundation to the lining of the walls had a story as to how it was paid for or donated – and how lives of the business persons he worked with were changed. As the pastor said, “One thing I have learned in ministry, you can’t move ahead of God.” Every piece of the building both inside and out is composed of materials mostly donated and then “restored” by Burning Hope members because of their thankful hearts and willingness figure out how to put everything given to use. The building itself tells a story and is a representation of the goal of its congregants, many of whom have suffered from severe addictions, abuse or burned by the church in the past –Jesus is Savior and “restorer” of our hearts.
This church is continuing to grow and flourish as it finds its missions to “reach out” and love the rest of the community no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name. So here’s my question: are some “followers of Christ” called to specific ministry with these populations of people? OR as we look at the life of Christ in the gospels should not ALL of us be prepared to minister to our communities no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name?
As our communities change and will continue to change we wonder why our churches are not growing but perhaps we if we step back and evaluate who we are as the church, we might see that we are not truly reaching out the “community” as a whole; rather, one sector of the community in which WE are most comfortable. Is this what being a “Christ follower” is about? Were the Lukan Jesus to step into your community today, who would he be spending most of his time with?
I found myself captivated by his ability to not just give numbers of how many persons had been saved through the ministries of Burning Hope church but by the way he told story after story of personal accounts of people experiencing love, changing their lives and then living to love others. He and his wife have pastored Burning Hope Baptist church for almost 13 years but as he recounts when they came to serve through Missions Corps of SBC, “we came to minister and church happened.”
Their heart and intent were not to plant a new church but rather to meet the greatest needs they saw in Trinity as God led. They soon realized how addictions and poverty plagued so many individuals and families of this small town and how this divided them from the rest of the town. Aware of the God’s grace in his own life, this pastor and his wife were passionate to communicate God’s love and grace to those trapped in these situations. Not having degrees or expertise in these areas, only love and hope in Christ they began to pray and meet needs through a food pantry and then soup kitchen. In conversations with other pastors in the town this pastor sensed the fear that perhaps they would take church members from the existing churches but he assured one local pastor by saying, “We’re hear for those living along the highways and hedges. If you have people coming to you for help that you know won’t feel comfortable attending your church Sunday mornin’ – you send’em to us to love.” Over the years the food pantry grew out of its’ building and churches in the community worked together to pay for a new building as well as partnering with the Houston food bank and FEMA to receive funds and food periodically. As the pastor continued telling us of Burning Hope’s story of becoming a church, having their own soup kitchen and ministering to those with addictions I was taken back by the simple, yet great faith of this man.
Time and time again over the years this country preacher and his wife prayed specifically for needs that were met in the most astounding and unusual ways. Each part of the church building from the foundation to the lining of the walls had a story as to how it was paid for or donated – and how lives of the business persons he worked with were changed. As the pastor said, “One thing I have learned in ministry, you can’t move ahead of God.” Every piece of the building both inside and out is composed of materials mostly donated and then “restored” by Burning Hope members because of their thankful hearts and willingness figure out how to put everything given to use. The building itself tells a story and is a representation of the goal of its congregants, many of whom have suffered from severe addictions, abuse or burned by the church in the past –Jesus is Savior and “restorer” of our hearts.
This church is continuing to grow and flourish as it finds its missions to “reach out” and love the rest of the community no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name. So here’s my question: are some “followers of Christ” called to specific ministry with these populations of people? OR as we look at the life of Christ in the gospels should not ALL of us be prepared to minister to our communities no matter what economic class, ethnicity, addiction or name?
As our communities change and will continue to change we wonder why our churches are not growing but perhaps we if we step back and evaluate who we are as the church, we might see that we are not truly reaching out the “community” as a whole; rather, one sector of the community in which WE are most comfortable. Is this what being a “Christ follower” is about? Were the Lukan Jesus to step into your community today, who would he be spending most of his time with?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Another day at the Post-office….
Today I decided to take a break from work to mail a few things at the local post office. I went about mid-afternoon thinking I could miss most of the lunch/post-work traffic but due to ONE postman on duty this was not the case. The line was long and people were fidgety. I stepped up as number 6 in what would soon be a line of 10 when the drama occurred. After 5 minutes of a standing in a line full of people that obviously had more important things to do other than wait 5 more minutes to get their stamps or send a package, an older man pushing 90 yrs avoided the line, moving straight to the counter to ask the postman (post-woman?) if she could help him find his letter he accidentally dropped in the box around a corner without putting a stamp on it. The post woman was quite busy but seeing how anxious this man was and his lack of hearing she decided to step away from helping the line to assist him. Immediately everyone reacted in line, turning to one another, shifting their weight, and sighing heavily. The older man was confused when the post woman left – she returned to the desk to tell him the postmaster would come and help him if he would return to the drop box – then he could talk to her through the hole in the drop box to describe the letter they were looking for. After several huhs and whats and the older man looking through several holes in the wall that were no related to the drop box he understood what she was telling him. Everyone in line was smirking and even as I was finding myself impatient I thought to myself, “some day we will all be that old man.”
Thinking that success had arrived for the old man the line progressed and all were happy. I could hear the older man talking loudly through the hole in the drop box at one point telling a middle-aged business man that had just walked in not to put his mail in the box because they were looking for something…….and all of a sudden I heard a “boom!” I abruptly turned to my left to see the older man falling hard, to the ground, knocking over a barrier, post & chain blocking the drop box area from the line. The man behind me rushed to his side claiming that the businessman had just shoved the older man, causing him to fall. Another woman and I rushed to help also as the older man was being helped up, while the middle-aged man stood there with the rest of his mail in hands held in an arrogant, yet innocent stance in the air saying, “that old man slapped me, it’s not my fault. That old man slapped me.” The 9 other people in line along with myself saw the old man fall and watched as the business man did nothing to help him out and not even denying that he shoved the old man. I couldn’t believe it.
Increasingly appalled, the 10 persons including myself who were once intolerant of the older man causing our time at the post-office to be 5 minutes longer than we had planned were immediately moved to action. One woman followed the business man out getting his license plate number as he continued to deny he was ever in the wrong (in hitting 90 yr old man mind you), another man walked the older gentleman to his car (where his wife with Alzheimer’s was waiting in the sun), another woman called the police while the postmaster searched for the mail the man had dropped off in order to figure out who he was or where he worked.
I stayed long enough to make sure the older man was okay and left my contact information for the police if they needed more witnesses but the older man’s daughter had already arrived and they had 5 adult witnesses so I decided not to get in the way.
Considering all that has just transpired I couldn’t help but ask myself these questions thinking in terms of Americans today:
What’s wrong with us – what’s so important in our lives that we can be set off enough to shove an elderly man because he’s taking so long?
OR what’s making us so angry that we react violently without even a slight hesitation of thinking rationally about the situation or concern for the other human being?
Why can’t we stay in a line for 10-15 minutes? What are we going to miss that is so imperative?
Why are we so intolerant of people who are different or perhaps embarrassing at times?
I’m hopeful that 10 people decided to act --- not one person walked away and didn’t help with something in that moment. Everyone was concerned and it was hilarious to see how all of us important, demanding, impatient peoples…all of a sudden had all the time in the world….
Thinking that success had arrived for the old man the line progressed and all were happy. I could hear the older man talking loudly through the hole in the drop box at one point telling a middle-aged business man that had just walked in not to put his mail in the box because they were looking for something…….and all of a sudden I heard a “boom!” I abruptly turned to my left to see the older man falling hard, to the ground, knocking over a barrier, post & chain blocking the drop box area from the line. The man behind me rushed to his side claiming that the businessman had just shoved the older man, causing him to fall. Another woman and I rushed to help also as the older man was being helped up, while the middle-aged man stood there with the rest of his mail in hands held in an arrogant, yet innocent stance in the air saying, “that old man slapped me, it’s not my fault. That old man slapped me.” The 9 other people in line along with myself saw the old man fall and watched as the business man did nothing to help him out and not even denying that he shoved the old man. I couldn’t believe it.
Increasingly appalled, the 10 persons including myself who were once intolerant of the older man causing our time at the post-office to be 5 minutes longer than we had planned were immediately moved to action. One woman followed the business man out getting his license plate number as he continued to deny he was ever in the wrong (in hitting 90 yr old man mind you), another man walked the older gentleman to his car (where his wife with Alzheimer’s was waiting in the sun), another woman called the police while the postmaster searched for the mail the man had dropped off in order to figure out who he was or where he worked.
I stayed long enough to make sure the older man was okay and left my contact information for the police if they needed more witnesses but the older man’s daughter had already arrived and they had 5 adult witnesses so I decided not to get in the way.
Considering all that has just transpired I couldn’t help but ask myself these questions thinking in terms of Americans today:
What’s wrong with us – what’s so important in our lives that we can be set off enough to shove an elderly man because he’s taking so long?
OR what’s making us so angry that we react violently without even a slight hesitation of thinking rationally about the situation or concern for the other human being?
Why can’t we stay in a line for 10-15 minutes? What are we going to miss that is so imperative?
Why are we so intolerant of people who are different or perhaps embarrassing at times?
I’m hopeful that 10 people decided to act --- not one person walked away and didn’t help with something in that moment. Everyone was concerned and it was hilarious to see how all of us important, demanding, impatient peoples…all of a sudden had all the time in the world….
Saturday, March 15, 2008
my heart sang today, or maybe wailed (dec. 2006 post)
For a while now...I have made fun of a lot of Christian music. Maybe going to Baylor put a bad taste in my mouth or something. I struggled with connecting the pain and ugliness of the world on our streets with us, privileged Baylor kids, singing our hearts out to the lyrics of bands that dressed hip like us and then patting ourselves on the back for purchasing those itunes instead of "secular" music. Today something happened to change my view a little. A lot of people are hurting right now. Some friends of mine have experienced loss recently or are hurting for a friend that is very sick. Some are sleeping on the streets tonight. Some are getting abused and feel trapped in their situation. Some have mental illnesses that make them think people are out to destroy them. Some are just very lonely. In all of these situations I feel powerless because there is only so much I can do. For a while now in my benevolence job I have been running on empty. I know that the pain in the world is not God's fault but when you constantly see more and more depressing situations and even your close friends encounter similar pain you start to wonder what is going on. That may seem like a faithless question but I don't care to admit it. You would think that this attitude of helplessness would have brought me to my knees -- but ironically, it made me harden my heart more and desperately try to figure out how, if I kept working harder, I could somehow figure out how to ease the pain, pray more, make more referrals, call more agencies, send more encouraging emails, whatever. No matter how hard I worked, however, more and more painful news & situations would come my way and I realized that it really was pretty much out of my control. I left work today and had had too much. I kind of felt frantic, and desperate like the girl marking bodies with lipstick in the movie Pearl Harbor, after the bombing. (probably a bad analogy). I left work and drove straight to the parking lot on University near the place where you can paddleboat & other things. I don't know why I went there. I immediately popped in a Christian mix CD - turned it up as loud as I could - and wailed. I cried and cried and cried. I cried for the abused, for the mourners, for the suffering friends, for the mentally ill, for the lonely, for the poor, for the hungry..... I cried for me... b/c I had tried to do so much on my own. I didn't have the strength to open a Bible. I didn't have the strength or words to pray to God...I didn't even know what to say. But I blared the music and let them speak for me. And then I understood Christian music. If I turned the music up louder and louder the thoughts of the world were drowned for a moment...and only uplifting words to God could be heard. I guess.... during this moment what sang the loudest was my heart...as it amened the lyrics and presented its' hurt and repentence to God. Hurting people make my heart sing? weird concept. Regardless... whatever prompted that person to write that song... helped me. God heard me and I believed the words and I believed in God's provision for these hurting people and I believed He was with me in that moment. I don't know why bad things happen in the world and I am not going to even begin to try and figure that out, EVER.Instead, I will spend my life helping others through that hurt..... even when it seems there is nothing I can do to help other than cry and pray earnestly. When I'm weak or when I'm strong... I'm thankful for the gift of song... (didn't realize that was going to rhyme...but i can't figure out how to end this post)
irreplaceable role in a great adventure
Significance. We all want this. To be significant to one, to a group of people, to the world. We want to make an impact, leave a legacy and for some of us we want to be used of God to do this. We desire adventure but often find and will continue to find that it comes in forms we did not expect or intend, especially when following Christ.
I've been thinking about the adventure of my life currently and although I still and will always have a thirst and intention to experience what I would traditionally term "adventure" (traveling to beautiful signts all over the world, experiencing & immersing myself in various cultures around the world, hiking, rafting, visiting ballparks & great cities, etc) I am begining to accept the adventure I am currently in and see the significance of it. It includes being a student of theology, sociology and scripture; letting this sink into my life, asking God to shape me as it does. This learning is coupled with profound experiences in human interaction with friends, family, church members, different churches and hurting people living in poverty. The adventure does not have a final answer as its' goal but rather a commitment to not give up on the adventure but see it through my life, sharing with all around me through my life and words how a church can truly BE the church and how hurting people all around them are WAITING for us to speak truth & hope into their hurting lives. I'm okay with this adventure and feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon in it out of grace and continue to stumble through it by grace. What adventure are you in?
My 5th grade teacher remains in my life now as a friend, mentor of sorts from my church back home and "partner in hope" as we have tried together to help our friend on parole stay out of trouble and on his feet. Now there have been times through the years that I thought to myself, "this lady talks about Jesus all the time, geeees," because Jesus is literally mentioned in every 1 of every 3 of her sentences but as I've gotten older and began to witness her life firsthand I realized what great faith she has. She is a wife, mother of two, grandmother of 10, retired teacher of 30? years, active church member and ministers to prisoners at the unit in town as well as the county jail. Not only does she go out to minister but she is faithful in corresponding with those she has visited at one point in time by letter and by phone. I don't know when she sleeps. You will not see her without a genuine smile on her face. I have met with one of the ex-offenders she led to Christ, infact I became good friends with him and his face lit up when he spoke of her. I couldn't believe that after 10 years of receiving Christ and visiting with her she was still writing him letters and he knew he could call her occasionally. She is what I term "the real deal." My friend was making it because this woman stayed faithfully in his corner, praying for him and being available as a sister in Christ. Who the hell am I to say she is saying "Jesus" way to much in her sentences??
Some of the men and women she ministers to in prison and the county jail, upon getting out then come with her to church. Our church has changed a lot but for the most part we are a middle to upper class congregation (for our small town) and predominantly but not all, white. Most friends she has brought with her are low-income and either AFrican-American or Hispanic. Several people have accepted Christ and have been baptized in our church over the years because of her and some have even joined the church.
Over the years I have heard comments from congregants including myself that know or have known some of the friends she has brought, for example, "oh they're just going to go back to their old habits." "I'm nervous about them being in our church." "Why are THEY going on the mission trip??" Or when one of her friends slipped back into an hold habit I've heard some say, "See, I told ya." Although I'm sure some of our congregants, especially her husband and others that minister alongside her also as well as our pastor have reached out to these friends of hers, for the most part she the only one doing it and continuing to follow-up even when her friends slipped back into addictions.
I ran into her this past weekend when home at a wedding shower. Immediately she engaged me new stories of God's faithfulness as well as concerns. We talked about our mutual friend not doing so well and as she spoke to me I noticed she looked so tired. This woman's adventure is wearing her out. She is passionate as I am about seeing the church BE the church.........but the difference in her and I is that instead of learning and waiting for it to happen....she's doing it. She's bearing it all.......with reckless abandon and when she made comments like "God is good" or "God is faithful" I knew those statements were not cliche ways of ending a conversation but deep-rooted statements of faith from multiple experiences had on her kneeds begging God to come through for these hurting friends of hers, pleading with God to raise up Christians in the community that would rise up and accept them and then seeing God's merciful hand in action. She was speaking of a personal friend, she is constantly communication with and attesting to the goodness this friend has shown her.
Still, among this great testimony of the life of my 5th grade teacher, I know so many people don't truly "get" her. She is perhaps too zealous, too "Jesusy" and I used to think of her that way too, honestly. But now I see something I desire -- a life communed with God, sent out daily, a heart that is fierce with love for her husband, children, grandchildren and for all the hopeless of her community, a life that comes with great cost, a nurturer, a lover.......... she is a true disciple in the midst of her continuous advenure of following Christ at the age of 68.....playing an irreplaceable role.
I've been thinking about the adventure of my life currently and although I still and will always have a thirst and intention to experience what I would traditionally term "adventure" (traveling to beautiful signts all over the world, experiencing & immersing myself in various cultures around the world, hiking, rafting, visiting ballparks & great cities, etc) I am begining to accept the adventure I am currently in and see the significance of it. It includes being a student of theology, sociology and scripture; letting this sink into my life, asking God to shape me as it does. This learning is coupled with profound experiences in human interaction with friends, family, church members, different churches and hurting people living in poverty. The adventure does not have a final answer as its' goal but rather a commitment to not give up on the adventure but see it through my life, sharing with all around me through my life and words how a church can truly BE the church and how hurting people all around them are WAITING for us to speak truth & hope into their hurting lives. I'm okay with this adventure and feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon in it out of grace and continue to stumble through it by grace. What adventure are you in?
My 5th grade teacher remains in my life now as a friend, mentor of sorts from my church back home and "partner in hope" as we have tried together to help our friend on parole stay out of trouble and on his feet. Now there have been times through the years that I thought to myself, "this lady talks about Jesus all the time, geeees," because Jesus is literally mentioned in every 1 of every 3 of her sentences but as I've gotten older and began to witness her life firsthand I realized what great faith she has. She is a wife, mother of two, grandmother of 10, retired teacher of 30? years, active church member and ministers to prisoners at the unit in town as well as the county jail. Not only does she go out to minister but she is faithful in corresponding with those she has visited at one point in time by letter and by phone. I don't know when she sleeps. You will not see her without a genuine smile on her face. I have met with one of the ex-offenders she led to Christ, infact I became good friends with him and his face lit up when he spoke of her. I couldn't believe that after 10 years of receiving Christ and visiting with her she was still writing him letters and he knew he could call her occasionally. She is what I term "the real deal." My friend was making it because this woman stayed faithfully in his corner, praying for him and being available as a sister in Christ. Who the hell am I to say she is saying "Jesus" way to much in her sentences??
Some of the men and women she ministers to in prison and the county jail, upon getting out then come with her to church. Our church has changed a lot but for the most part we are a middle to upper class congregation (for our small town) and predominantly but not all, white. Most friends she has brought with her are low-income and either AFrican-American or Hispanic. Several people have accepted Christ and have been baptized in our church over the years because of her and some have even joined the church.
Over the years I have heard comments from congregants including myself that know or have known some of the friends she has brought, for example, "oh they're just going to go back to their old habits." "I'm nervous about them being in our church." "Why are THEY going on the mission trip??" Or when one of her friends slipped back into an hold habit I've heard some say, "See, I told ya." Although I'm sure some of our congregants, especially her husband and others that minister alongside her also as well as our pastor have reached out to these friends of hers, for the most part she the only one doing it and continuing to follow-up even when her friends slipped back into addictions.
I ran into her this past weekend when home at a wedding shower. Immediately she engaged me new stories of God's faithfulness as well as concerns. We talked about our mutual friend not doing so well and as she spoke to me I noticed she looked so tired. This woman's adventure is wearing her out. She is passionate as I am about seeing the church BE the church.........but the difference in her and I is that instead of learning and waiting for it to happen....she's doing it. She's bearing it all.......with reckless abandon and when she made comments like "God is good" or "God is faithful" I knew those statements were not cliche ways of ending a conversation but deep-rooted statements of faith from multiple experiences had on her kneeds begging God to come through for these hurting friends of hers, pleading with God to raise up Christians in the community that would rise up and accept them and then seeing God's merciful hand in action. She was speaking of a personal friend, she is constantly communication with and attesting to the goodness this friend has shown her.
Still, among this great testimony of the life of my 5th grade teacher, I know so many people don't truly "get" her. She is perhaps too zealous, too "Jesusy" and I used to think of her that way too, honestly. But now I see something I desire -- a life communed with God, sent out daily, a heart that is fierce with love for her husband, children, grandchildren and for all the hopeless of her community, a life that comes with great cost, a nurturer, a lover.......... she is a true disciple in the midst of her continuous advenure of following Christ at the age of 68.....playing an irreplaceable role.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Delayed Gratification
I do not understand this concept. I want it fast and I want it now. I want resolution and answers. I'm middle-class, educated, white American. If I want an answer I google my question. If I want food I go through a drive-thru. If I'm sleepy I get a drink at starbucks. If I want a new toy and can't afford it I charge it to my credit card. If I'm having a bad day I do one or all of these things and get my quick fix.
Are these things bad? I dunno. At some point this lifestyle and mentality begins to infect the way I view Christianity also. I'm unhappy God so fix it. If I have enough faith and if I pray every day at 6 am I can will this to happen! I'm serving you and haven't missed a monthly tithe God so where's my bonus or reward?
It's not enough to preach it. I actually have to live it. I'm not talking about just a moral between me and God life and I'm definitey not talking about YOUR standards of how I should be living. I'm talking about a complete mentaliy change. A lifestyle in which I literally choose and by the grace of God find it a joy to follow Him, putting him first and not fretting about the complications of life because of the gentle whisper He gives me as I face adversity. I'm talking about being okay with the struggles and roadblocks because I realize they are inevitable..... expressing my anger and frusteration with God all the way through because I am human yet realizing in the end that God is beautiful and gracious and I am not meant to control or understand everything.
There is pressure for me to produce a "product" while I am here interning in this congregation in this community. I am probably putting the pressure on myself mostly because I feel I need to produce something to show my efforts, to communicate it was worth their while to have me there, to provide me a stipend and to possibly house another intern in the future. The problem is, if I helped them start another program it would probalby just be another thing to add to their list and the same volunteers that volunteer for everything would help. I could come up with a flashy presentation and incentive to lure the young families into a community project but again if the mentality and heart are not right it will surely dwindle also. The development of a mission-minded church and/or community ministries takes time. Why? Because I am realizing just now that to truly "get it" it takes a death to self.
That's not a very popular thing to promote in church haha and neither is ministry to the poor.
I've come to the conclusion that because we serve a God of grace we probably can experience him in a "prosperity theology" type worship and setting BUT for those (and I so hope that some day I will bel able to look back and see that I attempted to grasp this) that truly decide to place their needs, wants and ideals before God and choose to follow Him first at no matter what the cost, there is a richer, more sustaining peace and love experienced than one could imagine. Perhaps its just a glimpse of the relationship Jesus had with God ---
I've heard people pray before in church or in a small group setting and their request was so honest and language was so real it was as a friend of mine put it, "like we were eavesdropping on a conversation that had been going on for a long time."
I long to get to a place like that in my life.... to spend time aware of God's presence around me daily as well as in others' lives...believing it so much that when I asked to pray infront of or behalf of a group of people it is just a continuation of a conversation that has been going on all day, week and hour.
Are these things bad? I dunno. At some point this lifestyle and mentality begins to infect the way I view Christianity also. I'm unhappy God so fix it. If I have enough faith and if I pray every day at 6 am I can will this to happen! I'm serving you and haven't missed a monthly tithe God so where's my bonus or reward?
It's not enough to preach it. I actually have to live it. I'm not talking about just a moral between me and God life and I'm definitey not talking about YOUR standards of how I should be living. I'm talking about a complete mentaliy change. A lifestyle in which I literally choose and by the grace of God find it a joy to follow Him, putting him first and not fretting about the complications of life because of the gentle whisper He gives me as I face adversity. I'm talking about being okay with the struggles and roadblocks because I realize they are inevitable..... expressing my anger and frusteration with God all the way through because I am human yet realizing in the end that God is beautiful and gracious and I am not meant to control or understand everything.
There is pressure for me to produce a "product" while I am here interning in this congregation in this community. I am probably putting the pressure on myself mostly because I feel I need to produce something to show my efforts, to communicate it was worth their while to have me there, to provide me a stipend and to possibly house another intern in the future. The problem is, if I helped them start another program it would probalby just be another thing to add to their list and the same volunteers that volunteer for everything would help. I could come up with a flashy presentation and incentive to lure the young families into a community project but again if the mentality and heart are not right it will surely dwindle also. The development of a mission-minded church and/or community ministries takes time. Why? Because I am realizing just now that to truly "get it" it takes a death to self.
That's not a very popular thing to promote in church haha and neither is ministry to the poor.
I've come to the conclusion that because we serve a God of grace we probably can experience him in a "prosperity theology" type worship and setting BUT for those (and I so hope that some day I will bel able to look back and see that I attempted to grasp this) that truly decide to place their needs, wants and ideals before God and choose to follow Him first at no matter what the cost, there is a richer, more sustaining peace and love experienced than one could imagine. Perhaps its just a glimpse of the relationship Jesus had with God ---
I've heard people pray before in church or in a small group setting and their request was so honest and language was so real it was as a friend of mine put it, "like we were eavesdropping on a conversation that had been going on for a long time."
I long to get to a place like that in my life.... to spend time aware of God's presence around me daily as well as in others' lives...believing it so much that when I asked to pray infront of or behalf of a group of people it is just a continuation of a conversation that has been going on all day, week and hour.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
the next step
When serving as the benevolence coordinator of a church for over a year, I came into contact with people from all walks of life, cultures, backgrounds and experiences. Everyday the only thing I could depend on was that someone I work with would think I was giving/helping too much, someone asking for help would be lying and someone would be hurting. Some of our visitors were were schizophrenic, bi-polar, depressed, addicted to alcohol, crack, cocaine, or xanex, didn't speak english, couldn't read, sex offenders, murderers, rapists...... this list continues. The power of Christ I experienced during this job -- I could't articulate at the time because it was so different than the message of Christ I grew up hearing and modeled by the church. Somehow, when I admitted that I was desperate and did not know HOW to help these people, how much to give them, how to figure out who was telling the truth, how to please the church I was working for...... God would step in and in mid-conversation these people lost their previous label and instead I saw lonliness, guilt, loss of hope, fear, hurt, grief, and desperation. Because I am judgmental and selfish I know this ability and new way of seeing did not come from me.
The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.
I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.
Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.
I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?
The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.
I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.
Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.
I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
loneliness
Loneliness
It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.
I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:
“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”
Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.
All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.
Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.
I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.
Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.
I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.
As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.
I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.
Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.
I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.
I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.
prayer for worship:
Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.
It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.
I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:
“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”
Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.
All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.
Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.
I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.
Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.
I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.
As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.
I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.
Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.
I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.
I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.
prayer for worship:
Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.
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