Enough

This weekend I became fully aware that there is a “me” that I do not like. It tries too hard to make friends, cannot handle missing out and struggles with not being the center of attention. I realized last night that I live as if I am “chosen” and that although I believe that ALL are chosen by God and have opportunity to realize and believe in this grace, I confuse this confidence, freedom and joy so much with an arrogance and superiority given to me by the world. I live sometimes as if my choseness is because of something I do or because I looked a certain way that makes me special.

If I was truly chosen and recognized my fullness in Christ, would I not then be that much more aware of my downward mobility in the world and kingdom I live in – a kingdom in which Jesus is ever present and active. I am ashamed to think there is ANYTHING that I could do or am that makes me set apart. Anything I have “done” is only a glimmer of who I am and hoping to become as I learn to surrender to Jesus these things. It’s a mentality shift, heart change and a work of divine grace as I live each day. I am thankful for God’s love and terribly disturbed at who I’ve become. I believed that because of who I was and what I did for God meant that I deserved from God. Perhaps this mislead belief is why I’ve been so miserable at times and why I’ve had broken relationships, missed out on true joy in situations in life and because I was expecting them to fulfill my every need rather than looking at them as an undeserved, unexpected gift that could teach me.

The best experience I could have gone through was to serve in a small town in TX, in a small church not aware of the power and value of the skills social work could contribute to a church context.. I struggled not being constantly praised. I struggled with not having control of anything and yet I was closet to Jesus than ever. At one point I felt God was asking, “Am I enough for you Mallory?” and I said honestly, “No.” I felt I deserved more. I want to serve God and want others to feel hope that I know – especially after seeing what despair tangibly looks like in other countries, in the US, in our own community, in the eyes of my friends and in myself. I believe there is more to faith than Sunday morning, scripture, deacon’s meeting, not missing Sunday school, VBS, not cussing and not drinking. God is crying out for us to realize this truth and showing the truth to us daily but we don’t say “yes” to him because if we’re honest with ourselves we don’t believe he is enough. We want to serve God and still get what we deserve for it.

I recognize now that while I can still be honest in what I desire – I do not “deserve” those things and if I force or control what I want to occur in my life – I might actually get that but will never understand my fullness in life or the fullness of that gift until I can truly believe an accept that God is enough above all of those things. What does it take for me to realize that God is enough? How do I avoid temptations of what I deserve when the world tells us constantly that we do deserve and there is not point in believing in something that doesn’t deliver??

There’s no one to trust. And there is no right or wrong – even in the midst of the world in which I am studying and being shaped to know God better. One cannot trust the legalistic bible-abiding gossip more than the good-hearted, out-of-control drunkard or anyone in between-- that are all only trying to figure out who they are and what God wants with them. Because of this I can choose to despair even further and be ashamed of my own lack of trustworthiness OR fall in line with the attitude of grace, recognizing that because we are all searching we need a higher power that saves us daily and teaches us through one another about a character of grace and love. I’ve come to understand at the moment I guess that THAT is enough for me. And THAT is actually God. It is only enough for me if it is intentional and so it requires something of me. It requires seeking God in all of these situations of struggle, joy, temptation and disappointment rather than controlling and figuring it out on my own.

God you show yourself in unlikely faces,
And I don’t know why I still believe in you sometimes.
But when the despair becomes too much
You’ve never NOT revealed a truth or path.
What is it about me that you care so much for,
When time and time again I’ve thrown your grace away?
I’ve proven myself a hard heart acting in your name.
I find it hard to claim your work or utter your name even in the presence of friends.
Then there are moments in others’ lives I cannot explain.
Others seem to be rewarded what I felt I deserved.
I find myself 8 steps behind in what I know of you,
Giving up is easy and so I do.
Thinking I have a choice in the matter but
I don’t really when my heart aches so to ignore the issue.
They have it together but they don’t
The aura around them is dark
What I can do? Mine is not much different.
YOU do it! YOU bring your miracles and prove your
Power – why are you waiting for us? It’s too late.
Our buildings, status and lives that we cannot control anyway
Mean too much! Just give up, we’re never going to get it.

“Yes, you are”

Rhythm of my Life

The rhythm I function on is chaotic, 60% purposeless sand functions mostly out of bursts of opportunity that feed my loneliness, hunger, despair, selfishness and anxiousness. What if all I “did” remained the same but became a rhythm through you? As if I was aware that washing dishes, drinking a beer on the porch and riding my bike to class were all connected to a rhythm that glorified you through how it affected your living creation? Perhaps then the rhythms would not be striving or escaping but SHAPING who you desire me to BE now, not just who I am becoming.