the next step

When serving as the benevolence coordinator of a church for over a year, I came into contact with people from all walks of life, cultures, backgrounds and experiences. Everyday the only thing I could depend on was that someone I work with would think I was giving/helping too much, someone asking for help would be lying and someone would be hurting. Some of our visitors were were schizophrenic, bi-polar, depressed, addicted to alcohol, crack, cocaine, or xanex, didn't speak english, couldn't read, sex offenders, murderers, rapists...... this list continues. The power of Christ I experienced during this job -- I could't articulate at the time because it was so different than the message of Christ I grew up hearing and modeled by the church. Somehow, when I admitted that I was desperate and did not know HOW to help these people, how much to give them, how to figure out who was telling the truth, how to please the church I was working for...... God would step in and in mid-conversation these people lost their previous label and instead I saw lonliness, guilt, loss of hope, fear, hurt, grief, and desperation. Because I am judgmental and selfish I know this ability and new way of seeing did not come from me.

The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.

I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.

Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.

I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?