my heart sang today, or maybe wailed (dec. 2006 post)

For a while now...I have made fun of a lot of Christian music. Maybe going to Baylor put a bad taste in my mouth or something. I struggled with connecting the pain and ugliness of the world on our streets with us, privileged Baylor kids, singing our hearts out to the lyrics of bands that dressed hip like us and then patting ourselves on the back for purchasing those itunes instead of "secular" music. Today something happened to change my view a little. A lot of people are hurting right now. Some friends of mine have experienced loss recently or are hurting for a friend that is very sick. Some are sleeping on the streets tonight. Some are getting abused and feel trapped in their situation. Some have mental illnesses that make them think people are out to destroy them. Some are just very lonely. In all of these situations I feel powerless because there is only so much I can do. For a while now in my benevolence job I have been running on empty. I know that the pain in the world is not God's fault but when you constantly see more and more depressing situations and even your close friends encounter similar pain you start to wonder what is going on. That may seem like a faithless question but I don't care to admit it. You would think that this attitude of helplessness would have brought me to my knees -- but ironically, it made me harden my heart more and desperately try to figure out how, if I kept working harder, I could somehow figure out how to ease the pain, pray more, make more referrals, call more agencies, send more encouraging emails, whatever. No matter how hard I worked, however, more and more painful news & situations would come my way and I realized that it really was pretty much out of my control. I left work today and had had too much. I kind of felt frantic, and desperate like the girl marking bodies with lipstick in the movie Pearl Harbor, after the bombing. (probably a bad analogy). I left work and drove straight to the parking lot on University near the place where you can paddleboat & other things. I don't know why I went there. I immediately popped in a Christian mix CD - turned it up as loud as I could - and wailed. I cried and cried and cried. I cried for the abused, for the mourners, for the suffering friends, for the mentally ill, for the lonely, for the poor, for the hungry..... I cried for me... b/c I had tried to do so much on my own. I didn't have the strength to open a Bible. I didn't have the strength or words to pray to God...I didn't even know what to say. But I blared the music and let them speak for me. And then I understood Christian music. If I turned the music up louder and louder the thoughts of the world were drowned for a moment...and only uplifting words to God could be heard. I guess.... during this moment what sang the loudest was my heart...as it amened the lyrics and presented its' hurt and repentence to God. Hurting people make my heart sing? weird concept. Regardless... whatever prompted that person to write that song... helped me. God heard me and I believed the words and I believed in God's provision for these hurting people and I believed He was with me in that moment. I don't know why bad things happen in the world and I am not going to even begin to try and figure that out, EVER.Instead, I will spend my life helping others through that hurt..... even when it seems there is nothing I can do to help other than cry and pray earnestly. When I'm weak or when I'm strong... I'm thankful for the gift of song... (didn't realize that was going to rhyme...but i can't figure out how to end this post)