loneliness

Loneliness

It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.

I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:

“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”

Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.

All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.

Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.

I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.

Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.

I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.

As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.

I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.

Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.

I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.

I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.

prayer for worship:

Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.