Saturday, March 15, 2008
my heart sang today, or maybe wailed (dec. 2006 post)
For a while now...I have made fun of a lot of Christian music. Maybe going to Baylor put a bad taste in my mouth or something. I struggled with connecting the pain and ugliness of the world on our streets with us, privileged Baylor kids, singing our hearts out to the lyrics of bands that dressed hip like us and then patting ourselves on the back for purchasing those itunes instead of "secular" music. Today something happened to change my view a little. A lot of people are hurting right now. Some friends of mine have experienced loss recently or are hurting for a friend that is very sick. Some are sleeping on the streets tonight. Some are getting abused and feel trapped in their situation. Some have mental illnesses that make them think people are out to destroy them. Some are just very lonely. In all of these situations I feel powerless because there is only so much I can do. For a while now in my benevolence job I have been running on empty. I know that the pain in the world is not God's fault but when you constantly see more and more depressing situations and even your close friends encounter similar pain you start to wonder what is going on. That may seem like a faithless question but I don't care to admit it. You would think that this attitude of helplessness would have brought me to my knees -- but ironically, it made me harden my heart more and desperately try to figure out how, if I kept working harder, I could somehow figure out how to ease the pain, pray more, make more referrals, call more agencies, send more encouraging emails, whatever. No matter how hard I worked, however, more and more painful news & situations would come my way and I realized that it really was pretty much out of my control. I left work today and had had too much. I kind of felt frantic, and desperate like the girl marking bodies with lipstick in the movie Pearl Harbor, after the bombing. (probably a bad analogy). I left work and drove straight to the parking lot on University near the place where you can paddleboat & other things. I don't know why I went there. I immediately popped in a Christian mix CD - turned it up as loud as I could - and wailed. I cried and cried and cried. I cried for the abused, for the mourners, for the suffering friends, for the mentally ill, for the lonely, for the poor, for the hungry..... I cried for me... b/c I had tried to do so much on my own. I didn't have the strength to open a Bible. I didn't have the strength or words to pray to God...I didn't even know what to say. But I blared the music and let them speak for me. And then I understood Christian music. If I turned the music up louder and louder the thoughts of the world were drowned for a moment...and only uplifting words to God could be heard. I guess.... during this moment what sang the loudest was my heart...as it amened the lyrics and presented its' hurt and repentence to God. Hurting people make my heart sing? weird concept. Regardless... whatever prompted that person to write that song... helped me. God heard me and I believed the words and I believed in God's provision for these hurting people and I believed He was with me in that moment. I don't know why bad things happen in the world and I am not going to even begin to try and figure that out, EVER.Instead, I will spend my life helping others through that hurt..... even when it seems there is nothing I can do to help other than cry and pray earnestly. When I'm weak or when I'm strong... I'm thankful for the gift of song... (didn't realize that was going to rhyme...but i can't figure out how to end this post)
irreplaceable role in a great adventure
Significance. We all want this. To be significant to one, to a group of people, to the world. We want to make an impact, leave a legacy and for some of us we want to be used of God to do this. We desire adventure but often find and will continue to find that it comes in forms we did not expect or intend, especially when following Christ.
I've been thinking about the adventure of my life currently and although I still and will always have a thirst and intention to experience what I would traditionally term "adventure" (traveling to beautiful signts all over the world, experiencing & immersing myself in various cultures around the world, hiking, rafting, visiting ballparks & great cities, etc) I am begining to accept the adventure I am currently in and see the significance of it. It includes being a student of theology, sociology and scripture; letting this sink into my life, asking God to shape me as it does. This learning is coupled with profound experiences in human interaction with friends, family, church members, different churches and hurting people living in poverty. The adventure does not have a final answer as its' goal but rather a commitment to not give up on the adventure but see it through my life, sharing with all around me through my life and words how a church can truly BE the church and how hurting people all around them are WAITING for us to speak truth & hope into their hurting lives. I'm okay with this adventure and feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon in it out of grace and continue to stumble through it by grace. What adventure are you in?
My 5th grade teacher remains in my life now as a friend, mentor of sorts from my church back home and "partner in hope" as we have tried together to help our friend on parole stay out of trouble and on his feet. Now there have been times through the years that I thought to myself, "this lady talks about Jesus all the time, geeees," because Jesus is literally mentioned in every 1 of every 3 of her sentences but as I've gotten older and began to witness her life firsthand I realized what great faith she has. She is a wife, mother of two, grandmother of 10, retired teacher of 30? years, active church member and ministers to prisoners at the unit in town as well as the county jail. Not only does she go out to minister but she is faithful in corresponding with those she has visited at one point in time by letter and by phone. I don't know when she sleeps. You will not see her without a genuine smile on her face. I have met with one of the ex-offenders she led to Christ, infact I became good friends with him and his face lit up when he spoke of her. I couldn't believe that after 10 years of receiving Christ and visiting with her she was still writing him letters and he knew he could call her occasionally. She is what I term "the real deal." My friend was making it because this woman stayed faithfully in his corner, praying for him and being available as a sister in Christ. Who the hell am I to say she is saying "Jesus" way to much in her sentences??
Some of the men and women she ministers to in prison and the county jail, upon getting out then come with her to church. Our church has changed a lot but for the most part we are a middle to upper class congregation (for our small town) and predominantly but not all, white. Most friends she has brought with her are low-income and either AFrican-American or Hispanic. Several people have accepted Christ and have been baptized in our church over the years because of her and some have even joined the church.
Over the years I have heard comments from congregants including myself that know or have known some of the friends she has brought, for example, "oh they're just going to go back to their old habits." "I'm nervous about them being in our church." "Why are THEY going on the mission trip??" Or when one of her friends slipped back into an hold habit I've heard some say, "See, I told ya." Although I'm sure some of our congregants, especially her husband and others that minister alongside her also as well as our pastor have reached out to these friends of hers, for the most part she the only one doing it and continuing to follow-up even when her friends slipped back into addictions.
I ran into her this past weekend when home at a wedding shower. Immediately she engaged me new stories of God's faithfulness as well as concerns. We talked about our mutual friend not doing so well and as she spoke to me I noticed she looked so tired. This woman's adventure is wearing her out. She is passionate as I am about seeing the church BE the church.........but the difference in her and I is that instead of learning and waiting for it to happen....she's doing it. She's bearing it all.......with reckless abandon and when she made comments like "God is good" or "God is faithful" I knew those statements were not cliche ways of ending a conversation but deep-rooted statements of faith from multiple experiences had on her kneeds begging God to come through for these hurting friends of hers, pleading with God to raise up Christians in the community that would rise up and accept them and then seeing God's merciful hand in action. She was speaking of a personal friend, she is constantly communication with and attesting to the goodness this friend has shown her.
Still, among this great testimony of the life of my 5th grade teacher, I know so many people don't truly "get" her. She is perhaps too zealous, too "Jesusy" and I used to think of her that way too, honestly. But now I see something I desire -- a life communed with God, sent out daily, a heart that is fierce with love for her husband, children, grandchildren and for all the hopeless of her community, a life that comes with great cost, a nurturer, a lover.......... she is a true disciple in the midst of her continuous advenure of following Christ at the age of 68.....playing an irreplaceable role.
I've been thinking about the adventure of my life currently and although I still and will always have a thirst and intention to experience what I would traditionally term "adventure" (traveling to beautiful signts all over the world, experiencing & immersing myself in various cultures around the world, hiking, rafting, visiting ballparks & great cities, etc) I am begining to accept the adventure I am currently in and see the significance of it. It includes being a student of theology, sociology and scripture; letting this sink into my life, asking God to shape me as it does. This learning is coupled with profound experiences in human interaction with friends, family, church members, different churches and hurting people living in poverty. The adventure does not have a final answer as its' goal but rather a commitment to not give up on the adventure but see it through my life, sharing with all around me through my life and words how a church can truly BE the church and how hurting people all around them are WAITING for us to speak truth & hope into their hurting lives. I'm okay with this adventure and feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon in it out of grace and continue to stumble through it by grace. What adventure are you in?
My 5th grade teacher remains in my life now as a friend, mentor of sorts from my church back home and "partner in hope" as we have tried together to help our friend on parole stay out of trouble and on his feet. Now there have been times through the years that I thought to myself, "this lady talks about Jesus all the time, geeees," because Jesus is literally mentioned in every 1 of every 3 of her sentences but as I've gotten older and began to witness her life firsthand I realized what great faith she has. She is a wife, mother of two, grandmother of 10, retired teacher of 30? years, active church member and ministers to prisoners at the unit in town as well as the county jail. Not only does she go out to minister but she is faithful in corresponding with those she has visited at one point in time by letter and by phone. I don't know when she sleeps. You will not see her without a genuine smile on her face. I have met with one of the ex-offenders she led to Christ, infact I became good friends with him and his face lit up when he spoke of her. I couldn't believe that after 10 years of receiving Christ and visiting with her she was still writing him letters and he knew he could call her occasionally. She is what I term "the real deal." My friend was making it because this woman stayed faithfully in his corner, praying for him and being available as a sister in Christ. Who the hell am I to say she is saying "Jesus" way to much in her sentences??
Some of the men and women she ministers to in prison and the county jail, upon getting out then come with her to church. Our church has changed a lot but for the most part we are a middle to upper class congregation (for our small town) and predominantly but not all, white. Most friends she has brought with her are low-income and either AFrican-American or Hispanic. Several people have accepted Christ and have been baptized in our church over the years because of her and some have even joined the church.
Over the years I have heard comments from congregants including myself that know or have known some of the friends she has brought, for example, "oh they're just going to go back to their old habits." "I'm nervous about them being in our church." "Why are THEY going on the mission trip??" Or when one of her friends slipped back into an hold habit I've heard some say, "See, I told ya." Although I'm sure some of our congregants, especially her husband and others that minister alongside her also as well as our pastor have reached out to these friends of hers, for the most part she the only one doing it and continuing to follow-up even when her friends slipped back into addictions.
I ran into her this past weekend when home at a wedding shower. Immediately she engaged me new stories of God's faithfulness as well as concerns. We talked about our mutual friend not doing so well and as she spoke to me I noticed she looked so tired. This woman's adventure is wearing her out. She is passionate as I am about seeing the church BE the church.........but the difference in her and I is that instead of learning and waiting for it to happen....she's doing it. She's bearing it all.......with reckless abandon and when she made comments like "God is good" or "God is faithful" I knew those statements were not cliche ways of ending a conversation but deep-rooted statements of faith from multiple experiences had on her kneeds begging God to come through for these hurting friends of hers, pleading with God to raise up Christians in the community that would rise up and accept them and then seeing God's merciful hand in action. She was speaking of a personal friend, she is constantly communication with and attesting to the goodness this friend has shown her.
Still, among this great testimony of the life of my 5th grade teacher, I know so many people don't truly "get" her. She is perhaps too zealous, too "Jesusy" and I used to think of her that way too, honestly. But now I see something I desire -- a life communed with God, sent out daily, a heart that is fierce with love for her husband, children, grandchildren and for all the hopeless of her community, a life that comes with great cost, a nurturer, a lover.......... she is a true disciple in the midst of her continuous advenure of following Christ at the age of 68.....playing an irreplaceable role.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Delayed Gratification
I do not understand this concept. I want it fast and I want it now. I want resolution and answers. I'm middle-class, educated, white American. If I want an answer I google my question. If I want food I go through a drive-thru. If I'm sleepy I get a drink at starbucks. If I want a new toy and can't afford it I charge it to my credit card. If I'm having a bad day I do one or all of these things and get my quick fix.
Are these things bad? I dunno. At some point this lifestyle and mentality begins to infect the way I view Christianity also. I'm unhappy God so fix it. If I have enough faith and if I pray every day at 6 am I can will this to happen! I'm serving you and haven't missed a monthly tithe God so where's my bonus or reward?
It's not enough to preach it. I actually have to live it. I'm not talking about just a moral between me and God life and I'm definitey not talking about YOUR standards of how I should be living. I'm talking about a complete mentaliy change. A lifestyle in which I literally choose and by the grace of God find it a joy to follow Him, putting him first and not fretting about the complications of life because of the gentle whisper He gives me as I face adversity. I'm talking about being okay with the struggles and roadblocks because I realize they are inevitable..... expressing my anger and frusteration with God all the way through because I am human yet realizing in the end that God is beautiful and gracious and I am not meant to control or understand everything.
There is pressure for me to produce a "product" while I am here interning in this congregation in this community. I am probably putting the pressure on myself mostly because I feel I need to produce something to show my efforts, to communicate it was worth their while to have me there, to provide me a stipend and to possibly house another intern in the future. The problem is, if I helped them start another program it would probalby just be another thing to add to their list and the same volunteers that volunteer for everything would help. I could come up with a flashy presentation and incentive to lure the young families into a community project but again if the mentality and heart are not right it will surely dwindle also. The development of a mission-minded church and/or community ministries takes time. Why? Because I am realizing just now that to truly "get it" it takes a death to self.
That's not a very popular thing to promote in church haha and neither is ministry to the poor.
I've come to the conclusion that because we serve a God of grace we probably can experience him in a "prosperity theology" type worship and setting BUT for those (and I so hope that some day I will bel able to look back and see that I attempted to grasp this) that truly decide to place their needs, wants and ideals before God and choose to follow Him first at no matter what the cost, there is a richer, more sustaining peace and love experienced than one could imagine. Perhaps its just a glimpse of the relationship Jesus had with God ---
I've heard people pray before in church or in a small group setting and their request was so honest and language was so real it was as a friend of mine put it, "like we were eavesdropping on a conversation that had been going on for a long time."
I long to get to a place like that in my life.... to spend time aware of God's presence around me daily as well as in others' lives...believing it so much that when I asked to pray infront of or behalf of a group of people it is just a continuation of a conversation that has been going on all day, week and hour.
Are these things bad? I dunno. At some point this lifestyle and mentality begins to infect the way I view Christianity also. I'm unhappy God so fix it. If I have enough faith and if I pray every day at 6 am I can will this to happen! I'm serving you and haven't missed a monthly tithe God so where's my bonus or reward?
It's not enough to preach it. I actually have to live it. I'm not talking about just a moral between me and God life and I'm definitey not talking about YOUR standards of how I should be living. I'm talking about a complete mentaliy change. A lifestyle in which I literally choose and by the grace of God find it a joy to follow Him, putting him first and not fretting about the complications of life because of the gentle whisper He gives me as I face adversity. I'm talking about being okay with the struggles and roadblocks because I realize they are inevitable..... expressing my anger and frusteration with God all the way through because I am human yet realizing in the end that God is beautiful and gracious and I am not meant to control or understand everything.
There is pressure for me to produce a "product" while I am here interning in this congregation in this community. I am probably putting the pressure on myself mostly because I feel I need to produce something to show my efforts, to communicate it was worth their while to have me there, to provide me a stipend and to possibly house another intern in the future. The problem is, if I helped them start another program it would probalby just be another thing to add to their list and the same volunteers that volunteer for everything would help. I could come up with a flashy presentation and incentive to lure the young families into a community project but again if the mentality and heart are not right it will surely dwindle also. The development of a mission-minded church and/or community ministries takes time. Why? Because I am realizing just now that to truly "get it" it takes a death to self.
That's not a very popular thing to promote in church haha and neither is ministry to the poor.
I've come to the conclusion that because we serve a God of grace we probably can experience him in a "prosperity theology" type worship and setting BUT for those (and I so hope that some day I will bel able to look back and see that I attempted to grasp this) that truly decide to place their needs, wants and ideals before God and choose to follow Him first at no matter what the cost, there is a richer, more sustaining peace and love experienced than one could imagine. Perhaps its just a glimpse of the relationship Jesus had with God ---
I've heard people pray before in church or in a small group setting and their request was so honest and language was so real it was as a friend of mine put it, "like we were eavesdropping on a conversation that had been going on for a long time."
I long to get to a place like that in my life.... to spend time aware of God's presence around me daily as well as in others' lives...believing it so much that when I asked to pray infront of or behalf of a group of people it is just a continuation of a conversation that has been going on all day, week and hour.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
the next step
When serving as the benevolence coordinator of a church for over a year, I came into contact with people from all walks of life, cultures, backgrounds and experiences. Everyday the only thing I could depend on was that someone I work with would think I was giving/helping too much, someone asking for help would be lying and someone would be hurting. Some of our visitors were were schizophrenic, bi-polar, depressed, addicted to alcohol, crack, cocaine, or xanex, didn't speak english, couldn't read, sex offenders, murderers, rapists...... this list continues. The power of Christ I experienced during this job -- I could't articulate at the time because it was so different than the message of Christ I grew up hearing and modeled by the church. Somehow, when I admitted that I was desperate and did not know HOW to help these people, how much to give them, how to figure out who was telling the truth, how to please the church I was working for...... God would step in and in mid-conversation these people lost their previous label and instead I saw lonliness, guilt, loss of hope, fear, hurt, grief, and desperation. Because I am judgmental and selfish I know this ability and new way of seeing did not come from me.
The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.
I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.
Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.
I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?
The connection I am making with that experience as benevolence coordinator and with my life now is that ..... God worked through me in that way when I was desperate and called on him. Perhaps that's why when he came to be with us through his son he spent so much time wiht all of the "labeled" people of society: tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. In their desperation they called on him and it was a pure request of help because when their world spiraled out of control they know only Jesus could fix it..... more importantly, only Jesus could get them through.
I want a quick fix to the hurt I'm experiencing right now but what will that do? Nothing. I want to surrender it all and go through it depending solely on Jesus but it is the harder road and that means giving up my ideals of security in my life I had hoped for; however, if I do not take this road.....than all my words and ministry seem to be in vain. Loving all people and being a part of a church that ministers to the poor and marginalized can't just be "mallory's thing." Just liek in the lives of Shane Claiborne and Mary Nelson -- they did not begin helping and living out agape love to become GREAT. They died to self and through their lives God touched others and now is using their story to wake us up. This can't just be a trend or fade of our generation, tt has to be a lifestyle change of mentality and heart and change in which we view all people because we are followers of Christ.
Selfishly, I want this to be a big production, a time when God smiles down on me like He did with Solomon when he asked him what he desired as he assumed the reign of the kingdom. In reality, if I am a follower of Christ all I can do is take the next step......trusting that Jesus will guide me and provide along the way.
I am thankful for desperation and fear when I have all my needs met and fears relieved by things around me.... because where is their the room to cry out for God's hand and control in my life?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
loneliness
Loneliness
It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.
I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:
“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”
Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.
All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.
Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.
I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.
Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.
I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.
As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.
I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.
Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.
I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.
I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.
prayer for worship:
Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.
It is one of the worst feelings to experience. Whether you have experienced it in the midst of lots of people, realizing perhaps that none of them truly know you or your hurt, or if you are literally spending time by yourself day after day, loneliness is not a fun experience.
I read this today from a devotional I get from Church of the Savior called Inward/Outward:
“One of the sayings of a desert father goes like this “In Scetis, a brother went to see Abba Moses and begged him for a word. And the old man said: ‘Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.’”
Sitting in one’s cell is like resting in one’s grave. It can feel like death. It is learning to do nothing and, indeed, to be nothing: to be, like Abraham, one who is as good as dead. It was then, remember, that God called him out of his deadness to make him into a great people. The desert truly stretches, breaks unto death, and remakes the soul. It challenges us with one basic command: “Go and sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything.” Alan Jones, Soul Making: The Desert Way of Spirituality.
All of my life I have been praised. Through church events, academia, extra-curricular activities, I may not have ever been the “best” but I received praised. Even as I pushed the boundaries growing up with my own rebellious twist to the behavior that was to be modeled of what people wanted to see and here, I managed to charm enough to receive praise. Praise has come from teachers, professors, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses; you name it and I have been blessed to have affirmations and encouragement given to me through the years. So much so that I have been ignorant enough for most of my life to assume that all people grow up and live life receiving this encouragement.
Even as a female Baptist I have immersed myself in an seminary that praises me for stepping in the pulpit and taking on leadership roles in ministry. This has been my reality but will not always be, in fact will not be. I trust God will provide people and put others in my path when I am in despair and even when I am not when I call His name to assure me I am following His way; however, I have realized that in my effort to maintain security and control my life I have sought after this more than I have God.
I find myself in a ministry environment currently allowing me to exercise my ability in ministry while learning and being mentored. My mentors most definitely speak truth and wisdom into my life but the congregation does not quite understand my role. My role and ministry is to help build a foundation towards this congregation understanding their role in the community. Only here 4 months, I am assisting in this process of foundation-building by: educating different facets of the congregation about systemic issues of poverty, how our mentality and values around “worthy” and “unworthy” have been shaped by ancient societal thoughts as well as experiences from our own generations, preparing an educational handbook that can be used by congregants to learn about how to impact their community, including a specific section dedicated to the resources, needs and strengths of their own community and much more.
Because this role requires mostly observing, occasional teaching and writing, I am not in a position that models that of an intern they or most congregations even, have had in the past. For example, I am not working directly with the youth group, investing in them and getting to know their parents. This is new, different and suspicious but I pray this will help the congregation realize the difference between the mentality and heart of some of us (churche members) today compared to those of the early church following Christ. I struggle daily, however, with why they would listen to me, a 24 year old. In addition, as a heavily American-influenced congregant myself, I feel that there must be a final product, end result to prove to them that their money, efforts and time were worth it, rather than just trusting that God is working through me and will finish this to its completion.
I sit in a room by myself most evenings writing, researching, listening to tape recordings of interviews attempting to piece together how this will help or impact the congregation and I wonder why I am even here. I preach that we must be “faithful” not “successful,” that we must be okay with the “process” of change and that it is more about heart and mentality then beginning more programs; yet, daily I’m frustrated with what seems to be a lack of interest in me – and not even a lack of interest when congregants are so kind and gracious it is just that I desire them to fawn over me and invite to their homes constantly. It is so difficult NOT to make this about me when that is how all of my church, ministry opportunities have been. I have realized in the last couple of months that somehow in every experience of ministry thus far I missed the “self-less” aspect. I thought I was being selfless in some cases but in actuality it was always reinforced with another reward.
As I taught today about Jesus’ life and concept of “agape” love I realized that I preach this and have experienced it through others towards me but somehow there is a complete disconnect between what I’m desiring congregations wake up and realize and what I am truly living out.
I’m sitting here tonight in my one-bedroom/one-bath cell attached to a lovely home in which I am hosted by one of the most compassionate and interesting older women I have met in my life and I am realizing that I have missed it. My first inclination is to be drastic “well if I go sell all of my clothes tomorrow or spend the next two weeks ONLY serving maybe then I’ll get it and be transformed!” Again, that is my American way creeping in on me…telling me to take control, work harder and you’ll be better as well as see your instant results!! It can’t be like that though. This cell experience in this house and in this community where I am literally living here to finish my degree but in actuality servingthis congregation, never seeing while I’m here at least, the fruits of this foundation-building because that is not the nature of this internship……. Should be the experience that allows me to finally give myself up. I am not in control of a relationship that fell apart in my life, I am not in control of the lives of my friends I do not get to see and I am not in control of what God is doing through this congregation and how He is letting me be a part of it.
Not only am I not in control but I have to die to it. I fear that if I truly give up…truly died to self then I will see more like Jesus sees, therefore needing to give more of my time and having to sacrifice what I want for Him. I fear that my calling will override the ideals I had set out for my life, for example, a companion to share this all with and ministry and career in which people know who I am so that I can leave my mark and legacy as well as feel self-worth.
I’m realizing the ministry God has called me to; one that I cannot see myself ever NOT being a part of, is at a much greater cost than I expected. It may not send me to eat bugs in a remote 3rd world country but it may actually cause me to live a life of love, selflessness and sacrifice in the United states, among friends, among a culture so different than that. Because of this Agape love from Jesus through me, I will see the unworthy (like myself) deemed worthy, the unvalued, valued, and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated. This is not the ministry I was prepared to do at a young age….this is not the glorious praise young pastors seem to receive in some denominations….I’m realizing that to truly decide to be a follower of Christ is going to look much different.
I am thankful for this cell experience and lonliness as much as it hurts.
prayer for worship:
Lord I come before you this morning broken but the hope I have is that I am not alone. All over this room are people, family members of ______Baptist, who are hurting, questioning, feeling angry, tiredly guilty and weak but we showed up this morning to honor you. We showed up this morning because we are desperate for you to show up also. Yesterday morning as I thought about the selfless, Agape you showed through your son when you came to be with us, I realized that although I believe in this I do not necessarily live it daily, if at all. I don’t understand how to always see “all” people the way you see them, not judging but loving without expecting a return. I lay this on the alter and ask of you to pick up the broken pieces of me and those in this room because we surrender ourselves to you the savior who deems the unworthy worthy, helped the unvalued feel valued and the discarded and forgotten reclaimed and celebrated in your kingdom then, today and forever. We trust you to help us in our unbelief and fill us up with hope to share as we enter worship this morning oh God our rock and redeemer, amen.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Let us NOT be sheepish....
Hello ______Church! As you know I am the social work intern with you all this semester. Most of my time here will be spent visiting agencies and congregations, hearing their stories of how they minister to their communities and how they work together to meet needs in the community. As I gather this information I intend to share it with you all either in situations much like this or in written form, repeating some things you may already know but hopefully refreshing you with stories of what God is doing in your community! I want to briefly share with you about my experiences the last couple of days.
Monday, I decided to attend the community celebration in honor of Martin Luther King at the held for the last 20 years. I decided to attend this because well I had the time to attend but I wanted to honor the legacy that Martin Luther King, a devout Christ follower left for us, his brothers & sisters in Christ. I desired to get to know more people from the community and thought this would be a great opportunity to do so as well. Expecting a quick, formal service where I could slip in the back and leave without being noticed too much I was surprised when an older African-American woman asked me to walk in with her, helping me to find a seat. What a comforting expression of the body of Christ! As she walked with me it was as if her hand reaching for mine, guiding me in the building with her kind eyes were saying “come in child, you belong.” The service included figures from all facets of the community: the mayor, president of the University, many local African-American pastors, a university gospel choir, children’s groups and citizens filling the venue until there was only standing room left. At one point in the service the speaker, when discussing the ills of society all around us in which we (all people) point our fingers naming what is wrong but rarely doing much fix it, said,
“we should be like the good Samaritan, not thinking about what others think of us if we choose to help but rather considering what will happen if we DO NOT help.”
Wow.
With that theme in my mind I continued my journey of meeting with various people in the community by going to visit the Hospitality House on 10th street and letting the ____ share with me stories of how they have given hugs, wiped tears, prayed with inmates’ families, victim’s families, inmates themselves and shown through their smiles and patience, the love of Christ no matter how difficult and irritating some people might be. Hospitality after all is not just a gift, it is a discipline I think! It hit me as their eyes lit up talking about the way God has shown up and how through their daily ministry --How difficult, how exhausted, how misunderstood, how countercultural they must be and they are!!! …..wow….they are really doing it! They experience the Gospel in REAL terms….it’s where “the rubber meets the road” some might say!
In the gospels Jesus is identified by his public ministry to the marginalized and all those in need! In Luke 4 he quotes the prophet Isaiah,
18"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, 19TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."
Are we all not to mirror His image?
Then finally yesterday as I returned from Hospitality House, I came into the church office to see Our pastor was visiting with ___, pastor of Iglesia ____ as you know. I accompanied them to view the changes that have taken place at Iglesia ____ and to hear ___ explain how God has worked through their church. Again, I stood in awe as one of God’s ordinary radicals….just a man with a heart for people and for a God that no doubt drives his every move, is not only working in the lives of those attending his church but is concerned about the community! As he shared with us his ideas, his passion seemed to tangibly touch and affect me! He shared at one point how families in his church have started to adopt other families to mentor and guide and as we commented on what a great idea that was he asked the pastor and I, “Who gives birth to sheep?” I could not quite understand him the first time and with his bright eyes and wide smile he asked “WHO GIVES BIRTH TO SHEEP? Not shepherds….. Sheep.” Interesting….
I realized through personal experience in the last two days what scriptures attempt to teach us and how we, in our American, fast-pace, selfishly-driven, independent culture so often distort in our churches because we are so far from perfect.
Those that we fear (several pictures should come to your mind as we all come from different experiences), those issues we don’t understand, injustices we see, oppression of people temporarily, people in need…. Whether for a moment or long-term…… they ARE OUR responsibility. No questions. Because we are followers of Christ.
We all have responsibility to our brothers and sisters in need whether we be retired, mothers, fathers, grandparents, youth, children…. We all play a role.
What that role looks like may be different for all of us; for example, for some of us it may be to educate our kids about injustices and how to “love their neighbor”, to be intentional about educating ourselves and continually be aware of happenenings in the world and in our local community, writing to our congress men and women on behalf of issues we feel are unjust, supporting agencies and those from our congregations that have sought to minister and fight these injustices vocationally like _____ (local church member), volunteering, mentoring…… participating in IMPACT ____ and caring about people living in poor housing conditions all over the city, teaching ESL at Iglesia ____, giving the ____a rest one weekend—checking inmates’ families’ in when they arrive, training Sunday school teachers at Iglesia _____….. the needs are there..and they will ALWAYS be there..
We have to continually ask ourselves, Will we be more concerned with success of those we minister to OR with the faithfulness of the service to our brother and sisters?
AND.....remember you are NEVER alone.
“Sheep produce sheep” as Pastor ___ said. The body of Christ all around you right now supports you and sends you out…with prayer, with hugs, with shoulders to cry on, with listening ears, with notes of encouragement, with pizza and sodas Tuesday nights at men’s fraternity, with a relaxing golf game…….
The needs are all around, the support is all around! God is at work --- let’s join Him!!
Monday, I decided to attend the community celebration in honor of Martin Luther King at the held for the last 20 years. I decided to attend this because well I had the time to attend but I wanted to honor the legacy that Martin Luther King, a devout Christ follower left for us, his brothers & sisters in Christ. I desired to get to know more people from the community and thought this would be a great opportunity to do so as well. Expecting a quick, formal service where I could slip in the back and leave without being noticed too much I was surprised when an older African-American woman asked me to walk in with her, helping me to find a seat. What a comforting expression of the body of Christ! As she walked with me it was as if her hand reaching for mine, guiding me in the building with her kind eyes were saying “come in child, you belong.” The service included figures from all facets of the community: the mayor, president of the University, many local African-American pastors, a university gospel choir, children’s groups and citizens filling the venue until there was only standing room left. At one point in the service the speaker, when discussing the ills of society all around us in which we (all people) point our fingers naming what is wrong but rarely doing much fix it, said,
“we should be like the good Samaritan, not thinking about what others think of us if we choose to help but rather considering what will happen if we DO NOT help.”
Wow.
With that theme in my mind I continued my journey of meeting with various people in the community by going to visit the Hospitality House on 10th street and letting the ____ share with me stories of how they have given hugs, wiped tears, prayed with inmates’ families, victim’s families, inmates themselves and shown through their smiles and patience, the love of Christ no matter how difficult and irritating some people might be. Hospitality after all is not just a gift, it is a discipline I think! It hit me as their eyes lit up talking about the way God has shown up and how through their daily ministry --How difficult, how exhausted, how misunderstood, how countercultural they must be and they are!!! …..wow….they are really doing it! They experience the Gospel in REAL terms….it’s where “the rubber meets the road” some might say!
In the gospels Jesus is identified by his public ministry to the marginalized and all those in need! In Luke 4 he quotes the prophet Isaiah,
18"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, 19TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."
Are we all not to mirror His image?
Then finally yesterday as I returned from Hospitality House, I came into the church office to see Our pastor was visiting with ___, pastor of Iglesia ____ as you know. I accompanied them to view the changes that have taken place at Iglesia ____ and to hear ___ explain how God has worked through their church. Again, I stood in awe as one of God’s ordinary radicals….just a man with a heart for people and for a God that no doubt drives his every move, is not only working in the lives of those attending his church but is concerned about the community! As he shared with us his ideas, his passion seemed to tangibly touch and affect me! He shared at one point how families in his church have started to adopt other families to mentor and guide and as we commented on what a great idea that was he asked the pastor and I, “Who gives birth to sheep?” I could not quite understand him the first time and with his bright eyes and wide smile he asked “WHO GIVES BIRTH TO SHEEP? Not shepherds….. Sheep.” Interesting….
I realized through personal experience in the last two days what scriptures attempt to teach us and how we, in our American, fast-pace, selfishly-driven, independent culture so often distort in our churches because we are so far from perfect.
Those that we fear (several pictures should come to your mind as we all come from different experiences), those issues we don’t understand, injustices we see, oppression of people temporarily, people in need…. Whether for a moment or long-term…… they ARE OUR responsibility. No questions. Because we are followers of Christ.
We all have responsibility to our brothers and sisters in need whether we be retired, mothers, fathers, grandparents, youth, children…. We all play a role.
What that role looks like may be different for all of us; for example, for some of us it may be to educate our kids about injustices and how to “love their neighbor”, to be intentional about educating ourselves and continually be aware of happenenings in the world and in our local community, writing to our congress men and women on behalf of issues we feel are unjust, supporting agencies and those from our congregations that have sought to minister and fight these injustices vocationally like _____ (local church member), volunteering, mentoring…… participating in IMPACT ____ and caring about people living in poor housing conditions all over the city, teaching ESL at Iglesia ____, giving the ____a rest one weekend—checking inmates’ families’ in when they arrive, training Sunday school teachers at Iglesia _____….. the needs are there..and they will ALWAYS be there..
We have to continually ask ourselves, Will we be more concerned with success of those we minister to OR with the faithfulness of the service to our brother and sisters?
AND.....remember you are NEVER alone.
“Sheep produce sheep” as Pastor ___ said. The body of Christ all around you right now supports you and sends you out…with prayer, with hugs, with shoulders to cry on, with listening ears, with notes of encouragement, with pizza and sodas Tuesday nights at men’s fraternity, with a relaxing golf game…….
The needs are all around, the support is all around! God is at work --- let’s join Him!!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
it's what the Lord has done in me
Let the Weak say I am strong
Let the Poor say I am Rich
Let the Blind say I can See
It's what the Lord has done in Me
Hosannah, Hosannah to the Lamb that was slain
Hosannah, Hosannah Jesus died and rose again
At Calvary we sing this quite often. I knew the first time I sang this song corporately, something began to click. We were all confessing and crying out to God -- giving Him credit for this, for what He has done. I download this song and have been listening to is quite a bit over the last couple of months (sorry roomates) because I tend to be extreme in volume levels -- either barely on or full out concert in my room.
I've been thinking about the words of this song and realizing that I am attracted to this song because it is the exact verbal expression and tune of what is in my heart most days. A few days a week I get to reside in an office at a church in Waco in which I meet with people from the community that are in need of assistance. These neighbors of ours come in all shapes and sizes, all types of needs. Some are drunk, some are hungry, some are mentally unstable, some are single mothers, some are homeless, some are working parents, some are disabled....... but each one has their own unique story of how and why they are in need and if given the time they are all willing to share.
I get paid to basically so listen to these amazing stories of humanity, surivival, desperation and love. When the timing is right there is something that typically happens within the conversation. Rather than giving me their story to get assistance -- as the story unfolds we find a greater need at the root. A Need for love, need for affirmation that they are doing the best they can, a need to know they are good people, a need to know that Hope still exists somewhere.
I leave most days from hearing these stories thinking about how I could have done more. I think about how I can get all of these stories out to God's people ---- but even if I did, would we act? When it gets too hard I like the fact that I can escape to TV and friends knowing that at the same time a friend of mine who shared her story, will that very night be warming water on the stove to use to bath her two kids because they cannot pay their gas bills, she will be braiding hair and collecting cans by night in order to help make ends meet because they are only living off her disability check, she will help her children with homework while at the same time working on GED homework using only one light in the house, she will fix a meal creatively with an electric skills, crock pot and toaster oven again because they do not have gas, and the list goes on.....
If you asked this woman how she kept going. How it was that she didn't just turn to drugs to escape it all, she will first not be able to answer because she will only see the bad things she HAS done and want you to know that..... and then she will say, "It's what the Lord has done in me."
All of these stories of true in my head of great people of faith right on our streets, in our public housing, in our neighborhoods of Waco. Nope, they don't look like cleaned up, educated missionaries that we grew up knowing and hearing about. Some of them have crack addictions..... but honestly, how much ugliness in our lives that WE can clean up? They don't have that luxury. They don't have an education to get them a job to hide behind, they don't have the ability to depend on family when time gets tough or to bail them out of a situation.... they have... GOD.
What would it be like to experience such desperation that your faith would be SO great because you ONLY had God to depend on?
And all the while..... we as Christians pass them on the road and pity them. Sometimes we just try to FIX them.. missing the greater point. The kingdom is here. All around us --- don't FIX mallory, just be FAITHFUL. So simple and yet complicated.
Let the Poor say I am Rich
Let the Blind say I can See
It's what the Lord has done in Me
Hosannah, Hosannah to the Lamb that was slain
Hosannah, Hosannah Jesus died and rose again
At Calvary we sing this quite often. I knew the first time I sang this song corporately, something began to click. We were all confessing and crying out to God -- giving Him credit for this, for what He has done. I download this song and have been listening to is quite a bit over the last couple of months (sorry roomates) because I tend to be extreme in volume levels -- either barely on or full out concert in my room.
I've been thinking about the words of this song and realizing that I am attracted to this song because it is the exact verbal expression and tune of what is in my heart most days. A few days a week I get to reside in an office at a church in Waco in which I meet with people from the community that are in need of assistance. These neighbors of ours come in all shapes and sizes, all types of needs. Some are drunk, some are hungry, some are mentally unstable, some are single mothers, some are homeless, some are working parents, some are disabled....... but each one has their own unique story of how and why they are in need and if given the time they are all willing to share.
I get paid to basically so listen to these amazing stories of humanity, surivival, desperation and love. When the timing is right there is something that typically happens within the conversation. Rather than giving me their story to get assistance -- as the story unfolds we find a greater need at the root. A Need for love, need for affirmation that they are doing the best they can, a need to know they are good people, a need to know that Hope still exists somewhere.
I leave most days from hearing these stories thinking about how I could have done more. I think about how I can get all of these stories out to God's people ---- but even if I did, would we act? When it gets too hard I like the fact that I can escape to TV and friends knowing that at the same time a friend of mine who shared her story, will that very night be warming water on the stove to use to bath her two kids because they cannot pay their gas bills, she will be braiding hair and collecting cans by night in order to help make ends meet because they are only living off her disability check, she will help her children with homework while at the same time working on GED homework using only one light in the house, she will fix a meal creatively with an electric skills, crock pot and toaster oven again because they do not have gas, and the list goes on.....
If you asked this woman how she kept going. How it was that she didn't just turn to drugs to escape it all, she will first not be able to answer because she will only see the bad things she HAS done and want you to know that..... and then she will say, "It's what the Lord has done in me."
All of these stories of true in my head of great people of faith right on our streets, in our public housing, in our neighborhoods of Waco. Nope, they don't look like cleaned up, educated missionaries that we grew up knowing and hearing about. Some of them have crack addictions..... but honestly, how much ugliness in our lives that WE can clean up? They don't have that luxury. They don't have an education to get them a job to hide behind, they don't have the ability to depend on family when time gets tough or to bail them out of a situation.... they have... GOD.
What would it be like to experience such desperation that your faith would be SO great because you ONLY had God to depend on?
And all the while..... we as Christians pass them on the road and pity them. Sometimes we just try to FIX them.. missing the greater point. The kingdom is here. All around us --- don't FIX mallory, just be FAITHFUL. So simple and yet complicated.
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