Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My recent statement of faith and other ramblings....
(need to edit more...I know)
The Jesus of Luke plays a very special role in my life.
Since high school I have felt conflicted about Jesus’ life and words and yet the way we live as Christians and how our churches function, excluding some people intentionally or unintentionally, overlooking some scripture and only teaching what we want to hear and follow. I saw individual lives of church members sometimes line up more with Jesus’ teachings but we a corporate body I did not experience or see missions lived out. Certain individuals were deemed “called” to mission and THEY were the ones that lived it out. The rest of us were off the hook. I have always felt strongly about marginalized people being mistreated and have felt marginalized myself at times.
When I started to stand up or begin to ask questions as I went through college I was thrown into categories “educated,” “liberal,” “social worker.” In all actuality, I felt that I was just a Christian.
Fast forward to my experience as a benevolence coordinator… I’m meeting with people and charged with the responsibility of decided who is worthy and not worthy to receive assistance. Thinking it would be easy to justify and decide I soon became overwhelmed with how ill-prepared I was to understand the lives of those living in poverty. Every situation was more complex than “laziness” or “drugs.” Each individual coming into see me had a significant story, that sometimes involved bad choices but when putting myself int hat person’s shoes I might have made the same bad choice considering the lack of options present for them. A single mom had to choose whether to keep her job (barely paying her minimum wage) and be cut off of food stamps or quit her job and stay on welfare (TANF) in order to feed her kids until they would be old enough to take care of themselves. She had no family to take care of her kids while at work so she had to pay for a babysitter and so the money she would use for food was going to that expense. I heard story after story of surviving on the streets, making money, escaping to drugs to escape the loneliness, pain or to help them deal with their schizophrenia when they did not have transportation to get to their appointment in order to get a prescription.
I had no power to solve all of the issues at hand for each person. The best I could do was to help them navigate the system of help offered in Waco through churches and nonprofits and occasionally help with groceries or gas assistance…and then we would pray. I cannot tell you the power that comes when you pray with someone who is desperate. There is a supernatural power that occurs when you are on level with your brother or sister need, holding their hands in yours and calling on a God that you believe is bigger than any illness, injustice or cause of suffering. Often times I would not have been in conversation with God much at all that week and in that moment I believed because my brother or sister believed. I saw peace come over people that I cannot explain and I experienced it myself. I received phone calls occasionally from people letting me know what worked out and how God took care of them. Sometimes, I would pray something specific for someone, a free washing machine, gas money, food (not telling any agency or church about this need)…..and the next day would get a call from an agency or church asking if I knew of anyone needing that item.
This happened on numerous occasions. In the midst of these experiences I wondered if I really was a “liberal.” People I highly respected believed that certain churches should only be for certain people and yet I was being the church for people that were not accepted and I was experiencing power. The Jesus of Luke CHOSE to spend time with the people that were marginalized (poor, Samaritan, women, tax-collectors, prostitutes) and indicated that these were the people that truly “got it.”
This is not a liberal interpretation…. When understanding the context of this scripture this is the message of Jesus, plain and simple.
Sitting in Missions class today talking about the mission of Jesus in Luke-Acts my mind was flooded with “the poor” I came to know while serving as benevolence coordinator, except they were not “the poor” to me. They were Linda, Jerry, Joe, Sandy…..and so on and so on. Each person had a story and a face that will be etched in my mind forever. I realized that before even fully comprehending Luke God was teaching me about his kingdom and message as I realized how much more these friends were ministering to ME than I to them. How in their desperateness they could NOT control their lives as I tried to do my own but fully depending on God. They were not afraid to talk about the Holy spirit and did not have time to care about an image or whether or not they were being too liberal. They life was one of survival, day to day and yet for those that truly depended on God…they were more at peace and joyful than I could have claimed to be at the point in my life.
During my internship this past Spring I studied Luke more and stumbled upon a constant theme throughout the gospel “those whom have been forgiven much, love much.” I did not truly understand this until I made choices in my life I was not proud of and needed forgiveness to the enth degree. I found myself in the spring realizing that I was in control of NOTHING in my life for the first time. I did not know who I was, whether I was worthy, what I was doing at Truett/School of Social work, why I was serving this church in Huntsville…. For the first time in my life I had no answers. Over a period of months I soon realized that not only had I experienced forgiveness but in the realizing of losing control and finally calling on God and giving it to him…He found me and gave me peace.
I get it now. Forgiveness has to be a huge factor in driving our mission and calling in life as Christians, whatever that calling is. Until the Spring I believe I had talked a lot about forgiveness but I don’t think I had ever fully experienced it. I believed God forgave me for my sins and loved me….or I said I did…. But somewhere in the back of my mind there lingered the thought that I was not really worthy.
Although I am thankful and thrilled to realize this and be at Seminary studying and reflecting on the character of God, his work among us and throughout history I am fearful for the future. I grieve for churches that do not understand the teachings of Jesus and I grieve for those of us that will be among these people, our friends, family because it will not be easy. It hit me today in class that Jesus’ teachings were not popular and not listening to them was easy. It is not the norm to go out of our way for someone and to let the mess of their lives infiltrate our own. This agape love is what Jesus called the early church to do and what He’s calling us to do today.
If I am on staff at a church or even laity leadership and someone with authority says that this church is only for certain kinds of people, singling out a specific person desiring to attend and worship with our faith family I will HAVE to speak up. True, you might say that “speaking up may cause dissention among the greater body…why would I want to disrupt the flow of the larger body when making a decision about this issue will just affect that ONE person that won’t be aloud to attend?”
My answer will be, “Because…Jesus said to.” Luke 4 clearly expresses that Jesus came to preach the gospel to the poor, proclaim release to the captives, recover the sight of the blind, set the oppressed free and proclaim the favorable year of the Lord. He modeled this for us through his lifestyle while on Earth and to be followers of Christ we then are do what? …..the same.
This is going to cost me, my family, maybe even my job someday….. but when faced with situations in my daily life or greater ones such as the example mentioned above I HAVE to be ready to answer on behalf of the Jesus I proclaim to follow….
It is amazing to realize that after years of professing to be a Christian only the last 9 months of my life have I come to believe and accept that:
I am forgiven
I am worthy
My passion and calling is valid
Jesus’ words are true
I will suffer
Because of this personal experience I truly believe that salvation is a process. Many of these things about myself God has not told me in a dream or through his audible voice but through my interaction with friends, life group and family, all of which I consider my community.
The realization of this progression the last few months hit me in class and brought me to my knees, in a dark room on the third floor of Truett where I currently sitting and writing this.
I get why I am at Seminary now, I get the huge responsibility we have as Christians with seminary education to share with others what we’re learning, if we do not….. what will the church become?
I have never cared to “evangelize” because I am not comfortable with tracks, evangecubes, or anything like that. I now have a desire to share my story with people, not wanting to secure that all of the people in my life will go to heaven….. but I want people that cross my path to experience the kind of forgiveness I have…. I want people to live life in freedom not burdened…..and I want people to know what it is to have HOPE.
Hope comes through Christ working through us as we love and serve one another through this crazy world. That is kingdom living and thinking…and it will cost us but I am ready.
The Jesus of Luke plays a very special role in my life.
Since high school I have felt conflicted about Jesus’ life and words and yet the way we live as Christians and how our churches function, excluding some people intentionally or unintentionally, overlooking some scripture and only teaching what we want to hear and follow. I saw individual lives of church members sometimes line up more with Jesus’ teachings but we a corporate body I did not experience or see missions lived out. Certain individuals were deemed “called” to mission and THEY were the ones that lived it out. The rest of us were off the hook. I have always felt strongly about marginalized people being mistreated and have felt marginalized myself at times.
When I started to stand up or begin to ask questions as I went through college I was thrown into categories “educated,” “liberal,” “social worker.” In all actuality, I felt that I was just a Christian.
Fast forward to my experience as a benevolence coordinator… I’m meeting with people and charged with the responsibility of decided who is worthy and not worthy to receive assistance. Thinking it would be easy to justify and decide I soon became overwhelmed with how ill-prepared I was to understand the lives of those living in poverty. Every situation was more complex than “laziness” or “drugs.” Each individual coming into see me had a significant story, that sometimes involved bad choices but when putting myself int hat person’s shoes I might have made the same bad choice considering the lack of options present for them. A single mom had to choose whether to keep her job (barely paying her minimum wage) and be cut off of food stamps or quit her job and stay on welfare (TANF) in order to feed her kids until they would be old enough to take care of themselves. She had no family to take care of her kids while at work so she had to pay for a babysitter and so the money she would use for food was going to that expense. I heard story after story of surviving on the streets, making money, escaping to drugs to escape the loneliness, pain or to help them deal with their schizophrenia when they did not have transportation to get to their appointment in order to get a prescription.
I had no power to solve all of the issues at hand for each person. The best I could do was to help them navigate the system of help offered in Waco through churches and nonprofits and occasionally help with groceries or gas assistance…and then we would pray. I cannot tell you the power that comes when you pray with someone who is desperate. There is a supernatural power that occurs when you are on level with your brother or sister need, holding their hands in yours and calling on a God that you believe is bigger than any illness, injustice or cause of suffering. Often times I would not have been in conversation with God much at all that week and in that moment I believed because my brother or sister believed. I saw peace come over people that I cannot explain and I experienced it myself. I received phone calls occasionally from people letting me know what worked out and how God took care of them. Sometimes, I would pray something specific for someone, a free washing machine, gas money, food (not telling any agency or church about this need)…..and the next day would get a call from an agency or church asking if I knew of anyone needing that item.
This happened on numerous occasions. In the midst of these experiences I wondered if I really was a “liberal.” People I highly respected believed that certain churches should only be for certain people and yet I was being the church for people that were not accepted and I was experiencing power. The Jesus of Luke CHOSE to spend time with the people that were marginalized (poor, Samaritan, women, tax-collectors, prostitutes) and indicated that these were the people that truly “got it.”
This is not a liberal interpretation…. When understanding the context of this scripture this is the message of Jesus, plain and simple.
Sitting in Missions class today talking about the mission of Jesus in Luke-Acts my mind was flooded with “the poor” I came to know while serving as benevolence coordinator, except they were not “the poor” to me. They were Linda, Jerry, Joe, Sandy…..and so on and so on. Each person had a story and a face that will be etched in my mind forever. I realized that before even fully comprehending Luke God was teaching me about his kingdom and message as I realized how much more these friends were ministering to ME than I to them. How in their desperateness they could NOT control their lives as I tried to do my own but fully depending on God. They were not afraid to talk about the Holy spirit and did not have time to care about an image or whether or not they were being too liberal. They life was one of survival, day to day and yet for those that truly depended on God…they were more at peace and joyful than I could have claimed to be at the point in my life.
During my internship this past Spring I studied Luke more and stumbled upon a constant theme throughout the gospel “those whom have been forgiven much, love much.” I did not truly understand this until I made choices in my life I was not proud of and needed forgiveness to the enth degree. I found myself in the spring realizing that I was in control of NOTHING in my life for the first time. I did not know who I was, whether I was worthy, what I was doing at Truett/School of Social work, why I was serving this church in Huntsville…. For the first time in my life I had no answers. Over a period of months I soon realized that not only had I experienced forgiveness but in the realizing of losing control and finally calling on God and giving it to him…He found me and gave me peace.
I get it now. Forgiveness has to be a huge factor in driving our mission and calling in life as Christians, whatever that calling is. Until the Spring I believe I had talked a lot about forgiveness but I don’t think I had ever fully experienced it. I believed God forgave me for my sins and loved me….or I said I did…. But somewhere in the back of my mind there lingered the thought that I was not really worthy.
Although I am thankful and thrilled to realize this and be at Seminary studying and reflecting on the character of God, his work among us and throughout history I am fearful for the future. I grieve for churches that do not understand the teachings of Jesus and I grieve for those of us that will be among these people, our friends, family because it will not be easy. It hit me today in class that Jesus’ teachings were not popular and not listening to them was easy. It is not the norm to go out of our way for someone and to let the mess of their lives infiltrate our own. This agape love is what Jesus called the early church to do and what He’s calling us to do today.
If I am on staff at a church or even laity leadership and someone with authority says that this church is only for certain kinds of people, singling out a specific person desiring to attend and worship with our faith family I will HAVE to speak up. True, you might say that “speaking up may cause dissention among the greater body…why would I want to disrupt the flow of the larger body when making a decision about this issue will just affect that ONE person that won’t be aloud to attend?”
My answer will be, “Because…Jesus said to.” Luke 4 clearly expresses that Jesus came to preach the gospel to the poor, proclaim release to the captives, recover the sight of the blind, set the oppressed free and proclaim the favorable year of the Lord. He modeled this for us through his lifestyle while on Earth and to be followers of Christ we then are do what? …..the same.
This is going to cost me, my family, maybe even my job someday….. but when faced with situations in my daily life or greater ones such as the example mentioned above I HAVE to be ready to answer on behalf of the Jesus I proclaim to follow….
It is amazing to realize that after years of professing to be a Christian only the last 9 months of my life have I come to believe and accept that:
I am forgiven
I am worthy
My passion and calling is valid
Jesus’ words are true
I will suffer
Because of this personal experience I truly believe that salvation is a process. Many of these things about myself God has not told me in a dream or through his audible voice but through my interaction with friends, life group and family, all of which I consider my community.
The realization of this progression the last few months hit me in class and brought me to my knees, in a dark room on the third floor of Truett where I currently sitting and writing this.
I get why I am at Seminary now, I get the huge responsibility we have as Christians with seminary education to share with others what we’re learning, if we do not….. what will the church become?
I have never cared to “evangelize” because I am not comfortable with tracks, evangecubes, or anything like that. I now have a desire to share my story with people, not wanting to secure that all of the people in my life will go to heaven….. but I want people that cross my path to experience the kind of forgiveness I have…. I want people to live life in freedom not burdened…..and I want people to know what it is to have HOPE.
Hope comes through Christ working through us as we love and serve one another through this crazy world. That is kingdom living and thinking…and it will cost us but I am ready.
Monday, September 1, 2008
of course....
You’re sitting on the curb hearing gunshots down the street
You wonder where your mom is, you just want to eat
You don’t know where your right foot is from you left, of course.
You’ve got your coffee and computer stare
You’re almost the smartest but hardly anyone cares.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You perfect your beauty 24 hrs a day
But you’re still not happy as you wear away
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You made a bad choice and took the easy road,
Now you live on the streets carrying too heavy a load
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You got the t-shirt and your poster in hand
You are yelling on the corner but don’t know where you stand.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well you got your Jesus and your enemies too,
You quote your scripture but you are broken in two.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well I don’t have the answers and I’m not going to try,
But I think we’re all a piece of this big, funky pie.
We don’t know where our right foot is from our left, of course.
Of course.
You wonder where your mom is, you just want to eat
You don’t know where your right foot is from you left, of course.
You’ve got your coffee and computer stare
You’re almost the smartest but hardly anyone cares.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You perfect your beauty 24 hrs a day
But you’re still not happy as you wear away
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You made a bad choice and took the easy road,
Now you live on the streets carrying too heavy a load
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
You got the t-shirt and your poster in hand
You are yelling on the corner but don’t know where you stand.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well you got your Jesus and your enemies too,
You quote your scripture but you are broken in two.
You don’t know where your right foot is from your left, of course.
Well I don’t have the answers and I’m not going to try,
But I think we’re all a piece of this big, funky pie.
We don’t know where our right foot is from our left, of course.
Of course.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory......
I attribute my current outlook in life and ability to view and glimpse hope, to a present and active God working through my social work education. It is my faith coupled with social work values of people of all shapes and sizes, those in the depths of despair and those on top of mountains, that helps me to grasp an understanding of a supernatural power at work, a God that would take our form and dwell among us so that we may understand a new way to live. Without realizing how my heart would be transformed I served as the benevolence coordinator for a large Baptist church while putting myself through my first years of seminary and the graduate social work program. I was able to view persons coming in for assistance with a strengths perspective and identify assets in their environments that provided both that individual and myself hope as we planned to get them through another day. I began to see how identical this was to the way Jesus viewed and lived among people. When Jesus saw people in their most broken state he saw hope for restoration. Learning to let some of the most marginalized in our society teach me the deepest lessons about faith helped me to not give up on my own beliefs.
With this filter I signed up to serve alongside a group on a mission trip to the heart of the Amazon basin this summer. My task was to be one of 30 Americans traveling to various villages by boat offering medical and dental services primarily but also providing entertainment for children and adults, concluding the day with a joint worship service. Although somewhat cynical about our typical American approach to missions I still desired to go and serve as best I could, hoping to learn from the people in return. What I didn’t expect was to encounter such a diverse American team. I had typically gone on mission trips with a bunch of middle to upperclass, church people who seemed to have it all together. This group was comprised of both church-goers and non-church-goers alike, various denominations and ages. One man, Fred (for the purposes of this article) in particular had not been to church in years. He found out he was going on the trip only a couple of weeks prior to leaving. He was hired to paint the trip leader’s house and one afternoon while taking a break from painting sat down at their piano and began to play hymns he recalled from his past. The trip leaders wife walked in and requested he play “It is well with my soul” as that was her recently deceased father’s favorite hymn. Fred played as she clung to pictures of her father and wept. He began to weep as he told me this story and claimed that that was the first time he had been used to minister to someone through music in years. He was a crack addict and had spent the last 10 years of his life losing his job, wife, kids and dignity, losing himself with every sexual act and despicable job he took just for a small amount of drugs to feed his addiction.
For the rest of the trip I visited late at night on the boat with this man and watched him as he threw himself fully into service, leading us by keyboard in worship and making himself available for any task that had to be done. Where the rest of us were quick to put up boundaries of what we were and were not willing to do for fear that we would be taken advantage of or would work harder than another, he did not hold back at all. One night during devotionals as the rest of us reflected on experiences of the day with the mindset that the villagers needed us and what all we had taught them…… Fred shared that perhaps we were there to learn from the villagers. He reflected on how many of the families lived together in the villages, how they ate meals together regularly and how close-nit the community was, neighbor taking care of neighbor. He said, “our friends in these villages don’t seem unhappy or in need at all, perhaps we are here to learn from them, our brothers and sisters.” This blew me away because I knew his story behind that reflection. Once again I was witnessing a moment where the world would tell us to give up on this man but Jesus hadn’t and Jesus was working through him in a powerful way. Throughout the gospel of Luke one can see where Jesus works through individuals and those whom are forgiven seem to know how to love much. I witnessed that, something straight out of the gospel, before my own eyes. Fred was given a second chance; this broken vessel was used by God to minister in powerful ways not only to our brothers and sisters living in poor villages along the Amazon but also to those of us pompous, successful American Christians supposedly on his team. He has experienced forgiveness and did not let anything hold him back from loving others around him that week so that we could seek the sources to experience and receive that forgiveness also.
The last night of our trip during devotional time we concluded with a foot-washing service. I have never participated in this before and when given the opportunity I’ve usually not attended out of fear. I was moved to do something out of the ordinary for myself however this particular evening. As our boat coasted down the moonlit Amazon away from the villages and towards the city of Manaus, the background music of the service stopped as the former addict and now profound musician and instrument of God wept while I washed his feet with water and my tears. The kingdom of God lies in such as these, my eyes glimpsed the glory of what God is daily trying to teach us and I’m so very thankful I listened this time.
With this filter I signed up to serve alongside a group on a mission trip to the heart of the Amazon basin this summer. My task was to be one of 30 Americans traveling to various villages by boat offering medical and dental services primarily but also providing entertainment for children and adults, concluding the day with a joint worship service. Although somewhat cynical about our typical American approach to missions I still desired to go and serve as best I could, hoping to learn from the people in return. What I didn’t expect was to encounter such a diverse American team. I had typically gone on mission trips with a bunch of middle to upperclass, church people who seemed to have it all together. This group was comprised of both church-goers and non-church-goers alike, various denominations and ages. One man, Fred (for the purposes of this article) in particular had not been to church in years. He found out he was going on the trip only a couple of weeks prior to leaving. He was hired to paint the trip leader’s house and one afternoon while taking a break from painting sat down at their piano and began to play hymns he recalled from his past. The trip leaders wife walked in and requested he play “It is well with my soul” as that was her recently deceased father’s favorite hymn. Fred played as she clung to pictures of her father and wept. He began to weep as he told me this story and claimed that that was the first time he had been used to minister to someone through music in years. He was a crack addict and had spent the last 10 years of his life losing his job, wife, kids and dignity, losing himself with every sexual act and despicable job he took just for a small amount of drugs to feed his addiction.
For the rest of the trip I visited late at night on the boat with this man and watched him as he threw himself fully into service, leading us by keyboard in worship and making himself available for any task that had to be done. Where the rest of us were quick to put up boundaries of what we were and were not willing to do for fear that we would be taken advantage of or would work harder than another, he did not hold back at all. One night during devotionals as the rest of us reflected on experiences of the day with the mindset that the villagers needed us and what all we had taught them…… Fred shared that perhaps we were there to learn from the villagers. He reflected on how many of the families lived together in the villages, how they ate meals together regularly and how close-nit the community was, neighbor taking care of neighbor. He said, “our friends in these villages don’t seem unhappy or in need at all, perhaps we are here to learn from them, our brothers and sisters.” This blew me away because I knew his story behind that reflection. Once again I was witnessing a moment where the world would tell us to give up on this man but Jesus hadn’t and Jesus was working through him in a powerful way. Throughout the gospel of Luke one can see where Jesus works through individuals and those whom are forgiven seem to know how to love much. I witnessed that, something straight out of the gospel, before my own eyes. Fred was given a second chance; this broken vessel was used by God to minister in powerful ways not only to our brothers and sisters living in poor villages along the Amazon but also to those of us pompous, successful American Christians supposedly on his team. He has experienced forgiveness and did not let anything hold him back from loving others around him that week so that we could seek the sources to experience and receive that forgiveness also.
The last night of our trip during devotional time we concluded with a foot-washing service. I have never participated in this before and when given the opportunity I’ve usually not attended out of fear. I was moved to do something out of the ordinary for myself however this particular evening. As our boat coasted down the moonlit Amazon away from the villages and towards the city of Manaus, the background music of the service stopped as the former addict and now profound musician and instrument of God wept while I washed his feet with water and my tears. The kingdom of God lies in such as these, my eyes glimpsed the glory of what God is daily trying to teach us and I’m so very thankful I listened this time.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Beautiful.
I spent time and got to know the tangible definition of beauty and peace today. I helped her into my car, sat by her in church, held her hand during the moving worship service, ate lunch with her and grocery shopped with her. Two years ago I would have not seen the beauty in her. Two years ago I would have tried to find a purpose for her and would have spent time with her out of guilt. I would have unknowingly felt superior to her and most likely become frustrated with the time it takes to move from vehicle to walker and from conversation to conversation.
The human condition of needing love and acceptance is interesting. Although my life functioned well without this beauty, I somehow now need her. Is it because she tells me I am the daughter God always brings into her life each city she lives because she never had children? Is it because of the unusual spirit that oozes out of her when in her presence? Is it because I need someone to listen or an affirmation that I'm doing a good deed? I don’t know but I somehow need her and she needs me.
This beauty is a 58 yr old African-American woman who happens to live with cerebral palsy. We met serving together at church and just clicked. Within the 6 hrs we spent time together today, I was moved and brought to tears by her wisdom and passion for life. Again, two years ago I would have been moved because I would not expect a woman with her disability to be living as vibrantly as she. Today I was moved by HER and everything that she stands for, lives for and encompasses. Cheezy as it may sound, it is as if I spent time with Jesus.
When I am with her life HAS to move slow. People stare constantly and yet when she looks up and smiles at them they somehow seem to change. The only thing different about her that I see is that she has hope…..really…..she never doubts it. She interacts with Jesus in daily conversation. When I’m with her she shares with me about how Jesus made her smile this morning with what he told her. When I’m with her I’m completely present because of all that she needs from me. When I’m with her I’m a servant.
Lessons learned in her presence today:
Today in our conversation alone she reminded me that when we feel the need to control things in our life it is only because we fear something. This floored me and I realized how this was true in so many areas of my life.
When sharing about her love life she said that to get a man you have to remind them of how great they are and let them take care of you. Through social work, seeing so many women’s lives shattered from abusive men I was immediately on the defensive --- “but what if they still screw you over?” I asked the beauty, to which she replied, “then you stop trying to control and trust God with your life.”
She said women that find themselves in positions such as that often don’t love themselves already. “How can you expect a man, or anyone for that matter to see beauty in your body and who you are if YOU don’t see it yourself??” This hit me pretty hard. She said, “at the age of 58, I am beautiful. I know I am.” Then smiled and continued on her walker past me with a smirk of confidence.
Later, when talking about my hectic lifestyle, including bad eating and sleeping habits she asked me about a personal, previous health concern I had told her about. She asked me why I had not gone to the doctor but I told her I was just too busy to schedule an appointment and take the time to figure it out. “There haven’t been any major problems, it will work out,” I said, to which she replied, “I remember when I thought I was invincible once too… ha.”
She told me that a long time ago she made a commitment to God to be thankful to Him for everything. She said she did not want to get to heaven someday and tell Jesus that she lived in anger towards him because he had made a mistake with her. She wanted him to know that she loves herself and did the best she could to spread His love through her until her final day. That is why she is active in yoga, church life, prayer and eating healthy daily. She said life is too short to take your body for granted.
All day these lessons have consumed me. Most often, after 4 years surrounded by a Bible-belt, college culture where it was cool to say “I’m praying for you” and know the praise songs, when someone says God told them to do something I scoff. When she tells me that she speaks with Jesus regularly…I believe it. There is a sincerity in her eyes and voice…something changes and I find myself desperately wanting to know what He told her.
This relationship seems to be a repeat of my experiences working with persons in need from the community through the benevolence program at FBC last year. The people in society we fear because we do not understand…those we often do not “have the time” to take time and care for… are the mediators between us and Jesus. Or at least they have been the mediators for me. I believe through their belief….and I see why Jesus spent time with certain people….because they were beautiful.
The human condition of needing love and acceptance is interesting. Although my life functioned well without this beauty, I somehow now need her. Is it because she tells me I am the daughter God always brings into her life each city she lives because she never had children? Is it because of the unusual spirit that oozes out of her when in her presence? Is it because I need someone to listen or an affirmation that I'm doing a good deed? I don’t know but I somehow need her and she needs me.
This beauty is a 58 yr old African-American woman who happens to live with cerebral palsy. We met serving together at church and just clicked. Within the 6 hrs we spent time together today, I was moved and brought to tears by her wisdom and passion for life. Again, two years ago I would have been moved because I would not expect a woman with her disability to be living as vibrantly as she. Today I was moved by HER and everything that she stands for, lives for and encompasses. Cheezy as it may sound, it is as if I spent time with Jesus.
When I am with her life HAS to move slow. People stare constantly and yet when she looks up and smiles at them they somehow seem to change. The only thing different about her that I see is that she has hope…..really…..she never doubts it. She interacts with Jesus in daily conversation. When I’m with her she shares with me about how Jesus made her smile this morning with what he told her. When I’m with her I’m completely present because of all that she needs from me. When I’m with her I’m a servant.
Lessons learned in her presence today:
Today in our conversation alone she reminded me that when we feel the need to control things in our life it is only because we fear something. This floored me and I realized how this was true in so many areas of my life.
When sharing about her love life she said that to get a man you have to remind them of how great they are and let them take care of you. Through social work, seeing so many women’s lives shattered from abusive men I was immediately on the defensive --- “but what if they still screw you over?” I asked the beauty, to which she replied, “then you stop trying to control and trust God with your life.”
She said women that find themselves in positions such as that often don’t love themselves already. “How can you expect a man, or anyone for that matter to see beauty in your body and who you are if YOU don’t see it yourself??” This hit me pretty hard. She said, “at the age of 58, I am beautiful. I know I am.” Then smiled and continued on her walker past me with a smirk of confidence.
Later, when talking about my hectic lifestyle, including bad eating and sleeping habits she asked me about a personal, previous health concern I had told her about. She asked me why I had not gone to the doctor but I told her I was just too busy to schedule an appointment and take the time to figure it out. “There haven’t been any major problems, it will work out,” I said, to which she replied, “I remember when I thought I was invincible once too… ha.”
She told me that a long time ago she made a commitment to God to be thankful to Him for everything. She said she did not want to get to heaven someday and tell Jesus that she lived in anger towards him because he had made a mistake with her. She wanted him to know that she loves herself and did the best she could to spread His love through her until her final day. That is why she is active in yoga, church life, prayer and eating healthy daily. She said life is too short to take your body for granted.
All day these lessons have consumed me. Most often, after 4 years surrounded by a Bible-belt, college culture where it was cool to say “I’m praying for you” and know the praise songs, when someone says God told them to do something I scoff. When she tells me that she speaks with Jesus regularly…I believe it. There is a sincerity in her eyes and voice…something changes and I find myself desperately wanting to know what He told her.
This relationship seems to be a repeat of my experiences working with persons in need from the community through the benevolence program at FBC last year. The people in society we fear because we do not understand…those we often do not “have the time” to take time and care for… are the mediators between us and Jesus. Or at least they have been the mediators for me. I believe through their belief….and I see why Jesus spent time with certain people….because they were beautiful.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Enough
This weekend I became fully aware that there is a “me” that I do not like. It tries too hard to make friends, cannot handle missing out and struggles with not being the center of attention. I realized last night that I live as if I am “chosen” and that although I believe that ALL are chosen by God and have opportunity to realize and believe in this grace, I confuse this confidence, freedom and joy so much with an arrogance and superiority given to me by the world. I live sometimes as if my choseness is because of something I do or because I looked a certain way that makes me special.
If I was truly chosen and recognized my fullness in Christ, would I not then be that much more aware of my downward mobility in the world and kingdom I live in – a kingdom in which Jesus is ever present and active. I am ashamed to think there is ANYTHING that I could do or am that makes me set apart. Anything I have “done” is only a glimmer of who I am and hoping to become as I learn to surrender to Jesus these things. It’s a mentality shift, heart change and a work of divine grace as I live each day. I am thankful for God’s love and terribly disturbed at who I’ve become. I believed that because of who I was and what I did for God meant that I deserved from God. Perhaps this mislead belief is why I’ve been so miserable at times and why I’ve had broken relationships, missed out on true joy in situations in life and because I was expecting them to fulfill my every need rather than looking at them as an undeserved, unexpected gift that could teach me.
The best experience I could have gone through was to serve in a small town in TX, in a small church not aware of the power and value of the skills social work could contribute to a church context.. I struggled not being constantly praised. I struggled with not having control of anything and yet I was closet to Jesus than ever. At one point I felt God was asking, “Am I enough for you Mallory?” and I said honestly, “No.” I felt I deserved more. I want to serve God and want others to feel hope that I know – especially after seeing what despair tangibly looks like in other countries, in the US, in our own community, in the eyes of my friends and in myself. I believe there is more to faith than Sunday morning, scripture, deacon’s meeting, not missing Sunday school, VBS, not cussing and not drinking. God is crying out for us to realize this truth and showing the truth to us daily but we don’t say “yes” to him because if we’re honest with ourselves we don’t believe he is enough. We want to serve God and still get what we deserve for it.
I recognize now that while I can still be honest in what I desire – I do not “deserve” those things and if I force or control what I want to occur in my life – I might actually get that but will never understand my fullness in life or the fullness of that gift until I can truly believe an accept that God is enough above all of those things. What does it take for me to realize that God is enough? How do I avoid temptations of what I deserve when the world tells us constantly that we do deserve and there is not point in believing in something that doesn’t deliver??
There’s no one to trust. And there is no right or wrong – even in the midst of the world in which I am studying and being shaped to know God better. One cannot trust the legalistic bible-abiding gossip more than the good-hearted, out-of-control drunkard or anyone in between-- that are all only trying to figure out who they are and what God wants with them. Because of this I can choose to despair even further and be ashamed of my own lack of trustworthiness OR fall in line with the attitude of grace, recognizing that because we are all searching we need a higher power that saves us daily and teaches us through one another about a character of grace and love. I’ve come to understand at the moment I guess that THAT is enough for me. And THAT is actually God. It is only enough for me if it is intentional and so it requires something of me. It requires seeking God in all of these situations of struggle, joy, temptation and disappointment rather than controlling and figuring it out on my own.
God you show yourself in unlikely faces,
And I don’t know why I still believe in you sometimes.
But when the despair becomes too much
You’ve never NOT revealed a truth or path.
What is it about me that you care so much for,
When time and time again I’ve thrown your grace away?
I’ve proven myself a hard heart acting in your name.
I find it hard to claim your work or utter your name even in the presence of friends.
Then there are moments in others’ lives I cannot explain.
Others seem to be rewarded what I felt I deserved.
I find myself 8 steps behind in what I know of you,
Giving up is easy and so I do.
Thinking I have a choice in the matter but
I don’t really when my heart aches so to ignore the issue.
They have it together but they don’t
The aura around them is dark
What I can do? Mine is not much different.
YOU do it! YOU bring your miracles and prove your
Power – why are you waiting for us? It’s too late.
Our buildings, status and lives that we cannot control anyway
Mean too much! Just give up, we’re never going to get it.
“Yes, you are”
If I was truly chosen and recognized my fullness in Christ, would I not then be that much more aware of my downward mobility in the world and kingdom I live in – a kingdom in which Jesus is ever present and active. I am ashamed to think there is ANYTHING that I could do or am that makes me set apart. Anything I have “done” is only a glimmer of who I am and hoping to become as I learn to surrender to Jesus these things. It’s a mentality shift, heart change and a work of divine grace as I live each day. I am thankful for God’s love and terribly disturbed at who I’ve become. I believed that because of who I was and what I did for God meant that I deserved from God. Perhaps this mislead belief is why I’ve been so miserable at times and why I’ve had broken relationships, missed out on true joy in situations in life and because I was expecting them to fulfill my every need rather than looking at them as an undeserved, unexpected gift that could teach me.
The best experience I could have gone through was to serve in a small town in TX, in a small church not aware of the power and value of the skills social work could contribute to a church context.. I struggled not being constantly praised. I struggled with not having control of anything and yet I was closet to Jesus than ever. At one point I felt God was asking, “Am I enough for you Mallory?” and I said honestly, “No.” I felt I deserved more. I want to serve God and want others to feel hope that I know – especially after seeing what despair tangibly looks like in other countries, in the US, in our own community, in the eyes of my friends and in myself. I believe there is more to faith than Sunday morning, scripture, deacon’s meeting, not missing Sunday school, VBS, not cussing and not drinking. God is crying out for us to realize this truth and showing the truth to us daily but we don’t say “yes” to him because if we’re honest with ourselves we don’t believe he is enough. We want to serve God and still get what we deserve for it.
I recognize now that while I can still be honest in what I desire – I do not “deserve” those things and if I force or control what I want to occur in my life – I might actually get that but will never understand my fullness in life or the fullness of that gift until I can truly believe an accept that God is enough above all of those things. What does it take for me to realize that God is enough? How do I avoid temptations of what I deserve when the world tells us constantly that we do deserve and there is not point in believing in something that doesn’t deliver??
There’s no one to trust. And there is no right or wrong – even in the midst of the world in which I am studying and being shaped to know God better. One cannot trust the legalistic bible-abiding gossip more than the good-hearted, out-of-control drunkard or anyone in between-- that are all only trying to figure out who they are and what God wants with them. Because of this I can choose to despair even further and be ashamed of my own lack of trustworthiness OR fall in line with the attitude of grace, recognizing that because we are all searching we need a higher power that saves us daily and teaches us through one another about a character of grace and love. I’ve come to understand at the moment I guess that THAT is enough for me. And THAT is actually God. It is only enough for me if it is intentional and so it requires something of me. It requires seeking God in all of these situations of struggle, joy, temptation and disappointment rather than controlling and figuring it out on my own.
God you show yourself in unlikely faces,
And I don’t know why I still believe in you sometimes.
But when the despair becomes too much
You’ve never NOT revealed a truth or path.
What is it about me that you care so much for,
When time and time again I’ve thrown your grace away?
I’ve proven myself a hard heart acting in your name.
I find it hard to claim your work or utter your name even in the presence of friends.
Then there are moments in others’ lives I cannot explain.
Others seem to be rewarded what I felt I deserved.
I find myself 8 steps behind in what I know of you,
Giving up is easy and so I do.
Thinking I have a choice in the matter but
I don’t really when my heart aches so to ignore the issue.
They have it together but they don’t
The aura around them is dark
What I can do? Mine is not much different.
YOU do it! YOU bring your miracles and prove your
Power – why are you waiting for us? It’s too late.
Our buildings, status and lives that we cannot control anyway
Mean too much! Just give up, we’re never going to get it.
“Yes, you are”
Rhythm of my Life
The rhythm I function on is chaotic, 60% purposeless sand functions mostly out of bursts of opportunity that feed my loneliness, hunger, despair, selfishness and anxiousness. What if all I “did” remained the same but became a rhythm through you? As if I was aware that washing dishes, drinking a beer on the porch and riding my bike to class were all connected to a rhythm that glorified you through how it affected your living creation? Perhaps then the rhythms would not be striving or escaping but SHAPING who you desire me to BE now, not just who I am becoming.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
